🦚Has your abusive ex discovered ChatGPT?

I’ve been getting messages from my readers lately that all sound similar:

“My ex’s emails suddenly sound professional and polished. I think he’s using AI.”

“He’s sending these beautifully written messages that make ME look like the unstable one.”

“His lawyer-speak messages are so convincing now. What if the judge believes them?”

I get it. The pit you feel in your stomach when you realize your manipulative ex has discovered ChatGPT. Your worry that they’ve found the perfect tool to weaponize against you.

I want to make one thing clear: Your ex using AI isn’t the game-changer you think it is.

The reality of AI and narcissistic abuse

Based on what I've observed with my clients, here’s what’s actually happening when coercive controllers start using ChatGPT:

They’re putting lipstick on a pig. 
Those beautifully written messages don’t change the underlying reality. They’re still not paying child support, they’re still violating court orders, they’re still counter-parenting, and they’re still manipulating the children. AI can’t make up facts out of thin air.

Garbage in = garbage out. 
If your ex is feeding distorted information into ChatGPT, the output will mirror this. If I tell it a fake story, it will generate a flawed (but oh-so smooth) response based on that fake story. It doesn’t know I’m telling lies.

Also, I’ve seen AI-generated messages from abusers that contain factual errors and statements that make no logical sense, even from the sender’s perspective, when you look closely. That’s because AI can hallucinate and get things back to front and upside down. And the more unclear the input, the more it does this.

One friend of mine got an obviously AI-written response to her request for reimbursement of medical costs, where her ex wrote “I acknowledge receipt of your payments.” Not only did AI get the direction completely backwards, but he’s actually in arrears for his basic child support and didn’t make the requested reimbursements either.

Another (obviously ChatGPT-generated) message from him about free resources for their children (i.e. ones that he wouldn’t have to make a financial contribution towards) contained resources that either didn’t exist or were totally unsuitable for their needs.

They’re not bringing their best self to the table, and this is reflected in how they use AI. 
AI-generated responses need good prompting and strong editing, or at least a read through to make sure that the chatbot got all the facts right (see garbage in = garbage out above). Abusers are often too entitled to take these extra steps and to exercise the self-insight that makes AI truly useful. They want quick results without doing the work.

Meanwhile, someone genuinely trying to be their best, most authentic self will critically evaluate the AI’s suggestions, correct errors, and use it as a thinking tool rather than a magic solution. This fundamental difference in approach means that abusers’ AI-generated messages often contain the same easy-to-spot manipulative patterns, just dressed up in fancier language.

How to spot AI-generated messages

Here are the telltale signs that your ex might be using ChatGPT or similar tools:

Sudden vocabulary upgrade: If your ex, who could barely string one sentence together without at least three grammar mistakes and two spelling errors, is suddenly writing like a corporate lawyer, that’s your first clue.

AI buzzwords everywhere: Look for overuse of words like navigate, facilitate, however, therefore, notably, utilize, pivotal, or leverage. These are AI favorites.

Common AI sentence constructions: Emphatic contrast, like It isn’t X. It’s Y. Frequent use of paired elements like whether…or, either…or, and not just…but. Three-part lists. From…to patterns. Overuse of present participles (verbs ending in -ing). Sentences that start with formal participial phrases like Given [situation], Considering [circumstances], or Based on [information] that sound more like a business memo than a message about your kids. Also, sentences starting with However are a big giveaway.

Title case formatting: AI chatbots, especially ChatGPT, automatically format headers with title case (Where Every Main Word is Capitalized Like This). If your ex, who normally writes in all lowercase or with random capitalization, suddenly starts organizing messages with properly formatted section headers in title case, that’s a dead giveaway.

Individual terms in quotation marks: AI often puts words or terms in quotation marks for emphasis or to highlight legal/technical language, like “reasonable” or “best interests of the child.” Most people don’t bother with this level of consistent formatting in casual messages.

Overly formal language: Messages that sound like they were written by someone communicating in a corporate context rather than with their ex about their kids.

Perfect grammar from someone who never used it: Suddenly flawless punctuation and sentence structure from someone who previously wrote like a second grader. Bonus tip: if you’re outside the USA and your ex is using US grammar (em-dashes, Oxford commas, and full stops and commas inside quotation marks) and US spelling, that’s a massive giveaway.

You get a long, perfectly written response about 2 nanoseconds after you send your message: Slight exaggeration there, but it takes time to read, analyze, and think through responses, even for narcissists.

