Tears streamed down my husband’s face.

We were sitting in a marriage counselor’s office, 11 years into our marriage. I was on the brink of leaving him. He spilled his heart out about his own abusive childhood, and expressed deep regret for how badly he'd treated me over the years. The tears running down his cheeks looked so genuine, so raw.

Without thinking, I reached for the tissue box and handed him one.

The respected therapist we were seeing called it "the turning point" in our relationship—the moment my husband acknowledged his shortcomings and I forgave him. He was so impressed by this "breakthrough" that he wrote about it as a success story on his website.

Except it wasn't a success story. It was just another stop on the cycle of abuse.

For a few months afterwards, my husband put me up on a pedestal. He listened to me. He did things that made me happy. But slowly, so slowly I almost didn't notice, the abuse crept back in. It got even worse than it was before. Another 11 years passed before I finally found the strength to leave, by which time his behavior had escalated so much that I was a husk of myself and I feared for my life.

The performance of vulnerability

Here's what I understand now that I didn't then: My husband's breakdown wasn't fake. His tears were real. His pain was genuine. But he wasn’t crying about me or what he'd done to me. It was all about his own fear of consequences, his terror of being abandoned, his panic at losing control.

When abusers cry and promise to change, it often comes from a place of genuine distress. Except that this distress isn't remorse for the harm they've caused. It’s generated by their anxiety about losing their source of power and validation.

This is what makes these moments so dangerous and so utterly convincing:

The emotions are authentic, but misdirected
They're not crying because they understand your pain. They're crying because they're facing their own.

It triggers your compassion
You see their vulnerability and want to help heal their wounds. This is your humanity showing. And that’s exactly what they're counting on.

It feels like vindication
After being told you're too sensitive, crazy, or the problem, seeing them admit fault can feel like the validation you've desperately needed.

It reminds you of who they used to be
These vulnerable moments often echo the person from the early days. That love bomber who made you feel special and chosen.

The cycle that keeps spinning

Whether you're still together or dealing with post-separation abuse, the pattern is devastatingly predictable:

My marriage counselor saw step 3 and thought it was healing. What he missed was that this was just one step in a well-rehearsed dance.

Why professionals get it wrong

Studies show that couples therapy with an abuser actually increases the risk to victims, yet it's still routinely recommended. Here's why even trained professionals fall for the performance:

Post-separation: the cycle continues

Remember: leaving doesn't cure their need for control. It often intensifies it.

The questions that cut through the manipulation

When you’re faced with your ex's tears and promises, ask yourself:

How many times have I seen this before? 
Track the pattern, not just the moment.

What concrete actions are they taking? 
Promises are words. Are they in therapy (by themselves, not with you)? Have they acknowledged the full extent of their behavior? Are they giving you space without conditions?

Who is this really about? 
Are they focused on your pain and healing, or their own fear and loss?

What would I tell my best friend? 
Sometimes we can see clearly for others what we can't see for ourselves.

Am I being asked to manage their emotions? 
Your job isn't to soothe their breakdown or validate their remorse.

Protecting yourself from the performance

Trust your history, not their tears 
You know what you've lived through. A breakdown doesn't erase that reality.

Don't let their pain become your responsibility
You are not their therapist, their savior, or their emotional support system.

Actions over time trump emotional outbursts
Real change happens slowly, quietly, and consistently—not in dramatic tearful confessions.

Your safety comes first
Even if their remorse is genuine, that doesn't make it safe to give them another chance. When I finally left my ex, I refused to have any “talks” or counseling with him because I didn’t want to fall for the same trick again.

Find professionals who understand abuse
If you need support, work with therapists trained specifically in domestic violence and coercive control.

The truth about change

Can abusers change? Some experts say yes, with intensive, specialized intervention over years. But here's what that actually looks like:

Anything less than this isn't change. It's just a more sophisticated version of the same manipulation.

Compassion shouldn’t trump your own safety

That tissue I handed my husband 23 years ago represented everything I didn't understand about abuse then. I thought I was witnessing his healing when I was actually watching him perfect his manipulation. The psychiatrist thought he was seeing a breakthrough when he was actually being played like a fiddle.

If you're facing your own version of that tissue-box moment, remember: Your compassion is not a weakness, but it doesn't have to come at the cost of your safety. You can acknowledge their pain and still protect yourself. You can hope they get help while not being the one to provide it or do the emotional labor for them.

The person who hurt you and the person crying in front of you are the same person. And that's exactly why their tears can't be trusted to predict their future behavior.

You know what you know

Your experience is valid. Your memories are real. Your pain matters. No matter how genuine it seems, a breakdown doesn't erase the damage that's been done. It doesn’t give your abuser a free ticket to manipulate you going forward.

Trust yourself. Trust your experience. Trust your right to safety and peace.

You don't owe anyone your pain and your labor just because they broke into tears.

Has your ex got you off balance?

Book a free 30-minute discovery session with me where you'll:

• Share your unique challenges in a safe, judgment-free space

• Gain clarity on what a life with stronger boundaries could look like for you

• Explore if my coaching approach aligns with your needs and goals

• Discover possibilities for moving from uncertainty to empowerment

This brief conversation isn't about quick fixes or strategies, but about understanding where you are and where you want to be. You'll walk away with a clearer vision of your path forward and whether we'd be a good fit to walk it together.

Want to know more about what I do?

Resources

I wasn’t able to settle on one resource for this newsletter because there are numerous good books that cover different aspects of this issue. I decided to put a bunch of them in here, and you can take your pick. Some of them are books I’ve recommended before.

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft 
This is the gold standard for understanding abusive behavior. Bancroft, who worked with abusive men for decades, breaks down exactly why abusers act the way they do and how their "remorse" fits into the larger pattern of control. He specifically addresses the tearful apologies and promises to change that feel so convincing.

"The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker 
De Becker explains how to trust your instincts when someone's words don't match their actions. This is crucial for recognizing when tears and apologies are genuine versus manipulative. The book will help you understand why your gut feelings about someone's "change" are often more accurate than the person's emotional displays.

"Trauma and Recovery" by Judith Herman 
Herman's groundbreaking work explains the psychological mechanisms that keep victims trapped in abusive cycles, including why we're drawn to our abuser's vulnerability and pain. She addresses how trauma creates bonds that make it difficult to leave even when we logically know we should.

"It's Not You, It's Them" by Dr. Ramani Durvasula 
Dr. Ramani specifically addresses narcissistic relationships and the cycle of idealization, devaluation, and hoovering (attempts to suck you back in). She explains why the tearful breakdowns are so effective and how to recognize them as part of the pattern rather than genuine change.

"When Love Hurts: A Woman's Guide to Understanding Abuse in Relationships" by Jill Cory and Karen McAndless-Davis 
This book specifically addresses why traditional couples therapy fails with abusive relationships and can actually make things worse. It validates your experience with the marriage counselor and explains why professionals often miss the signs.

"Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life" by Evan Stark 
Stark's work explains how abuse is about control, not anger management or communication problems. This helps explain why the marriage counselor's approach was doomed to fail and why abusers can seem so convincing in therapy settings.