🧪 The formula for dealing with a narcissist

My neighbour, who’s in her mid 60s, had a major operation recently, and today, I drove her to have her dressing changed. On the way, we got talking about the work I do.

“You know, my first husband was a narcissist,” she said. “Back then, I didn’t know about narcissists, but instinctively I knew that when I reacted to him, I was giving him the attention he craved.

I also knew that I was wasting my time and energy trying to get him to see my point of view because he was incapable of seeing anyone’s point of view except his own. It was as if no point of view that opposed his existed.

It was hard for me to change, so I thought, how much harder is it for him if it's hard for me? So I decided to focus my energy on making sure I had a happy life rather than on trying to get him to change.”

“Karine,” I said. “I’m super impressed. You didn’t even know what a narcissist was, but instinctively, you stumbled on the formula for dealing with one.”

There’s nothing complicated about the formula for dealing with narcissists. It’s simple, mainly because narcissists are simple. They all behave the same way for the same reasons.

🔑 They crave supply
🔑 They crave control
🔑 They are generally incapable of changing
🔑 If their narcissistic wound is triggered, they can’t empathize

Making the formula work for you

Knowing the formula is easy. The difficult part is internalizing this knowledge so that it becomes a baked-in feature of every interaction with the narcissist(s) in your life. The trigger for this is different for everyone.

For me, it was learning about the monkey dance that drained my ex of his power over me.

And that's what abusers do when they send bullying messages. They're like a monkey screaming, dancing around, flinging 💩 (that's projection, right there).

Once I had that image in my head, it stuck there, and the texts and emails stopped having the desired effect.

Instead, I'd think, "Throw him a banana".

For some people, it’s thinking of their ex as a toddler, or just realizing that a perceived loss of control is what causes their ex to send them threatening, abusive messages. They know it’s a sign that THEY are the ones with the power, not the other way around.

Shielding yourself from the narcissist’s drama is as individual as you are

For one of my clients, it’s visualizing an umbrella she can put up when a message from her ex pops up on her screen. For another, it’s imagining herself as a scientist analyzing her ex’s messages. For another, it’s putting on her superhero cloak.

More than 30 years ago, without knowing that her ex was a narcissist, my neighbour was able to take her power back from him. To me, she’s a true superhero.

I am in total admiration of her.

I am also very happy that we have access to resources and information that weren’t available then.

Feel free to share your own 'defence mechanisms' against narcissistic behaviour. What visualization, mantra, or action helps you maintain your power and peace?

Email your stories to me, and let’s continue this conversation. Your insights are invaluable because we can support each other on our journeys.

Want to know how I can help you?

Resources

You’ll want to listen to this recent Mel Robbins podcast episode, in which Mel talks to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, the leading expert on narcissists, about how to identify and heal from toxic people (click on the image for the link).

Remember, you're not just surviving; you're reclaiming your narrative and rewriting your story, one interaction at a time.

Stay strong, stay informed, and remember, sometimes the best response is none at all — or, perhaps, just imagining throwing that metaphorical banana.