- Taking Back Your Power
- Posts
- 🦚Tired of playing "secretary" to your ex?
🦚Tired of playing "secretary" to your ex?
Strategies to counter weaponized incompetence
Rina Groeneveld
May 02, 2025
"Send me a copy of our kid’s report. It’s too complicated to sign up with the school portal."
"I couldn’t figure out how to make the doctor's appointment."
"I don't know how to download the co-parenting app."
Sound familiar? If you're dealing with an ex who seems like they suddenly "can't" handle basic tasks they were perfectly capable of before, you're not imagining things. You're being blasted by wave after wave of weaponized incompetence. This manipulation tactic starts looking less like incompetence and more like malice and strategy after separation.
Jen described a situation that perfectly captures this phenomenon. Her ex-husband, an engineer who manages multi-million dollar projects, couldn’t figure out the logistics of booking a medical appointment for their daughter. This is the same man who had often boasted about his superior organizational skills compared to hers.
I had asked him to book an appointment for our daughter for a holter monitor. He said he booked it, during his parenting time at a clinic that was hard for my daughter to get to on her own, and he refused to take her. So I took her. Only there was no appointment booked. I took the morning off to take her and drove 1 hour each way. I stopped delegating any appointments after that because I only get screwed when I ask him to help.
This calculated incompetence is more than just annoying. It's a strategic form of control that can drain your time, energy, and resources. It can also potentially harm your position in custody matters.
The strategy behind the "helplessness"
Someone who deploys weaponized incompetence isn’t actually incapable. They’re making a choice. Your ex is deliberately failing at tasks to shift the burden to you, with the additional payoff of creating a narrative they can use against you.
This tactic serves them in several ways:
Creating extra labor for you
By "failing" at basic tasks, they force you to pick up the slack, adding to your already full plate.
Manufacturing dependency
They create situations where you feel compelled to step in, keeping you under their control through their dependence.
Building a custody narrative
When you inevitably take over these tasks to protect your children's interests, they can claim you're "controlling" or "making unilateral decisions."
Evading responsibility
They avoid parental duties while maintaining the appearance of involvement.
Setting you up for failure
If you refuse to make up for their "incompetence," your children could suffer, potentially making you look negligent.
Liz shared how this played out in her situation:
My ex claimed he 'didn't know how' to administer our daughter's asthma medication. After she had an attack at his house and ended up in the ER, he told the hospital staff that I hadn't properly explained the medication to him. I had. In fact, I’d done it several times, with written instructions. But suddenly, I was the one being questioned by child protection workers.
Recognizing patterns of strategic incompetence
Post-separation weaponized incompetence typically follows specific patterns:
The selective skills gap
Your ex demonstrates complete competence in areas that interest them or benefit them directly, while being mysteriously "incapable" of tasks related to childcare, co-parenting, or legal obligations.
What it looks like:
Can navigate complex fantasy football statistics but "can't understand" the school calendar.
Manages their own finances perfectly but is "confused" about how to pay child support on time.
Organizes elaborate social events but "forgets" children's medical appointments.
Uses technology skillfully for personal and professional purposes but is "unable" or keeps needing to be reminded to use the co-parenting app.
My ex husband contacted my son's dad to ask him to TELL me to get him another copy of the divorce certificate. He already had one but lost it. When I said hell no, do it yourself, and don't contact my family, he told me I was deliberately stopping his happiness. All he had to do was go online and order another one... he didn't even do the divorce himself. I had to do it.
The responsibility ping-pong
When a task needs doing, your ex bounces it back to you repeatedly through a series of deliberate failures.
What it looks like:
"I tried to make the appointment but they asked questions I couldn't answer."
"I filled out the form but they said it was wrong, so you need to do it."
"I attempted to coordinate with the teacher but there was some confusion, so you handle it."
The timeline torpedo
Your ex waits until the last possible moment to reveal they haven't completed a time-sensitive task, forcing you to rush to handle it.
What it looks like:
Texting the night before a form is due to say they "can't figure it out".
Claiming confusion about taking a child somewhere minutes before they're supposed to do it.
"Discovering" they don't have the necessary supplies or information during their parenting time.
