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- Ever feel like you're just spinning in circles with the same problem.
Ever feel like you're just spinning in circles with the same problem.
šµ You might be experiencing the Blue Dot effect.
Rina Groeneveld
February 09, 2024
A few years back, researchers asked people to identify the blue dots in a series of blue and purple dots.
At first, they got it right. Then the sequences started showing fewer and fewer blue dots.
Did people start identifying fewer blue dots?
š² No, they started identifying MORE dots than before as blue. Even though they'd been told the blue dots would become rarer and were promised money for selecting the right amount of dots!
This isn't just an optical illusion. In follow-up experiments, the participants did the same thing with threatening and non-threatening faces and unethical and ethical research proposals.
This shows why, if you're trying to solve a problem, focusing on the problem isn't helpful.
When you do that, you're actually š±š²š²š½š²š»š¶š»š“ the neural pathways devoted to the problem, and the problem seems more insurmountable.
Why not create new neural pathways, ones that help you work towards solving it?
Focusing on problems leads us to the past. It leads us to try to change what canāt be changed. Focusing on problems leads to blame, excuses, and justifications. Itās complicated, slow, and often drains our mental energy. Focusing on solutions, however, immediately creates energy in our minds. We open up ideas and possibilitiesā¦This doesnāt mean we donāt address problemsāfar from it; it means we address them by analyzing the way forward, instead of their causes.
š Just to be clearātaking a solution-oriented approach rather than a problem-oriented one is NOT toxic positivity. It doesnāt mean dismissing your problem or your feelings.
It means accepting them, and then just shifting your focus.
If you're a victim of post-separation abuse, there's a lot you can't control. You can't control your ex's reactions, you can't control your children's feelings, and you can't control what a judge decides.
You feel like you're trapped in a loop, where you're constantly being retraumatized, keeping you stuck in the same place.
Recognizing the Blue Dot effect in your life is the first step toward breaking this cycle.
ā It doesn't mean ignoring the challenges you've faced.
ā It's about changing your focus to what empowers you, what brings you peace, and what moves you forward.
What can you do today to shift your perspective on one problem in your life to a solution-oriented one?
Reply to this email and let me know what comes up for you.
Did someone forward this onto you?
Resources
Tina Swithin has been an advocate for parents dealing with post-separation abuse and their children who have to endure the fallout of divorcing a narcissist ever since she started her blog One Momās Battle.
Tina developed a system for documenting a custody battle that was a game changer for her and other parents who use it. Tinaās system takes the headache out of documentation.
One of my clients who used this system was able to provide evidence of her exās abusive behaviour within less than an hour to her lawyer, who needed it urgently for court. Her documentation has also enabled her to identify patterns of abuse that wouldnāt have been clear to her otherwise.
You can find Tinaās documentation workshop (and her other courses) under online courses at the link above.
To concludeā¦
P.S. Your stories of change and empowerment are what make this work I do so worthwhile. We arenāt navigating challenges; we're transforming them into stepping stones for a brighter tomorrow.
