🦚 Don't let your ex steal your cheer

I was dreading that Christmas.

My children were going to their father in Switzerland. I wasn’t going to see them for two whole weeks. I was already long divorced, and I was used to juggling the holiday season with my ex. But that had meant I’d get to see them for at least part of Christmas Day, and watch their delighted faces as they emptied out their Christmas stockings and opened their gifts, either early in the morning or early in the afternoon.

This year, though, they were gone for the whole of Christmas and the whole of New Year. Photos and texts were all I had to look forward to—they likely wouldn’t want to anger their father by calling me.

It was going to be a miserable, pointless Christmas. Because, for me, celebrating with my kids is (still) the whole point.

I grew up in a family where Christmas was a hollow celebration. Sure, we had Christmas dinner, gifts that we unceremoniously opened, ripping the paper off all together, a Christmas tree. We went to midnight mass and mass on Christmas morning (I grew up Catholic). But the spirit was never really there. My parents had immigrated to South Africa when I was little, and my mother missed her family back in Ireland horribly. Especially on Christmas Day.

Back then, it was even too expensive to call relatives on another continent. All she had were Christmas cards from her family and weekly letters from her mother, sent inside a tightly bound copy of the local newspaper. Every Christmas Day, she had an aura of sadness around her, and it was clear that her heart wasn’t in it. In the afternoon, she’d have a headache and go lie down, and we kids were left alone to play with our gifts.

So, when my children were growing up, I went all in on Christmas, making it as fun as possible and having special rituals around tree decorating, gift opening, games, and food. I picked up these rituals up from other families I got to spend this festive season with (ironically, one of them was my in-laws—one thing they did well was Christmas!)

So, approaching that Christmas, with my children gone, I felt bereft. It was just me and my partner. Coming back to our empty home, after we dropped the kids off at the airport, he could see I was down. Always one for thinking outside the box (to be honest, often it’s more like he rips up the box and throws it in the garbage), he came up with a suggestion. And I jumped on it.

So that Christmas morning, we went for a looooong run together. It was snowy and cold (we live in Canada, so that’s a given) but we doubled and tripled up on layers. Then we came back, wet and flushed and red in the face, our feet and hands warm as toast after an hour of running in the snow, and ordered pizza. My favorite flavors, Greek and Mexican. BTW, that part stays between you and me—I don’t want to send my Neapolitan, pizza-purist father to an early grave. Then we sat down on the couch with those pizzas and some soda, and munched and slurped our way through two action movies.

It was an awesome, peaceful, fun, and escapist day. There was no food preparation, no cleaning up. Of course, I would rather have spent Christmas with my kids but by totally changing up everything about the day and doing things we both loved to do, we turned it into an enjoyable experience. And the next day, we hit the Boxing Day sales to buy the kids’ Christmas gifts and stocking fillers at a discount.

My wish for you is that if you’re facing the holidays this year without your kids, especially because your abusive ex has unfairly deprived you of your time with them, you can find the same peace I did that Christmas Day. To help you find that peace and maybe even a bit of joy during the holidays, here are some suggestions:

🌟 Go ahead and embrace something you genuinely love, or even better, try out that thing you've been curious about but never had the chance to explore. Kick things off with a burst of physical activity to get those endorphins firing—think of it as a gift to your body and soul. This mix of energy and relaxation is your secret sauce for turning a tough day into one of enjoyment and delight.

💌 Even if you can't be with your kids, find ways to feel close to them. Maybe write them a little love note to read when they return, or think up a new tradition that you can share together next time.

🎁 Speaking of new traditions, remember that the holidays don’t have to be celebrated ON the day. When my kids returned from Switzerland, their Christmas stockings (filled with Boxing Day discounted items) were waiting for them, and we had our Christmas Day celebrations then.

🎉 Create traditions with your children lasting throughout the whole season that narc-proof your holidays and fill your kids with joy and anticipation. I’m thinking of weekly movie nights with holiday classics, a countdown to the holidays with fun activities or crafts, or even a nightly ritual of reading a holiday-themed story together. These ongoing traditions don’t just keep the festive spirit alive. They also ensure that your time with your kids is filled with positive, memorable experiences that are less likely to be disrupted.

👩🏾‍🤝‍👩🏼 Sometimes, no amount of self-pampering is going to shake off that holiday funk if you're flying solo. If this applies to you, it's time to break out of that isolation bubble and reach out. Find a community event, or roll up your sleeves and volunteer your time to spread some goodwill. Being around others can be the jolt you need to lift your spirits and remind you what the season's really about—human connection and warmth. (I feel a Christmas movie script coming on…)

Want to know how I can help you?

If you’re feeling down and out because your ex keeps disrupting your peace, it’s time to flip that script. You deserve to feel joy and connection, no matter what your ex throws your way.

I’m here to help you take back control and create a life that’s full of empowerment and peace. So, let’s get to work. Book a free 30-minute discovery call with me, and together, we’ll build a game plan that’s going to transform your story.

Don't wait for things to change on their own. Click here to schedule your call, and let’s make this the turning point you’ve been looking for.

And if you want to know more about how I can help you…

Resources

Dr. Christine Cocchiola is hosting a virtual holiday gathering for protective mothers who aren’t seeing their children regularly. Click on the image below for the registration link.

Why not give yourself the gift of financial empowerment this holiday season? If you’ve got a bad relationship with money, I totally recommend the book "Get Rich, Lucky Bitch" by Denise Duffield-Thomas.

Denise's approach is all about breaking through the mindset blocks that hold us back from achieving financial freedom. She provides practical steps and exercises to help you identify and release the limiting beliefs that may be keeping you stuck. This empowering read is perfect for those of you who are ready to take control of your financial future and create a life that not only survives but thrives—no matter the season or circumstances. By embracing the principles in this book, you can start to build a foundation of financial security that supports your overall well-being and independence.

If you want to listen to the book, you can find the audiobook version directly on Audible.