The real-world impact
The consequences of weaponized incompetence extend far beyond annoying inconveniences. Caroline's story illustrates the serious toll this tactic can take:
My ex claimed he “didn't know how” to schedule our son's therapy appointments, which fell during his custody time. After missing six consecutive sessions, our son's therapist dropped him as a patient due to the inconsistency. Not only did this disrupt crucial treatment for our son's anxiety, but in our next court appearance, my ex argued that therapy “wasn't working anyway” as a reason to discontinue it entirely.
This pattern creates cascading effects:
For you:
Increased mental and emotional labor.
Extra time commitments.
Professional disruptions.
Financial burdens for tasks that should be shared.
Potential legal implications when you take over responsibilities.
For your children:
Inconsistent care and support.
Missed opportunities and appointments.
Confusion about responsibilities.
Potential modeling of manipulative behavior.
Disruption to important services and activities.
My daughter (6) is very stressed every Monday morning starting the weeks with her dad when I’m combing her hair because whenever I do a braid or anything other than a simple ponytail, her father complains to her that he can't undo it. She repeats to me every time to "please, please, only do a pony tail" otherwise her dad will get mad. I hate that he stresses her out like that just cause he can't figure out how to undo a braid...especially as her hair is straight.
Strategic responses to weaponized incompetence
To counter this tactic effectively, you need a balanced approach that protects your boundaries and your children without you falling into the traps your ex is setting.
1. Document the pattern
Create a detailed record of instances where your ex has demonstrated weaponized incompetence.
Effective documentation includes:
Date, time, and description of the situation.
Direct quotes from communications.
What capability they're claiming to lack.
Evidence of their capability in similar areas.
The impact on you and your children.
Any witnesses to the behavior.
Julie, a mom of two, shared her approach:
I created a spreadsheet tracking every time my ex claimed he “couldn't figure out” something related to our kids. I noted what he claimed he couldn't do alongside examples of similar complex tasks he managed perfectly in his personal life. After three months, the pattern was undeniable. He was “incompetent” only when the task benefited the children rather than himself.
2. Implement the "return to sender" strategy
Instead of automatically taking over tasks your ex claims inability to complete, bounce the responsibility back with resources that eliminate the excuse.
How to execute this strategy:
Provide simple, clear instructions (preferably in writing).
Include links to resources or tutorials when relevant.
Set clear expectations: "I'm confident you can handle this with these instructions."
Document your response for future reference.
For example: "Here's the link to schedule the dentist appointment. The insurance information is attached, and I've included our child's patient ID number. The office is open Monday-Friday, 9-5. Please confirm when you've scheduled it."
Liz, whose story I described earlier in this newsletter, was glad she was able to produce written proof of where she’d shared the instructions for her daughter’s asthma medication with her ex when the child protection authorities blamed her for his incompetence.
3. Use parallel parenting tools strategically
Structured communication and parenting tools can create accountability and help you show a pattern of deliberate weaponized incompetence.
Effective tools include:
Court-ordered co-parenting apps with tracking features.
Shared digital calendars with notification capabilities.
Written parenting plans with specific responsibility assignments.
Amelia found a creative solution:
After my ex repeatedly claimed he couldn't figure out our daughter's medication schedule, I asked our pediatrician to create an official medical instruction sheet. I submitted this to the court and had it incorporated into our parenting plan. Now there's no room for him to say he’s confused. It's a court order with medical backing.
4. Apply the "natural consequences" approach
Sometimes, the most effective response is to allow your ex to experience the natural consequences of their claimed incompetence, as long as your child isn't put at risk.
This might look like:
Not rushing to complete forms they've neglected (if it’s not time-sensitive for your child).
Letting them appear unprepared in front of teachers or coaches.
Letting them explain to authority figures why they "couldn't" complete a basic task.
One mom shared:
My ex claimed he “didn't know how” to pack appropriate clothes for our daughter's outdoor school trip during his week. Instead of packing a backup bag, I emailed the teacher, CCing him, and explaining the situation and asking her to contact him directly if our daughter arrived unprepared. He suddenly figured out how to pack perfectly when he realized I wouldn't be the backup plan and he'd have to explain his 'incompetence' to the teacher.
