🚧 Boundaries

If you’ve lived with a narcissist, you’ve learned one thing.

You’re not allowed to have any boundaries.

You learn to accommodate, appease, and adjust endlessly.

But after you leave them, there comes a time to unlearn those patterns. Your ex is still acting like they can control everything you do and then one day, you realize you need to reclaim your right to establish boundaries.

For me, that moment was when a friend invited me along to visit New York with her, her daughter and the exchange student who was staying with them. When my ex found out (because our children told him), he asked me “Who are you going with?”

I answered, “I’m going with Rosalie”, and at that moment, it hit me, like a slap in the face with a wet fish: It was none of his business who I was going with. I could have been going with a bunch of men for a wild swingers’ weekend and it would still have been none of his business. I needed to start setting boundaries.

In her book, It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People, Dr. Ramani Durvasula says “Boundaries are an inside job.” Telling my ex to stop asking me questions wasn’t the boundary I needed to set here. I needed to set a boundary on my own response.

The first boundary I set with him was scary. I don’t remember what it was about but I remember how I felt. Every cell in my body was screaming to soften the blow, to add a little explanation to ease the tension. But I resisted.

And guess what? The sky didn’t fall. The world didn’t end. Yes, he wasn’t happy and it didn’t make him back off or be any less controlling. But he was controlling anyway, so what the hell.

That’s the power of setting boundaries. At first, they might make you feel exposed, vulnerable, or even selfish. But let me tell you, setting boundaries is not selfish. It’s self-care.

Each boundary you set is like building a wall around a sacred space that declares, "This is where I start taking care of myself." It’s about giving yourself permission to make your emotional and psychological well-being a priority.

Let's face it, setting boundaries with a narcissist is challenging because they've trained you to believe that your feelings and needs don’t matter. They thrive on blurring lines.

But here’s the thing—clear boundaries don’t just help you manage your interactions with them; they help you reconnect with your inner strength. You start to remember who you were before the chaos, and you begin to see who you can become.

Why are you being so mean to him?

Once I started consistently and firmly setting boundaries, the hardest thing to deal with was the response from well-meaning people who thought I was unfair to him. “Why can’t you two get along for the sake of the children?” they said.

What they don’t realize is that getting along isn’t a one-way street. It needs mutual respect and understanding, and neither of these can exist without clear boundaries, even in healthy relationships.

So, when well-meaning people ask why you can’t simply get along for the sake of the children, remind them—and yourself—that by setting boundaries, you ARE getting along in the healthiest way possible.

You’re teaching your children that respect and personal space are vital components of any relationship.

You’re demonstrating that it's okay to say no, and that everyone's feelings and needs matter, including your own.

Remember, setting boundaries isn't about creating conflict; it’s about preventing it. It's about making it clear what is acceptable and what isn't, which in the long run, creates a safer, more predictable environment for everyone involved, especially the kids.

And, let’s be real for a moment—this process isn’t about changing your ex’s behaviour. That’s not something you can control. It’s about changing your response to their behaviour.

It's about taking back your power, deciding that you won't be manipulated or coerced into feeling or acting a certain way. It’s about deciding that you have the right to peace, and you have the power to enforce it.

Want to know how I can help you?