🦚 Confidence shattered by your narcissistic ex?

When you live with a coercive controller, your confidence doesn’t just take a hit. It gets shattered into tiny little shards that lie strewn across the ruin of what was once your sense of self.

This doesn’t happen overnight. Your abuser has chipped away, bit by bit, slowly eroding your self-worth and independence until you're left questioning your every move and thought. But you don’t live with your abuser any more. So now, you’ve got the painstaking task of gathering up each and every one of those shards, as you rebuild your self-confidence.

To say it’s hard is an understatement. You feel powerless. And you’re still dealing with an ex who knows how to pull all your strings and press all your buttons. A supremely confident ex, strutting around like they’re the ruler of everything they survey.

I want to let you into a secret:

That’s not confidence. That’s entitlement.

True confidence doesn’t need to boast or demean others. It doesn’t thrive on manipulation or control. What your ex parades around is the hollow facade of entitlement, not the genuine article of self-assuredness. Entitlement demands attention and power, to create the illusion of superiority.

The appearance of “confidence” that a narcissist gives off is really just a rickety house of cards that’s ready to tumble down at the slightest prick to their ego. That’s why people with a narcissistic personality style are constantly on the prowl for affirmation, prestige, and adoration to protect their fragile egos. They're not confident. Their so-called confidence is a magician's trick, all smoke and mirrors, hiding an insecure inner child who’s more terrified of exposure than a vampire fears daylight.

It’s the biggest con trick of them all. And they’re conning themselves more than anyone else.

Real confidence, the type that narcissists will never have, is like a well-tailored suit. It fits just right, feels comfortable, and doesn't need to boast about its own existence. True confidence comes from within and doesn't depend on others' opinions.

THAT’s the kind of confidence you’re completely capable of attaining. As you gather those shards and piece them back together, you’re not just rebuilding what was lost—you’re creating something stronger and more resilient. And that puts you in a much more powerful position than your narcissistic ex.

Samara, who writes about coercive control on her website and on Threads under the handle “Shadows of Control,” shares what helped her regain confidence after leaving a coercive controller:

Want to know how I can help you?

Taking back your power after a relationship with a coercive controller can feel daunting and uncertain. If you're piecing together your confidence and wondering what comes next, imagine having someone by your side who truly understands the impact of coercive control.

Picture yourself going from feeling totally overwhelmed to owning your power, with a guide who's been down this road before. Just as Samara found her strength through learning, journaling, setting small goals, and reaching out for support, you can also find a way to rebuild and renew your strength.

If you’re curious about what support could look like, book a free 30-minute discovery session with me. There’s no pressure to make any big decisions. Our call would be a chance to explore where you are now, talk about the challenges you’re facing, and see if there’s a path forward that feels right for you—one that’s tailored to your unique journey.

If you want to find out more about what I do…

Resources

When you’re rebuilding your life and confidence after a challenging relationship, it's essential to focus on both your past triumphs and your daily progress. By anchoring yourself in positive memories and recognizing everyday achievements, you create a foundation of resilience and self-assurance. Here are two powerful exercises from one of my favorite books, The Confident Mind (which is free on Kindle Unlimited) to help you.

Building Your Confidence Bank

Think of your mind as a bank account, where positive memories are your deposits. This exercise is all about recalling those standout moments in your life, times when you felt accomplished, proud, or strong. These could be early memories from your career, personal life, or any field where you’ve experienced success.

Here's how to get started:

🔍 Reflect
Take a moment to think back to the ten most uplifting and encouraging experiences you've had. These might include personal victories, significant achievements, or moments when you overcame a challenge.

✍️ Write them down
List these memories in detail. Describe what happened, how you felt, and why it was significant for you.

✨ Relive the positives
As you write, allow yourself to relive these positive experiences. Feel the confidence, joy, and strength from those moments.

By focusing on these positive deposits, you're reinforcing your mental "bank account" with confidence and resilience. This exercise is about more than just remembering past successes. You’re reminding yourself of your capabilities and setting a strong foundation for future growth. These memories can serve as powerful reminders of your strength and potential.

Your Daily E-S-P (Effort-Success-Progress)

In this exercise, you recognize and document your daily efforts, successes, and progress. By consistently reflecting on these aspects of your day, you can reinforce positive experiences and get a more constructive view of your daily achievements.

Here's how to practice your Daily E-S-P:

💪 Effort
At the end of each day, take a moment to think about where you've exerted effort. It could be anything from tackling a difficult task at work, making a healthy choice, or even just getting through a tough day.

🏆 Success
Identify moments of success, no matter how tiny they are. Did you handle a challenging situation with grace? Did you complete a goal you set for yourself? Success comes in many forms, and recognizing it is key.

📈 Progress
Reflect on areas where you've made progress. This might be in your personal growth, relationships, or any part of life where you're working towards change. Acknowledge even the smallest steps forward.

📝 Document
Write down your reflections in a journal or a note on your phone. This practice helps you track your growth and also builds a repository of positive reinforcement to draw from when you need a confidence boost.

By incorporating this daily practice into your routine, you're actively building a narrative of positivity and strength. Recognizing your efforts, successes, and progress each day can empower you to see your life through a lens of growth and resilience, helping you to move forward with confidence and purpose.