🦚Feeling powerless against your abusive ex?

Ask anyone who's being abused by their ex what they want most, and they'll tell you this:

Peace.

They want the drama to stop, the conflict to end, and the space to breathe and move on with their lives.

But peace can feel like an impossible dream when you're in a high-conflict divorce or custody battle. It's easy to get lost in the frustration, the pain, and the unfairness of it all.

But what if I told you that the way to get some of that peace, to reclaim your power, is through radical acceptance?

As you read this, maybe you feel your blood pressure going up, your anger rising. Perhaps you’re ready to scroll right down to the Unsubscribe button, thinking, how dare she suggest I accept this nightmare? She has no idea what I'm going through!

I get it. That's exactly how I felt when I first encountered this concept. But stay with me for a bit. Radical acceptance isn't what you think it is, and it might just be the lifeline you've been searching for.

What is radical acceptance?

Radical acceptance doesn’t mean you have to agree with or condone the abuse or the injustice. What it really involves is acknowledging the reality of your situation without getting bogged down in the emotional morass it creates.

As explained by mental health experts, radical acceptance "does not mean we roll over and become helpless; rather, we acknowledge that denying the facts of reality will not change the facts, but keeps us stuck in thoughts such as 'this is unfair', 'why me?', and 'why now?'"

Think about it this way: When you're constantly fighting against reality, wishing things were different, you're keeping yourself stuck in a hamster wheel of pain and disappointment.

The paradox of radical acceptance

There's a frustrating paradox at the core of radical acceptance: the very process of embracing radical acceptance requires radical acceptance itself.

When we first encounter this concept, most of us resist it. We think, "But if I accept this situation, I'm letting my ex win" or "Accepting the court's failures feels like giving up." This resistance is natural and completely understandable.

The paradox is that we need to radically accept our struggle with radical acceptance. That struggle, the back-and-forth between knowing we need to accept reality and feeling resistance to that acceptance, is part of the process, not a failure of it.

There will be days when radical acceptance feels impossible, when the injustice burns too hot to embrace reality as it is. That's not failure; it's being human.

Tina Swithin, founder of One Mom's Battle and a survivor of narcissistic abuse, puts it perfectly:

Tina’s statement acknowledges a critical truth. Radical acceptance is hard. If you find it challenging to accept the reality of your situation, that doesn't mean you're failing. It means you're human.

When we can accept that struggle—when we can be gentle with ourselves as we learn this difficult skill—we actually accelerate toward the strategic clarity that radical acceptance eventually brings.

My personal lesson in radical acceptance

Radical acceptance isn't just valuable in high-conflict divorces. It's a powerful approach in any area of life. It transformed my own professional journey, even though I didn't recognize it as "radical acceptance" at the time.

I've been working as a freelance translator for the last 13 years. During this time, I joined a couple of Facebook groups for translators.

In these groups, I encountered constant negativity, mainly towards translation agencies, which were constantly berated for applying low fees, especially the "bottom-feeding" agencies. There was also a continuous barrage of criticism about machine translation post-editing work, which was seen as exploiting translators, and which everyone in these groups said you couldn't make a living with.

Meanwhile, I was making six figures annually doing mainly machine translation post-editing jobs for translation agencies which paid me what these translators would consider an unacceptable fee per word.

I realized that I was starting to absorb the thinking of these groups when I found myself wanting to constantly make sarcastic remarks about and to the project managers I worked with at the translation agencies. That's when I decided to leave them.

When I became active on LinkedIn, I saw that the same constant carping about translation agencies and about machine translation post-editing work was rampant there too. This time, though, it wasn’t in a group just for translators, but in their public posts and comments that their potential clients could see. I was shocked by this lack of professionalism, and I’m sure their potential clients were too.

Just as these translator communities reinforced "victim thinking" about agencies and technology, support groups for abuse survivors can sometimes inadvertently foster ongoing resentment rather than strategic empowerment and they can hinder radical acceptance.

Connecting the dots to post-separation abuse

I found success on my own terms by accepting the reality of the translation market rather than just wishing it were different. Dealing with post-separation abuse calls for a similar mindset shift.

When we spend our energy fighting against what "should be"—how our ex "should" behave, how courts "should" understand narcissistic abuse—we stay stuck in frustration, helplessness, and powerlessness. But when we accept reality as it is (even though we don’t approve of it), we can redirect that energy toward strategic action.