Emoji overload: AI, particularly ChatGPt, often uses emojis at the start of responses or throughout bullet points (like 🔥, 💡, ⚠️, 🎯).

Generic, template-like responses: Messages that sound like they could apply to anyone’s situation rather than describing specific details about your family.

Logical inconsistencies: AI sometimes gets details backwards or mixed up. You might see statements that contradict earlier parts of the same message or don’t align with the actual facts of your situation, even from your ex’s point of view.

Emotional disconnect: The writing might be polished and seem strangely detached from the actual emotions or the urgency of the situation.

Uncharacteristic politeness: If your typically aggressive ex suddenly starts writing “I hope this message finds you well,” that’s a red flag for AI use.

Your response strategy

Stay focused on documentation. Keep recording your ex’s actual behavior patterns, like missed child support payments, violated court orders, inappropriate communications. The nice writing doesn’t erase the facts. Document these facts. “Refused to allow the children to attend their friend’s birthday party. This is the third time this year this has happened. In fact, he has never allowed them to attend any friends’ birthday parties during his parenting time.”

Drill down for the substance. Ask yourself: What is this message actually asking for? Is it reasonable? Does it align with court orders? The fancy packaging with its beautiful bow doesn’t magically change the dross inside it.

Stick to your boundaries like a limpet. Whether your ex writes “I demand” or “I respectfully request,” your answer to unreasonable demands remains the same.

Consider your options. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by these more polished manipulative tactics, this might be a good time to explore tools that can help you think more strategically about your responses.

Document the use of AI. I wasn’t going to suggest making the use of AI itself an issue in court because that would mean that victims shouldn’t be allowed to use it either. Then, yesterday, one of the women I helped received a message from her ex, with a statement he said was from his attorney, supporting his point of view in a disagreement they were having.

Yes, you guessed it. The message from her ex’s “attorney” was full of AI red flags. The telltale emoji, the terms in quotation marks, and the overuse of EM dashes, as well as the informal nicknames for family members that obviously mirrored his input, made it clear that this wasn’t written by an attorney. Unless his attorney was using AI to respond to him, which raises its own questions about the quality of representation. If so, his attorney was likely charging their standard hourly rate for work that took seconds to generate.

So, how can this be useful? Well, if your ex is constantly sending you messages that are obviously written by AI and purports that they’re sent to him by some authority figure (whether it’s his attorney, a doctor, his boss, or whoever) and you can see it’s generated by AI and you have actual correspondence to compare it to, you can ask your attorney if presenting this in court will show their lack of credibility. And if you have reason to believe your ex’s attorney is using AI inappropriately in their practice, you could consult with your own attorney about whether this is worth raising with the bar association.

Same circus, different tent

Your ex using ChatGPT might make their messages sound more professional, but it doesn’t give them new powers. It’s the same manipulation with better vocabulary.

Meanwhile, you can keep on building your authentic strength through whatever methods work for you. These might include therapy, support groups, and legal advocacy, which will help you learn to trust your own perceptions of their behaviour patterns.

If you do use AI tools yourself, remember that to get quality output, you need honest input, extra prompting to correct misconceptions on the part of the chatbot, careful review, and genuine effort. Shortcuts generate sloppy results that can hurt your case.

P.S. Want to learn how to use AI strategically in your own situation, without making the mistakes your ex is making? My upcoming book AI Armor: Your Digital Defense Solution For Coparenting With A Narcissist is a comprehensive guide on using AI tools to decode manipulation, generate strategic responses, build court-ready documentation, bring your best, most authentic self to the witness stand, and reclaim your power. It includes specific prompts and techniques I’ve developed based on my work with post-separation abuse survivors and I’ve written it in consultation with AI experts.

I’m in the final editing stages, the incredibly boring but absolutely necessary part. When it’s published, you’ll be able to purchase it on Amazon at a special, really low, early-bird price.

Want to know how I can help you?

Feeling intimidated by your ex's messages?

Contact me for a 30-minute consultation, free of charge, where you can talk to someone who understands what's behind them.

You’ll get the chance to discuss the specific communication patterns that are throwing you off balance. You’ll also get more insight into where you’re struggling to stay focused on what really matters in your situation.

You’ll leave with clarity about

• What actually matters for your case

• Whether my coaching approach can help you develop the strategic thinking you need

• Your next steps, whether or not we work together

Even if we decide coaching isn’t the right fit, you’ll walk away with a clearer perspective on where your ex’s communication tactics are tripping you up.

Want to know more about what I do?

Resources

Here’s a prompt you can use yourself with your preferred AI chatbot when you get one of these messages from your ex.