How can I get my ex to stop bothering me?

I get it. I’ve been there. The emotional rollercoaster your narcissistic ex has you on is brutal.

But here’s the hard truth: hoping for your ex to change keeps you stuck on that rollercoaster.

Rollercoasters are designed to loop around and around. They shake you up, throw you from side to side, and leave you right back where you started.

The same goes for the cycle you’re in with your narcissistic ex.

If you’re always wishing they’ll change, you’ll just find yourself caught in an endless loop of highs and lows, constantly returning to the same frustrations and disappointments.

Now, picture this: you’ve got the bar down, and you’re braced for the next sharp turn or scary drop. That lap bar? It’s your boundaries. Without them, you’re just tumbling around with every jerk and jolt that comes from your ex’s unpredictable behaviors. Setting strong, clear boundaries is like pulling that bar down firmly and taking control of how you experience the ride, even though you can’t control the ride itself.

I always wondered why people screamed on rollercoaster rides. I didn’t go on one until I was in my 30s. When I did, it was even more terrifying for me than I’d even imagined. Then, halfway through, I noticed that the people next to me were screaming, but they were actually enjoying it.

So, instead of saying the F word over and over again like I’d been doing up to that point, I decided to start screaming as well. And suddenly, I wasn’t so scared. I took control of my rollercoaster experience.

That’s what happens when you set boundaries.

Setting boundaries means deciding when you answer texts or calls and limiting how and when they can interact with you, especially if you have children together. It's your safety bar and helps you reclaim control over your fear, just like I did by screaming on the rollercoaster.

But here’s the kicker—while boundaries will protect you during the ride, the real power comes from stepping off the rollercoaster entirely. That’s where acceptance plays a huge role.

Accepting that your ex is who they are, not who you hope they’ll be, is like choosing to get off the ride and watch it from a distance. You see it for what it is and acknowledge it, but you’re not getting whipped around by it anymore.

Now that’s my favorite way to experience a rollercoaster. And a narcissistic ex.

I get it—you might be thinking “But Rina, it’s not that simple.”

I hear you. I know it’s tough.

There are plenty of good reasons why you might be struggling with this. I’ve had several come up for me, and I’ve heard them from my clients, too. Here are a couple I come across often.

"But what if setting boundaries just causes more conflict?"

Yes, setting boundaries often does escalate tensions, especially if you’re dealing with a narcissist. Safety issues aside (if you feel your safety or your children’s safety is endangered, then backing down can be an appropriate response until things are safer), an escalation of your ex’s behavior can give you evidence going forward.

Also, consistency is key. Over time, as you consistently enforce these boundaries, your ex will learn what is and isn’t acceptable. If it’s hard, you can focus on just one important issue when it comes to setting boundaries.

“I’m worried about looking like the unreasonable one to a judge.”

A biased judge or expert might see you as unreasonable, no matter how you behave, so you might as well behave in a way that upholds your integrity. Document your interactions with your ex and keep a record of incidents. Explain how you're acting in your child's best interests.

It’s also important to find an attorney who understands coercive control and can explain it to the judge. If you appear in court, stay calm. Don't make any disruptive facial expressions.

When you accept you can’t change your ex and start working on what you CAN control, it opens new doors.

It frees you from the endless loop of disappointment and frustration.

It gives you the chance to lead a life defined not by your ex, but by your own aspirations and needs.

Why wouldn’t you take that chance? You’re worth more than a ride on a cycle of chaos.

Want to know how I can help you?

Resources

I love this podcast episode, in which Marie Forleo interviews renowned spiritual teacher Byron Katie about her method for dealing with difficult thoughts and reducing stress.

I first encountered Byron Katie over 20 years ago when a friend bought me a copy of her book “Loving What Is” and I credit a lot of the resilience I had in dealing with a difficult marriage and then an even more difficult divorce with the way reading this book (several times over) taught me to work on my own thinking patterns.

A final thought

May the only rollercoaster rides you find yourself on this summer be real ones and ones you love being on.

If you need help getting off the other kind, feel free to reach out here or through the contact form on my website.