5. Create evidence of capability
Sometimes you need to establish that your ex is perfectly capable of tasks they claim to find confusing.
Strategies include:
Scheduling instruction sessions with witnesses present.
Providing written instructions and having them demonstrate understanding.
Creating video tutorials specific to their claimed areas of confusion.
Having professionals (teachers, doctors, coaches) directly instruct them.
Amanda, whose ex claimed he "couldn't understand" their son's diabetes management, took decisive action:
I arranged for the diabetes educator at the hospital to do a training session with both of us. She had him demonstrate each step of glucose testing and insulin administration while she evaluated his technique. She provided written certification that he was fully competent to manage our son's diabetes care. He never claimed confusion again.
When the stakes are high: Safety and emergency planning
When weaponized incompetence involves matters of health, safety, or critical needs, you may need to create backup systems to protect your children.
Consider these approaches:
Create emergency information sheets
Develop simple, clear emergency reference sheets with all the vital information that can be posted in your ex's home or carried by your child.
Engage backup adults
Identify trusted adults who can serve as emergency contacts during your ex's parenting time.
Use technology
For older children, consider medical alert apps or devices that can connect them with emergency services if needed.
Establish professional oversight
If it’s possible, arrange for direct professional communication with your ex from doctors, therapists, or educators about critical needs.
Seek court intervention
In cases where weaponized incompetence creates genuine safety concerns, request specific court orders addressing the critical areas of care.
The bigger picture: Breaking the cycle
While it’s challenging dealing with your ex's weaponized incompetence, don’t forget that your response teaches your children important lessons about responsibility, boundaries, and healthy relationships.
By not enabling this manipulative behavior, you demonstrate:
That boundaries are healthy and necessary.
That adults are responsible for developing necessary skills.
That manipulation isn't an effective long-term strategy.
That capable functioning is an expectation, not an option.
As Rachel reflected:
I used to jump in and do everything my ex claimed he couldn't handle. One day, our 10-year-old daughter said, “Mom, why does Dad pretend he can't do things just so you'll do them?” That was my wake-up call. I realized I was showing my daughter that this behavior was acceptable. That day, I started responding differently.
Weaponized incompetence thrives in the shadows of enablement. Each time you compensate for your ex's strategic failures and let them evade accountability, you reinforce the pattern. But when you shine a light on the behavior, stick to appropriate boundaries, and implement strategic responses, you start undoing its power.
Your ex might keep acting like the world’s most incompetent person, but you don't have to be their unpaid, unacknowledged secretary. By recognizing the pattern and responding strategically, you reclaim your time, energy, and agency. Plus, you’re also modeling healthy boundaries for your children.
Remember: Your ex’s incompetence is a choice, not a reality. You can choose how to respond to it too.
Turn co-parenting chaos into confidence with a free 30-minute session
Book a free 30-minute discovery session with me, where you'll have the chance to:
Share the specific challenges you're facing with your narcissistic ex
Gain clarity on the outcomes you truly want for yourself and your children
Identify the obstacles that have been preventing you from parenting with confidence
Discover how my coaching approach can specifically help you in your unique situation
Even if we decide not to work together, you'll walk away with greater clarity and direction than when you started. This conversation can be the first step toward taking charge of your relationship instead of having your ex pull everyone’s strings.
Want to know more about what I do?
Did someone forward this to you?
Resources
To be honest, I thought there would be a gazillion books on weaponized incompetence available for me to pick from and recommend. I was shocked to find almost no resources on weaponized incompetence after separation! None of the few books there were specifically addressed dealing with someone who truly is weaponizing incompetence in a malignant way.
However, Weaponized Incompetence: Recognizing, Addressing, and Overcoming Deliberate Avoidance by Norris Elliott does deal with this in the professional context. It also has a great section on the impact of weaponized incompetence on mental health, and if you’ve got one of those exes, you’ll certainly feel seen.
The chapter on psychological and behavioral techniques, with a series of action steps, is also incredibly useful for any victim of post-separation abuse in any context. This book isn’t overwhelming, and it’s available free on Kindle Unlimited.
