🦚"I forgive you for things I imagined" - wait, wut?

Have you ever received a message like this?

"I'll be upfront that I in no way was attempting to challenge nor question your choices/decisions and parenting during your time. I apologize if you felt a certain way or felt targeted."

A friend of mine recently got it from her ex. This is a textbook example of a fauxpology, and when abuse victims actually manage to get an apology from their abusers, that’s usually what it sounds like.

What is a fauxpology?

The Collins dictionary defines a fauxpology as: “...a false apology that you say or write in order to tell someone that you are sorry but you do not really mean it.”

According to Wikipedia: “A non-apology apology, sometimes called a backhanded apology, nonpology, or fauxpology is a statement in the form of an apology that does not express remorse for what was done or said, or assigns fault to those ostensibly receiving the apology.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a common fauxpology. The person isn’t apologizing for their actions. Instead, they’re blaming your reaction.

Why abusers send fauxpologies after separation

When someone leaves an abusive relationship, a fauxpology is a common response, because the abuser hopes that their target will fall for their manipulation. It’s an essential item in a coercive controller’s manipulation toolkit.

The message my friend received is packed with classic fauxpology elements:

• “I apologize if you felt...” – This places responsibility on her feelings, not his actions

• “I in no way was attempting...” – Denial and deflection of responsibility

• The entire tone suggests that he’s the reasonable one being misunderstood

A master class in manipulation

I’ve collected a few of these through the years. Here’s one of my favorite examples, sent by an abuser to his victim after she left him. Read it and weep (or laugh):

My dearest [target].

Things have come to a pretty pass but I want you to know that I still love you and once again I forgive you unreservedly for all the things real and imagined, where I thought you have wronged me.

I hope that one day you can forgive me too. I have behaved abominably. I have always held you to a very high standard. Perhaps too high a standard, one that you couldn’t achieve. You were my goddess. My love and my inspiration. I am guilty of being frustrated, angry and vindictive whenever you failed to match my idealized image of you and I took it out on you. It was greatly unfair of me to try and coax, threaten or guilt you into meeting my hopes or expectation. It is wrong of me to expect more of you than I can manage for myself. You have been immensely patient and indulgent with me. For all of that I am deeply sorry.

I resolve from here on to treat you fairly as you are without critique or condemnation and accept you as you are and treat you as if you have exceeded my highest expectations. You have always exceeded what should be any good standard and you are a great cook. I shall miss your cooking. I hope you can forgive me and not hold me to too high a standard yourself. I do hope to achieve a higher standard than I have in the past and maybe one day I will have the chance to prove that to you.

All of my Love. Forever yours, [Abuser]

This rambling word salad is just sophisticated manipulation disguised as contrition. Let's break down the red flags:

• I forgive you – He positions himself as the magnanimous one, implying that she’s done something wrong. Even worse, he’s putting the blame on her for things he “imagined.”

•  I have behaved abominably. I have always held you to a very high standard – His “bad behavior” lies in the fact that he has high standards.

• You were my goddess... you failed to match my idealized image – He’s blaming her for not living up to his impossible standards.

• Perhaps too high a standard, one that you couldn't achieve – Framing her as inadequate.

• You are a great cook. I shall miss your cooking. – Reducing her value to domestic service.

• I hope you can forgive me and not hold me to too high a standard yourself – Preemptively deflecting accountability for future behavior.

• What’s missing from this fauxpology – the actual reason why she left him, which was his emotional, financial, verbal, and sexual abuse. There’s not a whiff of an apology for any of those things.

Spoiler alert: this abuser did not live up to his professed hope of achieving a higher standard than he did in the past. When the woman who’d left him ignored his fauxpology, he ramped up the post-separation abuse to extreme levels, including a smear campaign and revenge porn.

What to look for in a fauxpology

Here are the key red flags that distinguish a fauxpology from a genuine apology:

Fauxpologies include:

• “I'm sorry you feel that way” or “I apologize if you felt...”

• Justifications and excuses for the behavior

• Blame-shifting to the victim

• Vague promises without concrete change

• Requests for immediate forgiveness

• Self-pity or martyrdom

• Grand declarations of love paired with subtle criticism

• No mention of the actual things they did wrong

Real apologies include:

• Clear acknowledgment of specific harmful actions

• Taking full responsibility without excuses

• Understanding of the impact on the other person

• Changed behavior over time

• No expectation of immediate forgiveness or reconciliation

• No strings attached

Remember this

You are not responsible for managing someone else’s emotions or accepting their fauxpology. A real apology doesn't put the burden back on you. A real apology acknowledges harm and demonstrates change through actions, not just words.

If you’re experiencing post-separation abuse and receiving messages like these, trust your instincts. You left for a reason, and manipulative “apologies” are just another form of control. Document, document, document! A constant flow of fauxpologies followed by abuse show a pattern of coercive control. It can also be a credibility killer for the abuser in the courtroom, if it’s documented and presented clearly.

Struggling to see through your ex's manipulation tactics?

Does your ex send you messages that leave you confused, guilty, or doubting your own reality? Do you find yourself second-guessing whether their “apologies” are genuine or just another attempt to pull you back in?

Feel free to contact me for a 30-minute consultation, free of charge, where you can finally talk to someone who understands the mind games you’re dealing with and won’t gaslight you about what’s really happening.

You’ll get the chance to share what you’re experiencing and what you hope for moving forward. You’ll leave with clarity about:

• The specific manipulation tactics your ex is using (fauxpologies, guilt-trips, blame-shifting, and more)

• The outcomes you truly want for yourself and your children

Whether or not we decide to work together, you’ll walk away with more clarity and validation than when you started. It’s time to start learning to trust your own perceptions again, rather than letting your ex define your reality.

Want to know more about what I do?

Resources

Here are some resources that explain fauxpologies better than your ex ever explained why he “forgot” to send the child support payment—again.

First up, there's an excellent article on manipulative apologies that breaks down all the greatest hits: the blame-shifting apology, the argument-ender apology, and my personal favorite, the “same mistake apology” (also known as the “I promise I’ll change this time, no really, I mean it, just like I did the last seventeen times” special). It’s like a field guide to emotional manipulation, except instead of spotting birds, you’re identifying different varieties of insincerity. The article covers everything from conditional language to guilt-tripping, and you’ll be checking off boxes like you’re playing manipulator bingo.

And if you have kids who are watching you deal with an ex who trots out fauxpologies to you and them, there's an entire universe of children’s books about genuine apologies. These books teach kids what real remorse looks like. You know, the kind where someone actually takes responsibility instead of saying “I’m sorry you feel that way.” The books in this list show kids that a proper apology doesn't include the words “but” or “if.”

Consider it counter-programming to whatever your ex is modeling. Plus, reading these with your kids might just help you buttress your own boundaries, as you realize that the apology standards you’re teaching your children are significantly higher than the ones you’ve been getting from their other parent.