🏔️ Icebergs ahead

If your experience was anything like the usual one, you weren't prepared for what happened when you left an abusive relationship or marriage.

Maybe you had idealistic hopes that your abusive partner would morph into a caring parent to your children once you were out of the picture. Or you knew this wouldn't happen, but you naively thought that the courts and all the experts involved would see that they weren't a safe parent for their children and automatically hand you custody.

The reality was way different, though, wasn't it? You were cast out into a vast, cold sea, with no lifeboats, no navigational tools, not even a compass. What's more, no-one ever taught you how to sail and you've had to learn it by trial and error.

Even worse, this sea is dotted with treacherous icebergs that threaten to sink your ship. The current is strong and unpredictable, and it pulls you into the path of one massive, unyielding iceberg after another.

So, what can you do?

You can't melt the icebergs.
You can't wish them away.
You can't ram your ship against them to break them down.
Your ship would sink on the first try.

So, what do you do? First of all, you lean into the power of embracing what is. This doesn’t mean you’re giving up or admitting defeat.

Far from it. It’s about seeing that iceberg and saying, “I see you. You’re part of my journey, but you’re not in control of my destination.”

Whatever your personal icebergs are – an ex who continues to perplex and disappoint you, social workers who seem congenitally incapable of recognizing domestic violence when it's beating them over the head with a frying pan, a court system that seems stacked against you, or family members who side with and enable your ex – accepting that you can't wish them away and you have no control over them is the first step to navigating your way to safe land with resilience and grace.

Acceptance is a powerful tool

It empowers you to focus on what you can control:

your responses,
your actions,
and your attitude towards healing and moving forward.

By charting a course based on
self-care,
empowerment,
and seeking supportive networks,

you can steer your ship away from the shadow of these icebergs, towards brighter horizons where peace, safety, and happiness are waiting for you and your children.

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I started reading this book a couple of weeks ago, on the recommendation of a friend, and it’s been an eye-opener for me. As victims of post-separation abuse, our confidence is shattered into tiny little pieces and it’s a huge job to rebuild it.

Reading this book has opened my eyes to how common confidence issues are. I’m loving the research-based techniques for building it up. It’s not about being arrogant, or thinking we’re better than we are (the very first example in the book highlights that well) but about developing and maintaining the confidence we need to manage what life throws in our way.

The author has worked mainly with the military and athletes, so most of his examples come from there, which some people might not enjoy. I promise you, it’s still worth it.

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I wish you all a wonderful week, and if you need any help steering clear of icebergs, feel free to reach out!