"How do you maintain your authority with your child when your narcissistic ex undermines all your rules and values?"

When this question came up, I knew right away that it deserved an entire newsletter. It's a common scenario and one I hear over and over again from parents trying to co-parent with a narcissistic ex.

You set reasonable boundaries. You establish healthy routines. You create a structured environment where your child can thrive.

And then... your ex deliberately does the exact opposite. They let your child stay up until midnight. They buy inappropriate video games you've expressly forbidden. They encourage your child to keep secrets from you.

It feels like trying to build a sandcastle while someone’s standing behind you with a bucket of water, gleefully sloshing away all your efforts.

It’s even more challenging when your child’s a teen and naturally gravitates toward the permissive parent. After all, who wouldn't prefer the parent who says "yes" to everything over the one who enforces bedtimes and homework?

There’s actually a word for when your ex actively undermines you. It’s called counter-parenting. And it goes without saying that conventional co-parenting advice falls short here. You're not dealing with a reasonable coparent who cares about your child’s best interests like you do, even though they might have a wildly different parenting style. You're battling with someone who uses your child as a pawn in their ongoing attempts to undermine, control, and manipulate you.

This calls for what one of the members of my local support group, Helen, described as "radical attunement" to your child. It's about going beyond standard parenting approaches and creating a connection so strong that it holds up against your manipulative ex’s sustained assaults.

Radical attunement means connecting deeply with your child on multiple levels:

Pay close attention to your child's emotional state. When they come back from time with your ex, they’re likely to be confused, conflicted, or dysregulated. Instead of immediately enforcing rules they've broken at the other home, create space for them to process their feelings first.

Understand that your child's brain is still developing. Their ability to deal with conflicting messages from their parents is limited. They aren't being "disloyal" to you. Their brain just isn’t developed enough to reconcile these contradictions.

Focus on building your relationship rather than enforcing your authority. When your relationship is strong, your influence follows naturally.

I once saw an episode of Supernanny, where the parents tried to robotically follow Supernanny’s disciplinary techniques and failed miserably. There was one thing they never did, though. Whenever Supernanny spoke to the kids, she got down on her haunches and talked to them at their eye level. She was connecting with them in a way their parents never did, and this was what made the difference, not any of the techniques that the parents picked up from her.

An ex who counter-parents undermines conventional authority, so you need to build a different kind of authority, one that’s based on connection, trust, and safety. Here's how:

Your home should be a place of emotional safety and predictability. Children thrive when they know what to expect emotionally from their caregiver.

When your child returns from their other parent's home, maintain your routines, but with big heapings of empathy. "I know bedtime might be different at Dad's house, and it frustrates you that it’s different here, but in our home, children go to bed at 8 pm because sleep helps your bodies and brains grow strong."

Children are naturally trusting and don't recognize manipulation. You can teach them to identify manipulative behaviors without ever mentioning your ex.

You might use age-appropriate books, movies, or even situations from your child's own social life to illustrate these concepts.

When your child enjoys something at your ex's house that you don't allow, avoid criticizing that. Instead, validate their enjoyment while you explain your boundaries.

This approach acknowledges their experience without undermining or compromising on your values.

When your child comes back with stories about their other parent's home, ask open-ended questions rather than making judgments.

One powerful strategy from child development research is what experts call "catching them being good." This means actively looking for moments when your child is cooperating, following rules, or showing good judgment and then acknowledging these moments.

This technique is especially effective with children who are experiencing conflicting parenting styles because it reinforces your values in a positive way rather than through criticism.

When our children are upset, particularly after returning from the other parent’s home, we often feel tempted to distract them from their feelings or offer substitutes for what they enjoyed there. This well-intentioned approach can actually impede their emotional development.

The most challenging aspect of radical attunement is managing your own emotional reactions. When your ex undermines you, it's natural to feel angry, frustrated, or even despairing.

This might mean:

When you focus on radical attunement rather than trying to match your ex's undermining tactics, you're playing the long game. Here's why this approach works:

These moments show that your consistent modeling of values eventually bears fruit, even when you’re being constantly undermined.

If you're in the thick of this struggle right now, know that your efforts aren't in vain. You can take encouragement from Helen's experience: "Fast forward to now, I have a great relationship with my tween. So far, the mother-child relationship that I have built is stronger than his relentless efforts to destroy it."

The relationship you're building, day by day, can withstand even the most persistent undermining. Your consistent love, boundaries, and attunement create a foundation that manipulation can’t shake.

Just remember that you aren’t just teaching your child how to behave. What you’re actually teaching them (no, demonstrating to them) is how to recognize authenticity, how to maintain their values when they’re under pressure, and how to build healthy relationships of their own someday.

That's a gift that lasts a lifetime.

Book a free 30-minute discovery session with me, where you'll have the chance to:

• Share the specific challenges you're facing with your narcissistic ex

• Gain clarity on the outcomes you truly want for yourself and your children

• Identify the obstacles that have been preventing you from parenting with confidence

• Discover how my coaching approach can specifically help you in your unique situation

Even if we decide not to work together, you'll walk away with greater clarity and direction than when you started. This conversation alone can be the first step toward taking charge of your relationship with your child instead of having your ex pull everyone’s strings.

Want to know more about what I do?

Resources

If you've ever picked up your child from your ex's home only to face an emotional meltdown that leaves you both exhausted, The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson will be your new parenting lifeline.

This book perfectly explains what I described in my newsletter about your child's "Jekyll and Hyde transformation" during custody transitions. Remember when I talked about your child's brain being like a house with two rooms—the emotional brain and the thinking brain—and how stress causes that connecting door to slam shut? Siegel and Bryson don't just confirm this science; they provide practical, age-specific strategies to help reconnect those two brain parts.

What makes this book particularly valuable for parents dealing with a counter-parenting ex is its focus on integration. When your child is struggling to reconcile contradictory rules and expectations between households, the techniques in this book help you:

• Recognize when your child is overwhelmed by competing messages

• Respond effectively to post-visit meltdowns without undermining your authority

• Create opportunities for your child to process their experiences at both homes

• Build resilience in your child's developing brain

The book's "connect before you correct" approach aligns perfectly with the radical attunement strategy I discussed, offering concrete examples of how to maintain your boundaries while honoring your child's emotional experience.

If you're tired of feeling powerless when your ex undermines your parenting, "The Whole-Brain Child" provides the neurological understanding and practical tools to transform these challenging moments into opportunities for deeper connection and growth.