My client was agitated as we started our call. A few seconds in, it was clear why she was so upset.

“My lawyer wants to get a custody evaluation,” she said, “and I’m terrified because all these evaluators ignore fathers’ abuse and just accuse protective mothers of parental alienation.”

Unfortunately, my client’s fear isn’t unjustified. In too many jurisdictions, custody evaluators who recognize abuse and don't take "parental alienation" allegations against protective parents at face value are rarer than hens' teeth.

There are numerous reasons why this happens:

The belief that moms who report abuse by their ex are alienators is also soaked into the fabric of the family court and child protection systems. In my part of the world (the Canadian province of Quebec), where the reunification therapy industry doesn’t have a strong foothold, child protection services are actually the main driver of alienation allegations against protective mothers.

In fact, it’s so bad that lawyers in my area (the same lawyers who are happy to order custody evaluations) counsel their clients against reporting abuse of their children, even sexual abuse, to the child protection services. If that’s not the sign of a broken system, I don’t know what is.

So, a mother can’t be blamed for her reluctance to subject herself and her children to one of these evaluations or to fall into the “child protection” web. It’s like her children are being held hostage by ruthless kidnappers for an impossible ransom. Add “hostage negotiator” to the long list of hats a protective mother has to wear.

But there is a silver lining. You’re not helpless in this situation. Because there are actual hostage negotiating skills you can deploy to break through that biased evaluator’s perceptions and maximise the chances of a fair outcome for your children.

I've been reading Chris Voss's book "Never Split the Difference." Voss was the FBI's lead international kidnapping negotiator, dealing with terrorists, bank robbers, and kidnappers. He knows something about high-stakes conversations where the power dynamic is completely unbalanced and the consequences of failure are unbearable.

Sound familiar?

Voss’ techniques can be game-changers if you’re a protective parent sucked into a system that’s stacked against you. Here's how to deploy these methods when you’re dealing with custody evaluators, GALs, or child protection workers:

Generally, evaluators expect protective mothers to be "high conflict" or "difficult." When you acknowledge their perspective without agreeing with it, you short-circuit their bias confirmation process.

Directly stating your concerns about abuse often triggers skepticism. Instead, you can use carefully calibrated "how" and "what" questions that guide the evaluator's thinking:

When you sense the evaluator making assumptions about you, name what you're seeing without accusation:

Before meeting with any evaluator, prepare yourself thoroughly, using these techniques:

List every negative accusation you fear the evaluator might make:

Practice calm, child-focused responses to each accusation. This mental preparation prevents defensive reactions that evaluators often misinterpret.

Instead of throwing every concern at the evaluator, organize your information to show clear patterns of behavior and their impact on your children. Use this formula:

This approach shifts from "he-said/she-said" to evidence-based concerns that evaluators find harder to dismiss.

How you communicate matters as much as what you say. Voss recommends using a calm, deliberate tone—what he calls the "late-night FM DJ voice." This projects reliability and emotional stability, which are crucial qualities that evaluators assess.

Practice discussing difficult topics without showing frustration or excessive emotion, even when you’re discussing upsetting events. This doesn't mean becoming robotic—appropriate concern is natural—but when you stay composed, you show that you're stable and you’re prioritizing your children's needs over conflict.

Voss uses this term for hidden information that changes everything once it’s revealed. For evaluators, these might include specific triggers that would shift their assessment.

Listen carefully to identify what factors matter most to your particular evaluator. Some are concerned primarily with school performance. Others focus on emotional adjustment. Once you identify their priorities, you can frame your legitimate concerns within these frameworks.

When you’re faced with concerning recommendations or assessment approaches, don’t be disheartened. Voss says that "no" is just the start of negotiation.

If an evaluator suggests something inappropriate (like unsupervised visits when safety is a concern), avoid directly confronting them. Instead:

I've worked with clients who have faced evaluations and child protection investigations. Through applying these strategies, many have achieved outcomes far more positive than they initially feared possible.

Here are some approaches my clients have successfully used when interacting with evaluators and child protection workers:

One of my clients had a profound insight after a successful interaction: "The big thing is to recognize you won't convince them. Stop trying to bring up the same point over and over and stop arguing with them—that's when they say 'talking in circles'—because they're not listening. Make your point, and if they don't take you seriously, try to say you intend to follow up on it later."

In multiple cases, this approach has worked remarkably well. Social workers and evaluators often respond positively when they can see that children are emotionally intelligent and able to express themselves clearly. External validation from therapists or teachers carries far more weight than parental claims alone.

By implementing these principles, clients have created completely different impressions from the "alienating parent" stereotype their exes were trying to pin on them. Rather than appearing defensive, bitter, or "high conflict," they came across as reasonable, child-focused, and committed to improvement.

One client told me after the meeting that these strategies made all the difference: "You gave me such great tips!" The greatest validation was how the evaluator responded to her approach of setting boundaries, compartmentalizing interactions, and establishing emotional distance from co-parenting challenges.

By using these hostage negotiation techniques, she turned what could have been a traumatic investigation into an opportunity to showcase her strengths as a protective parent.

Book a free 30-minute discovery call with me today

During this no-obligation session, you'll:

• Get more clarity about your specific challenges and options

• Understand how strategic communication can protect your children

• Leave with a clearer sense of direction and renewed confidence

Whether you're facing a biased custody evaluator, struggling with child protection services, or just trying to manage communication with a narcissistic ex, this call is your first step toward reclaiming your power.

Want to know more about what I do?

Ever wished you had a crystal ball to identify where your systems are breaking down before you suffer the consequences? I've created a powerful tool to help you gain a strategic advantage in your high-conflict case. My SWOT Analysis workbook guides you through identifying both your ex's and your own Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, and Threats.

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• Recognize and counter your ex's tactics

• Identify your own vulnerabilities before they can be exploited

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By analyzing both your ex's behaviors and your own position with this framework, you'll transform confusion into clarity and be better prepared for interactions with court professionals. Download this guide and transform your approach from reactive to strategic.

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As I was writing this newsletter, it just expanded and expanded, with more thoughts, ideas, and caveats coming into my head. I had to stop somewhere. So next week, I’ll be focusing on some of the strategies I wasn’t able to dedicate much space to here, like how to identify your hostile evaluator’s black swans.