Tina Swithin explains this perfectly:

This doesn't mean the situation is fair. It's not. It also doesn’t mean there’s no place for advocacy. Advocacy is important and necessary. What Tina’s saying is that making your whole identity about wishing for fairness in a fundamentally unfair situation drains your energy and keeps you stuck.

The "should" test for radical acceptance

Here's a simple but powerful way to identify when you need to practice radical acceptance: If any of your statements about your ex, the courts, the judge, or court experts like evaluators and child protection workers include or imply the word "should," then you need to work on radical acceptance.

Some examples of these "should" statements might include:

Each one of these statements is understandable and often objectively valid. But each one also reveals an attachment to an alternative reality rather than a strategic engagement with the actual circumstances.

From radical acceptance to strategic action

Radical acceptance isn't the end goal. It's the beginning of effective action. When you stop expending emotional energy fighting against reality, you can redirect that energy toward strategies that work within reality.

Tina Swithin's practical advice about communicating with a narcissist ex illustrates this perfectly:

When you radically accept that your ex won't respond like a reasonable person, you can adopt a more strategic approach to communication. You’re not "letting them win". You’re refusing to play their game on their terms.

Moving forward

When you start practising radical acceptance, you don’t have to give up hope or surrender to abuse. It just means that you start seeing reality clearly, so you can make effective choices within it.

Remember:

Just as I found unexpected success in the translation world by accepting market realities that others rejected, you too can find your path forward by accepting the realities of your situation. Remember, you don’t have to approve of them. And when you advocate against them, your advocacy won’t come from a place of scarcity, or weakness. It will come from a place of strength. Radical acceptance doesn’t diminish your voice. It actually makes your advocacy more powerful and effective.

What's more, radical acceptance is one of the most powerful ways to protect your own health. When you're constantly fighting against reality, your body stays in a perpetual state of stress. This chronic stress response floods your system with cortisol and adrenaline, which can lead to serious health problems, including high blood pressure, weakened immunity, digestive issues, and even heart disease. The mental toll is just as devastating: anxiety, depression, sleep disturbances, and cognitive fog that makes strategic thinking nearly impossible.

Your experience might not be fair or just, but with radical acceptance, it can be one where you reclaim your power and your health, find your peace, and create the life you and your children deserve.

Ready to move from frustration to freedom?

Are you tired of feeling trapped in an endless cycle of conflict with your narcissistic ex? Imagine what it would be like to:

• Navigate interactions with your ex with calm confidence instead of anxiety

• Make strategic decisions based on clarity rather than emotional reactions

• Feel empowered in situations where you once felt helpless

• Develop concrete systems that protect your peace and your children's wellbeing

I've been where you are, and I've helped parents transform their approach to post-separation abuse through the power of radical acceptance and strategic thinking.

Book a free 30-minute discovery call

During our conversation, you'll have space to share your challenges without judgment and gain clarity about potential next steps.

Want to know more about what I do?

Resources

This humorous, inspiring TEDx talk on The Life-Changing Practice of Radical Acceptance by Maria Milagros Vazquez is an absolute must-watch

If you’re struggling with the concept of radical acceptance, check out this YouTube video from Dr. Ramani Durvasula.

And if you want to really get down to the nitty gritty of radical acceptance, Tara Brach’s book on the subject is currently available on Kindle for $1.99.

While this newsletter focuses on applying radical acceptance to post-separation abuse, Tara Brach's groundbreaking book "Radical Acceptance" offers the foundational understanding of this transformative concept.

What makes this book particularly valuable is Brach's gentle approach to working with pain and trauma. She doesn't ask you to approve of what happened to you or pretend everything is fine. Instead, she shows how accepting reality as it is (rather than as we wish it were) can actually free us from the additional suffering we create through resistance and self-blame.

Brach combines Western psychology with Eastern mindfulness practices, offering both the "why" behind radical acceptance and practical tools for developing this skill. Her concept of the "trance of unworthiness"—that voice telling us we're fundamentally flawed—will resonate deeply with anyone who has experienced narcissistic abuse and its aftermath.

If you're struggling with the "should" thoughts we discussed in this newsletter, or finding it difficult to move from fighting against your reality to working strategically within it, this book will give you a compassionate roadmap for that journey. It’s a deep exploration of how acceptance can become a source of strength rather than surrender.