😒 The enablers

A few years back, I did something I’d fantasized about for a long time.

I cornered a best-selling relationship self-help author and asked him why his book and just about every book written about relationships enabled abusers by making domestic abuse victims think they were the ones who needed to fix their relationship.

My victim was John Gray, author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. In response, he mumbled something about his book not being intended for people who were in dysfunctional relationships, and they would know that.*

As someone who was in a dysfunctional relationship for decades and tried to fix it by reading just about every relationship book that existed, I know this is a crap excuse.

A lot of people who read relationship books are victims of narcissistic relationships. Dr. Ramani Durvasala estimates that 1 in 6 people are narcissistic, which is bad enough already. If you dig deeper and ask yourself who reads relationship books to help their relationship, the answer isn’t going to be people in healthy relationships.

People in toxic relationships tend to read relationship books because they’re trying to fix something that’s not working. What’s more, that person will be the healthy partner in the relationship, not the toxic partner.

The same goes for coparenting books. Parents who are getting along don’t need them and don’t use them as much.

Guess who’s reading these books and taking these courses—yes, the people in high conflict divorces. And it’s not the one who’s responsible for the conflict, either.

It’s estimated that at least 50% of high-conflict divorces are related to post-separation abuse, and it wouldn’t surprise me if this number is higher. It only takes one abusive person to create a so-called high-conflict divorce.

There’s even a name for the enabling that keeps victims of coercive control trapped in their abusive relationships and, if they manage to leave, trapped in an ongoing conflict with their abuser—systemic entrapment.

The hidden chains of systemic entrapment

It hurts to feel the sting of betrayal, not just from the person you trusted with your hopes and dreams, but from the systems and individuals that claim to support and guide you.

Systemic entrapment occurs when the structures in place—legal, educational, or social—unwittingly or deliberately perpetuate your suffering rather than alleviate it. They do this by not seeing or ignoring red flags, by putting the onus on victims to take responsibility and letting abusers skate away.

These systems are failing victims of coercive control, and even with advocacy, they’re slow to change. In the meantime, you and your children are being left behind in the wake of a flawed system that prioritizes the wrong outcomes.

Advocacy is important and necessary.

In the meantime, the reality is that you, as victims, are stuck in this entrapment.

That doesn’t mean you can’t do anything to reduce the impact of these systemic failures on your life. Here are some steps you can take.

Educate yourself

Knowledge is power. Understanding the dynamics of coercive control and high-conflict personalities can transform your perspective and arm you with the tools to navigate the complexities of your situation.

Build a supportive network

Surround yourself with people who believe you and understand what you’re going through. A strong support network can provide the emotional backbone you need to fight the systemic entrapment that’s keeping you chained to your abuser.

Document everything

Keep detailed records of every interaction that can be used as evidence in legal settings. This might be unpleasant, but it’s key to proving the true nature of your situation.

Get specialized legal help

Not all lawyers are created equal. Interview potential lawyers and ask them to define coercive control. Lawyers who are narcissist-aware and trauma-aware are more likely to understand the nuances of your situation and can advocate for you effectively.

Set boundaries

Learn to set firm boundaries with anyone who enables or perpetuates abuse, even if they’re family members or professionals. This is one of the hardest things for us to do because, let’s face it, most of us are people-pleasers, but it’s okay to say no, demand better treatment, or walk away when you’re consistently disrespected.

Empower yourself

Focus on your healing and empowerment. Whether it’s through therapy (absolutely necessary for victims of coercive control), self-help books that focus on recovery and empowerment (not just fixing relationships), personal development courses, or all of the above, remember that your ultimate goal is your well-being.

Want to know how I can help you?

*My exchange with John Gray took place after a talk he gave on a Caribbean cruise I was on. One incredibly cringeworthy detail of his talk: he mentioned how he and his wife scheduled sex once every week (or was it every week? I can’t remember now). But either way, eeeeeugh!

Resources

Click on the image below to listen to an episode of the podcast “If Books Could Kill” that brilliantly dissects Men Are from Mars, Women are From Venus. In this case, I think the name of the podcast is pretty apt. I’m sure there are women who are dead because they were gaslighted by this book into staying too long in an abusive relationship.

And, remember, stay informed, and stay connected. Your journey towards freedom and healing starts now.