🦚Your ex bets you'll do one of these two things (don't)

I was on my elliptical trainer, listening to a book about climate science (yes, I do have other interests besides writing this newsletter 🤣). I had to stop mid-sentence to make a quick note on my phone: “Good point for newsletter.” (Actually, maybe I don’t really have other interests after all…).

The authors were ripping apart two psychological traps: hopium and doomism. According to them, both of these prevent action. And both of them also guarantee failure.

I know these traps. You know these traps.

Because this is the exact hell protective parents live in every single day.

Two sides of the same coin

They’re two diametrically opposite beliefs. But they have the same result. You being frozen and powerless.

Hopium says someone else is coming to save you. The system will fix itself. Technology, elections, magic fairy dust—something will make it all better. You just have to wait.

Doomism says you’re screwed. Nothing matters. The ship’s already sunk. Fighting back is pointless. You might as well accept your fate.

Your brain treats these as opposites. They’re not. They’re identical twins.

Both of these are lies your trauma tells you to protect itself. They kill your ability to act. And they guarantee that your ex wins.

The family court version of this trap

You ping-pong between these two mental prisons:

Hopium looks like this: “The judge will see through his lies.” “The evaluator will figure it out.” “Child protection services will protect my kids.” “Perfect documentation equals justice.”

Wrong. You’re handing your power to a system that misses coercive control every minute of every day, all around the world. That’s not strategic. You’re just banking on a fairy godmother.

Then reality hits, and you fall all the way down, deep down, into the dark pit of doomism: “Courts always side with abusers.” “Protective parents never win.” “My kids are already lost.” “Nothing I do matters.” “The whole system's rigged.”

Maybe you think you’re being realistic when you say these things. Nope, because absolutist statements like these are just your trauma speaking. Words like always, never, nothing, whole, are your clues here.

Want to know the worst part? It doesn’t matter which trap you’re in. Both of them work against you and against your children’s interests and benefit your ex. Waiting for rescue? You’re not preparing your case. Given up completely? Your ex wins by default.

Either way, you're neutralized.

Why this pattern is so hard to break

Years of abuse rewire your brain. Not metaphorically. Literally.

You’ve been through institutional betrayal, where the people supposed to protect you didn't. Gaslighting on repeat. “You're overreacting.” “It's not that bad.” “You're the problem.” The hope-crush cycle. Over and over until you’re dizzy.

You get cynical, and think, I won't be fooled again. Doomism becomes a shield.

Unfortunately, this cynicism doesn’t just protect you from being hurt by the system. It also creates a self-inflicted cage.

That cage, from your abuser’s perspective, is the perfect place for you. Abusers need you paralyzed.

You staying stuck? That's their whole strategy.

I see this play out constantly

Mom documents everything. Goes to court. Judge buys her ex's performance.

She posts in a support group: “Why bother? They never believe us anyway.”

I get it. I’ve been there. But that response plays exactly into your ex’s hands.

Your ex loves it when you’re stuck in a state of blind faith or despair.

The missing middle: grounded hope

Climate advocates talk about “active hope.” Not a feeling. A practice. Showing up and working on the things you can control, even when the outcome’s uncertain.

For you, it looks like this:

Not hopium (the system will protect my child). Not doomism (the system will never protect my child). Grounded hope (the system's unjust. I'll use strategy, documentation, alliances, and advocacy to influence what I can).

This is where your power lives. Real power, not the fake kind that evaporates when reality hits (next week I’ll be writing about the different ways in which you ACTUALLY have power, so stay tuned for that!)

It's sustainable because it's rooted in truth, not fantasy or despair.

Practical ways to reclaim your agency

Micro-agency: Small wins matter Stop thinking I need full custody. Start thinking This week I’ll document three incidents. Or This week, I’ll do this one little thing to strengthen my bond with my kids.

Collective agency: You're not alone Join support groups. Find trauma-informed attorneys. Connect with other protective parents. But learn to filter out the doomism that is rife in many of these groups.

Narrative agency: Change your story Old story: I'm helpless against a narcissist and a broken system. New story: I’m learning to navigate an unjust system strategically. I’m building skills daily.

Strategic agency: Play the long game Even when it feels like nothing’s happening, strategic action wins over time, so pace yourself. Your ex wants you to be reactive, emotional, feeling powerless, and if you give in to your worst instincts, that’s what happens.

Grounded hope is your superpower

Maintaining grounded hope in the face of institutional betrayal is an act of resistance. When you document. When you learn. When you strategize. When you show up, exhausted, skeptical, but still putting one foot in front of the other in a strategic direction, you’re refusing to give your abuser what they want most. Your surrender.

This is not hopium. It’s the opposite of hopium because you’re not being naive. You’re staying courageous, and you’re keeping your eyes wide open.

There are two outcomes that will benefit your ex. You’ll believe the system will magically save you. (So, you won’t prepare properly or act strategically.) The second outcome is that you’ll give up entirely. (Your ex wins by default.)

You don’t have to give your ex either victory.

A final thought

Years of coaching protective parents has taught me that the ones who make progress aren’t the most optimistic. They’re not the most cynical either.

They’re the ones who can hold two truths at once: This system is deeply flawed and often fails protective parents. AND I can still take meaningful action to make my children safer.

That's uncomfortable territory. It means that you have to live in uncertainty. Acting without guarantees and being hopeful without illusions.

