🦚 Exhausted by your narcissist ex's power plays?

Imagine stepping onto a tennis court, racket in hand. You've practiced your serves and perfected your backhand. But as you look across the net, you realize something's off.

Your opponent isn't dressed for tennis; Nope, they’re suited up like an NFL linebacker—helmet, pads, and a look in their eyes that says they’re ready to flatten more than just a tennis ball.

Here you thought you were in for a civilized game of tennis, but they’re gearing up for full-contact football. And not the friendly kind. This is the kind of football where there are no rules, no refs, and no fouls—just a relentless drive to win at all costs.

Yes, I’m really talking about high-conflict divorce.

Actually, I’m being generous because with a high-conflict divorce, the first inkling that something’s wrong usually only comes when your ex has run you over a couple of times.

Here you are, thinking, I want my ex to understand we need to co-parent. You tell yourself, Maybe if I explain things calmly, they’ll finally get that it’s not about winning—it’s about the kids. You want them to respect you, to compromise, to staaaaahhhhp playing these exhausting mind games.

It’s time for a reality check

I’m sorry, but that ship sailed long ago. In fact, it was actually a figment of your imagination. If your ex ticks at least 5 of these boxes (I’m not in the business of diagnosis, but it’s a useful guide), there’s a good chance that you were groomed into starting a relationship with them and all through the relationship as well.

Respect, compromise, or understanding were never, ever on the table. Not at the start of your relationship, not during it, and especially not now that it’s over.

Your ex doesn’t give two hoots about co-parenting or fairness. To your ex, this isn’t about finding common ground—it’s about having all the ground. They want control, they want power, and they want to win, no matter the cost. You’re playing tennis but they’re in it to draw blood.

If you’re trying to get them to see reason, you’re playing a loser’s game

It’s never going to happen. They thrive on chaos. They want you to keep trying to get through to them because, as long as you’re doing that, you’re stuck in their game, playing by their rules.

So what’s your move?

Play to the real audience. The judge, the mediator, the parental coordinator—those are the people who matter now. Tina Swithin describes the strategy like this.

Everything you say, every piece of evidence you put forward, should be aimed at showing that you’re the reasonable one, that you’re the one focused on what’s right for the kids. Document everything, stay calm, and let them spiral in their own chaos.

At the end of the day, it’s not about getting your ex to understand anything. Your ultimate goal is to protect yourself, your sanity, and your kids from the trainwreck they’re determined to create.

Your real victory isn’t convincing them. It’s walking away with your peace of mind intact, knowing you didn’t fall into their trap. That’s the win that matters.

Tried the Narc Decoder prompt yet?

Don’t forget that you can use one of the Narc Decoder prompts or the strategy prompt in my prompt guide to get to the bottom of what your ex is actually saying in any written communications. If you haven’t downloaded the prompt guide yet, you can do so by entering your email address using the button below.

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Want to know how I can help you

As a dual-certified One Moms Battle high-conflict divorce coach and a CDC Certified Divorce Coach®, I’ve helped my clients work to take control of the narrative, protect their peace, and find smart, effective ways to outmaneuver the chaos. It’s not easy, but with the right help, it’s possible.

If you’re looking for a coach who understands high-conflict personalities, knows how to strategize, and can help you clear away the fog that’s clouding your vision, someone in your corner who gets it—someone who can help you…

If you want to book a 30-minute discovery call to see how I can help you, just respond to this email or fill out the contact form on my website.

Resources

Seeing as I started this newsletter with a sports analogy, I thought I’d end it with a book that’s basically one sporting story after another. But what a book! I’ve already recommended it a couple of times and if I recommend it hundred more times, it won’t be enough. I like it so much, I even collated the exercises from the online version for easy access.

This book isn’t one of those quickie, "I can do it, I can do anything" kind of books. The author takes you on a journey of discovery with a series of engaging exercises designed to help you become more confident about your abilities no matter what you want to build your confidence in. Whether you’re an entrepreneur, an athlete, or someone who just wants to become more confident in standing up for yourself in a high-conflict divorce, it’s a great addition to your toolbox.

Also, it’s currently available for free if you have a Kindle Unlimited subscription. What’s not to like? If you’re someone who hates sports, you might find all the stories of athletes a bit much to wade through, but honestly, the book is well worth it.

P.S. Unlike my mother, who lives in Ireland and, at 80, is the oldest female season ticket holder to her local rugby team and avidly watches the Olympics, every tennis tournament, rugby match, and golf tournament she can, I’m actually not a huge sports fan. The only sport that I will go out of my way to watch is figure skating. But even I can enjoy coming up with a good sports metaphor every now and then.