🦚The power you're building

I want to talk about the biggest lie your ex ever sold you.

Not the lie where your ex pretended to be something they’re not to love bomb you and hook you in. Not the lie, whenever they saw you slipping away from the relationship, about how things would get better and how they’d change. Not even all the lies they made up about who you are, or what other people are saying about you.

The biggest lie is that your ex holds all the power.

They don’t.

Your ex has been running a very specific playbook since the day you left. That playbook depends entirely on keeping you convinced that you’re powerless, that the system is rigged against you, that every move you make will be used against you, that you’re one court appearance away from losing everything.

Here’s what your ex isn’t telling you: they’re working overtime to maintain that illusion because the reality would destroy their whole game. It’s quite likely your ex believes this lie themselves. They have to believe it, and they will do everything to maintain it because even just admitting to themselves that it’s all illusory would destroy the defense mechanisms they’ve set up to protect their ego.

The huge, big, enormous con job

Your ex needs you to believe the power structure looks like this: they’re at the top with all the control, the courts are their weapon, and you’re at the bottom scrambling to survive.

That’s not the actual power structure, just the cover-up, the story they need you to believe.

The actual power structure is a lot more complicated than that. Once you understand it, you’ll see everything differently.

There are seven types of power that show up in leadership, organizational dynamics, and yes, even in the aftermath of leaving an abusive relationship. These were identified back in 1959 by psychologists John French and Bertram Raven, and they’ve held up because they’re true.

Your ex probably doesn’t know about these but if they did, they’d be banking on you never learning about them. Because once you see them clearly, you’ll realize you’re holding way, way more cards than you thought.

This week, I’m walking you through the four types of power you’re already building. Next week, we’ll dig into how to use them strategically against the types of power your ex has been wielding against you.

Expert power: what nobody can take from you

This is the power that comes from knowledge, skills, and experience. It’s what you build every single time you learn about coercive control, DARVO, projection, documentation strategies, yellow rock, family court dynamics, trauma bonding, or parallel parenting.

Your ex is helpless against this.

Why? Because they can’t take it away from you. They can’t file a motion against it. They can’t manipulate it out of your hands. They can threaten, they can gaslight, they can try to make you doubt yourself, but the knowledge you’ve gained is all yours.

Every book you read, every support group you attend, every conversation with a coach who actually gets it, every article you save about post-separation abuse tactics is another block in the expertise you’re building here. You’re becoming harder to manipulate. You’re seeing through the games. You’re documenting instead of reacting. You’re directing your energy where it matters.

The more you understand how coercive control works, the less power those tactics have over you. You’re getting strategic, and you’re getting better at it every day.

Informational power: why your ex hates your screenshots

This is the power that comes from having access to and control over important information. In post-separation abuse situations, this translates directly to documentation.

Every screenshot. Every saved email. Every text message. Every voicemail. Every documented instance of them violating the parenting plan. Every record of them “forgetting” to show up. Every pattern of behavior you’ve captured.

That’s informational power.

And your ex is working every angle to undermine it. They call you “obsessive” for keeping records. They accuse you of “living in the past” when you reference documented actions. They tell everyone who'll listen that you're “crazy” when you present carefully documented evidence showing patterns of behavior in court.

It drives your ex nuts, and sends them into a panic.

That’s because informational power is evidence. And evidence threatens their carefully constructed narrative. They can lie about what happened, but they can’t make your documentation disappear. They can rewrite history in their mind, but the text messages tell a different story.

This is why they push for phone calls instead of written communication. This is why they get furious when you respond in writing to their verbal “agreements.” This is why they accuse you of being “difficult” when you ask for things in text. Why they do everything they can to avoid or sidestep court-ordered communication through coparenting apps.

They need you to stop documenting. Your informational power is destroying their ability to rewrite reality.

Don’t stop documenting.

Connection power: your ex tried to isolate you for a reason

Connection power comes from relationships and networks. Your support system, your advocates, your people who actually understand what you’re dealing with.

Remember when your ex systematically tried to isolate you? Remember how they had a problem with every friend, every family member, every person in your corner? Remember how they made it nearly impossible for you to maintain relationships outside your one with them?

At the time, maybe you thought your ex was insecure, or even that they were doing it for your good and the good of the relationship. Or maybe you were starting to see how unhealthy it was, but you put it down to jealousy. It was none of that. Just pure strategy.

Connection power is real power. It’s the therapist who understands coercive control. It’s the lawyer who’s seen this playbook before. It’s the coach who can help you see the manipulation tactics in real time. It's the little chat group you have with fellow victims of post-separation abuse. It’s the friend who believes you. It’s the family court professionals who actually know what it looks like when one parent actively undermines the other parent’s relationship with their children. It’s the teacher who sees how your ex’s abuse is impacting your children.

Every connection you build with someone who understands abuse dynamics is connection power. Every relationship with someone who sees through your ex’s charm offensive is connection power.

Your ex tried to cut you off from this power because it works against them. They need you alone. They need you questioning yourself. They need you without witnesses who can confirm that yes, this is exactly as crazy-making as it feels.

Building and maintaining connections with people who get it is a good way to get the emotional support you need. But as you do it, you’re also exercising strategic power. So, keep building and maintaining those connections with people who can support you and help you be a better version of yourself.

