💣 7 things that WILL backfire on you

Saying “my children” instead of “our children”

“My children” is a huge red flag for courts. To them, how you refer to your children reflects your attitude towards parenting and co-parenting and respect for your kids’ relationship with their other parent. So, if you haven’t mastered it, and don’t want to slip up in court, start saying “our children”, even to your friends and your lawyer.

Bashing your ex on social media

That includes passive-aggressive, snarky posts, or even any post on difficult exes or narcissists that doesn’t directly mention your ex. Besides the possibility that they can be used against you in court, they tell your ex that they’re still living rent-free in your head.

Warning the ex’s new partner about them

If the new partner listens to you, congratulations—you’re probably the first person in history to achieve this. More likely, you’ll just deepen the bond between your ex and their new partner.

Passing on info your kids tell you in confidence to your lawyer

This is the fastest way to make your children stop telling you things. Only do this if it’s absolutely necessary (i.e. a matter of safety). There are strategic ways you can leverage information, but if it ends up in your lawyer’s next letter or court pleading, it could be counterproductive and your children might get the brunt of it.

Dashing off angry texts or emails to your ex

You know that ONE text where you called your ex a name? It WILL be used in court against you. If you did this in the past, don’t heap guilt on yourself. You’re on a growth trajectory and you can come clean with the court and show them how you’ve worked on your communication since then.

Not checking your agreement for loopholes your ex can use

No matter how watertight you think your parenting agreement is, a toxic ex will find every loophole or ambiguous provision and twist them like a pretzel balloon at a kid’s birthday party for their own benefit. So go through your agreement with a fine toothcomb, thinking like the most malignant narcissist on the planet and find them first. If it’s too late and the agreement is already signed and homologated by a judge, start planning for them, so you’re prepared with a strategy.

And last, but certainly not least, I present:

Forgetting to change your ex’s name in your contacts before printing out their texts

Yes, it’s funny and cathartic to have your ex as “Lucifer” or “Cruella de Ville” in your contacts, but it won’t amuse the judge.

If any of the pitfalls in this newsletter hit home, don’t sweat it. It’s your wake-up call not to go it alone. And you don’t have to.

Drop me a line directly by replying to this email or shoot over to my website and hit me up there on the contact form. It’s that simple. Together, we’ll cut through the noise, kick some serious butt, and start writing your comeback story.

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Resources

The Conflict Pivot is more than just a book. It’s a life-changer. I know, it gets so old hearing this book will change your life, blah blah blah. But honestly, this book has changed mine. When I read it, I realized what my triggers are in conflict situations with other people. I also became aware of how I react to conflict and I was thrilled to read about the author’s simple, but practical mechanism for transforming conflict from a destructive to a productive process. And I started taking action to change how I deal with conflict situations. Another great thing about it is that it’s not too long, but there’s tons of wisdom and practical hints packed into those 209 pages. I will certainly be rereading it over and over again.

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Have a lovely weekend. If you celebrate Easter, I hope it’s all you wished for,, whether you’re spending it with your kids or not.

If you’re alone, make sure you do something nice for yourself that you wouldn’t do if your kids were with you.