But it's the only place where your power lives. You can't access it from hopium. You can't reach it from doomism. Only from that narrow, difficult middle ground where reality meets resistance.

Want to know how I can help you?

It’s hard to straddle that middle ground of strategy when your natural inclination is to slide into unrealistic hope, or losing all hope and giving up. If this is something you struggle with, you’re welcome to book a 30-minute consultation, free of charge with me, and get some clarity as you talk through these challenges and the obstacles that keep you stuck in either of these spaces.

Want to know more about what I do?

Resources

I’ve mentioned before that I’m an avid reader of Tina Swithin’s Lemonade Wisdom newsletters. So, when her latest newsletter landed in my inbox and I opened it, I was delighted at how seamlessly it complemented the theme of this newsletter I was busy writing. Lenny the Lemon and Ava the Avocado are the symbols of that middle ground between hopium and doomism.

An Avocado and a Lemon Walked into Family Court…

Meet Lenny the Lemon and Ava the Avocado. Technically, yes, they are stuffed animals, but they have become the mascots of One Moms Battle. Soft, gentle reminders of hard earned truth.

You already know the lemon. “When life gives you lemons…” has been our rally cry for years.

But Ava the Avocado carries her own kind of wisdom.

A survivor once told me her therapist had said, “You don’t go into a hardware store looking for an avocado.” It sounds silly, but once you get it and truly see it, you cannot unsee it.

At the Lemonade Power Retreat this weekend, Lenny and Ava sat prominently at our group meetings. One attendee pulled me aside after I introduced them to the group and said, “So simple, but it clicked. Thank you.”

She was talking about Ava.

In the beginning of my own family court journey, I was looking for avocados in the hardware store.

I walked into family court expecting justice. I walked into my first custody evaluation expecting that my children would be protected. I believed that once I showed the evidence, the patterns, the threats, the truth, the evaluator would do their job. What I did not understand was that the bar is set so low that someone with a pulse is given five gold stars and a pass to parent, no matter how unsafe it may be for the children.

Over and over, I was looking for an avocado in a hardware store.

When that realization hit, it nearly broke me. I reflected on all the times I was spinning my wheels. I remember spending an hour defending why my toddler had mismatched socks. I reacted to every accusation and every email. I had not yet learned that this system does not deal in common sense or emotion. It is nothing but business transactions.

Once I stopped expecting the system to see things through my lens, I could finally study how it worked. I stopped pleading for someone to see me and I started learning what actually moves the needle. That shift from emotional reaction to strategic observation is where empowerment begins.

That is what Lenny and Ava represent for me.

Lenny reminds me to make something out of what I have been handed, to turn fury into fuel.

Ava reminds me to stop expecting people or systems to be something they are not capable of being.

And here is the truth: once you stop looking for avocados in hardware stores, you free up your energy to grow your own tree.

I saw a comment on social media this morning from someone who said, “If you do not have money, you are screwed. You cannot afford help.”

I get that and I have lived that. I acted as my own attorney because I had no choice, but that does not mean you are powerless. If you want to protect your children, you have to learn the system. You have to educate yourself. You have to be willing to see it through a different lens.

We cannot get caught on the endless spinning wheel of seeking truth, justice, and fairness. Do not make me bring a hamster stuffed animal into the story, because I will. I invite everyone to pursue those things once your children are safe. If your children are currently under the orders of family court, it is not worth the risk. In my experience, entering the system with guns blazing and demanding truth, justice, and fairness is a recipe for disaster. I know how that story ends.

The One Moms Battle Facebook page holds over a decade of collective wisdom, thousands of survivor lessons and strategies. Our YouTube channel has hours of content freely available (please subscribe if you have not already). There are countless advocates offering education and guidance through their platforms - follow them on social media and learn what they have to offer.

Study your local court system like your child’s safety depends on it, because it might. Learn the names and patterns of every player: judges, evaluators, attorneys, mediators. Pay attention to what matters to them and what does not. Observe what wins credibility in your courtroom and what undermines it. Strategy is not manipulation. Strategy is education. It is awareness. It is knowing your truth and taking the high road every single time.

Education is power.

Observation is power.

Strategy is survival.

So yes, the system is broken -- or it's working the way it was designed.  You can learn it. You can outthink it. You can protect your child. For every horror story I hear, I also hear success stories. They are out there.

That is the message Lenny and Ava will keep bringing, simple truths with serious strength.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

When you need an avocado, stop searching the hardware aisle. Buy a seed and plant your own. While you are at it, plant a few extra because none of us should be doing this alone.

A single seed can grow fruit, but a community garden can feed generations. That is what we are building here. Each of us learns something the others can use. Each of us carries a piece to the puzzle.

Together, we create the shade, the nourishment, and the safety that so many of us went searching for in all the wrong places.

Together, we grow what the system could never offer.

Together, we are stronger. 

With hope and solidarity,

Tina

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OMB Legal Disclaimer: We are not qualified to give legal advice, nor should this be considered legal advice. Please consult your attorney before you implement any new strategies or communication styles. Your attorney is your voice and advocate in (and out of) the courtroom.

If you want to get a regular dose of Tina’s wisdom in your newsletter in your own inbox, head over to her One Moms Battle website, scroll right down to the very bottom, and sign up for the newsletter. You won’t regret it.