Referent power: the long game your ex doesn’t want to play

Referent power is the influence that comes from your character, your integrity, your values, and your vision. It's who you are when nobody’s watching. It’s the example you set. It’s the parent you actually are versus the parent your ex is trying to paint you as in court.

This is the power your children are watching.

Your ex can put on a show. They can be Father or Mother of the Year for the custody evaluator. They can charm the court. They can manipulate the narrative in their favor. They can ooze charisma when they want to.

But they can’t sustain it. Not in the day-to-day. Not when there’s no audience. Not when it’s just them and your children. And it’s all hollow, with no actual substance. Yes, your ex is hollow inside. You’re not. Do you know how much power this gives you?

You’re being the safe parent. The consistent parent. The one who shows up. The one who maintains boundaries even when it’s hard. The one who doesn’t trash-talk the other parent to your kids, even though you could. The one who models emotional regulation. The one who connects with your children. The one who admits when you’re wrong. The one who keeps trying to do the right thing even when the system makes it feel impossible.

That’s referent power.

Exercising referent power means that you’re playing a loooooooong game. Your children are watching both of you. Not just during transitions. Not just during the supervised visits or the evaluator meetings. All the time. They’re watching everything.

They’re building their own understanding of who each of you really is. Even if they’re being manipulated by their other parent, if you don’t take the bait and just focus on being your best self, consistently, you’re creating a track record your children will eventually be able to evaluate for themselves.

It might take years—sometimes many, many years—before they can see past the manipulation and understand what they actually witnessed. But children grow up. They develop critical thinking. They compare what they were told about you to what they experienced with you. Your consistency now is building the foundation for that future relationship, even if you can’t see the results today.

Your ex is playing for the short-term win. You’re playing for your children’s long-term emotional health and your long-term relationship with them. Referent power takes time. It’s built through consistent action over years, not through a few weeks of performative parenting to look good for court.

Keep playing the long game.

What you've been building this whole time

If you’ve been doing the work of learning about coercive control, documenting the patterns, rebuilding your support system, showing up consistently for your kids, you’ve already been building these four types of power.

You just didn’t have the framework to see it yet.

Expert power, informational power, connection power, and referent power can’t be taken from you through court motions or manipulation tactics. They’re yours. You’ve earned them through the work you’ve been doing since you left.

Next week, I’ll show you how to actually use this power strategically. We’ll talk about other kinds of power you can deploy, and the coercive power your ex has been wielding against you—and why it’s not as powerful as you’re led to believe.

Understanding the power you hold is only half the equation. The other half is knowing how to use it.

Want to know how I can help you?

If you're ready to stop feeling powerless and start building real strategic leverage in your situation, let’s talk. Book a free 30-minute consultation and we’ll map out exactly where your power lies and how to use it.

Just a personal note. Until December 3, I’m in Ireland because my mother fell down her stairs and broke her arms and some ribs, so I’m spending most of every day sitting with her in hospital. I’ve blocked off my time until I get back to Canada because my schedule is so unpredictable right now. If you want to book a discovery call with me during this time, reply to this email and we can set up something that suits us both.

Want to know more about what I do?

Resources

If you want to go deeper on understanding manipulation tactics and power dynamics, start with Tina Swithin's “The Narc Decoder.” It’s a hilarious take on decoding manipulative messages, but its true value lies in helping you understand the psychological warfare you're up against and how to neutralize it. I’ve recommended this book before and I can’t recommend it often enough.

And if you need help decoding and responding to your ex’s messages without losing your mind or your court case, my prompt guide has custom prompts that handle the translation work for you and help you strategize. Why dive into the sewage yourself when you can let AI do the dirty work while you stay clean?

Earlier this week, I put the finishing touches to the manuscript of my book that was inspired by these prompts. All I need to do is create a webpage for the book so that I can include it for people who want to copy and paste the prompts it contains, and then I’ll send it off for formatting. Here’s a taste of what’s in the book:

What’s Inside AI ARMOR: Your Digital Defense Solution For Coparenting With A Narcissist

✨ Foreword by Anne Wintermute, CEO of Aimee Says

PART ONE: Understanding the Problem

• Chapter 1: Frozen With Fear

• Chapter 2: The Lightbulb Moment

• Chapter 3: Breaking Free From the Either/Or Trap

• Chapter 4: Why You’re Ready for This (Even If You Don’t Feel Like It)

PART TWO: Your AI Toolkit

• Chapter 5: The Digital Shield

• Chapter 6: Beyond ChatGPT: Your Comprehensive AI Arsenal

• Chapter 7: Not a Silver Bullet: AI’s Limits and How to Work With Them

• Chapter 8: Your AI Starter Kit: From Zero to Strategic in 30 Days

PART THREE: Putting AI to Work

• Chapter 9: Deflating Fear with Humor

• Chapter 10: Responding To Your Ex

• Chapter 11: Strategizing With Your AI Chatbot

• Chapter 12: Speaking Up and Building Your Case

PART FOUR: From Surviving to Thriving

• Chapter 13: From Triggered to Testimony-Ready

• Chapter 14: Mindset Makeover

• Chapter 15: Where Do I Go From Here? (Spoiler: Wherever You Choose)