🦚 Silencing your inner critic

My client’s anxiety was off the charts. She’d played out every possible “what if” like a chess master anticipating her opponent's next move. She’d had to take her child to the emergency room for the second time that month, and now she was stuck in a mental loop over what would happen when she informed her ex. He might accuse her of Munchausen by proxy, claiming she was making their child sick for attention or control. And what if he took her to court and a judge took his side and handed over full custody to him and only gave her supervised visits?

Everyday decisions, high drama

This kind of overthinking is something I see my clients do frequently. In the high-stakes battle with their abusive exes, the mundane is often magnified into high melodrama. Victims stress themselves into a paralysis about what should be non-issues: things like one-time mix-ups in a child’s schedule, everyday parenting decisions that they’re entitled to make in their own parenting time, and self-care choices like seeing a therapist.

It’s not surprising, really. Leaving an abusive relationship doesn’t mean that the relationship has left you. You spent years living in a psychological funhouse with someone whose whole existence seems to be focused on keeping you off balance and in a state of chaos, surrounded by mirrors that distort reality. And now they’re doing the same thing through your kids. You can’t just shake off the trauma that causes, not to mention the unhelpful thinking patterns it engenders.

Navigating bias in family courts

Yes, there are family court judges with biases or outdated notions about family violence. Unfortunately, some judges do have preconceived notions about mothers or inadvertently perpetuate victim-blaming attitudes. These are worst-case situations.

It’s good to be aware of these worst cases. Awareness equips you with the tools to prepare and strategize effectively. It means ensuring your legal team is ready to present your case clearly and persuasively, focusing on evidence and the child’s best interests. It involves documenting everything meticulously, from interactions with your ex to any signs of bias you encounter in court.

Advocacy is also key. Connecting with support groups, legal aid organizations, and advocacy groups can provide additional resources and perspectives to help level the playing field. These communities often have insights into which judges might need a more strategic approach and can guide you on how to address potential biases head-on. They can also help advocate for victims of egregiously wrong judgments and raise awareness about them. This helps create a level of transparency that makes judges think twice about perpetuating outdated stereotypes or making biased decisions.

The real battlefield is the one in your mind

Coercive controllers are like expert gardeners, planting seeds of doubt and fear that linger long after the relationship ends. These internalized messages keep you behind enemy lines, stopping you from advancing into the life you deserve. It's like having a saboteur in your own mind, whispering all the reasons you can't move forward.

Identifying these internal enemies is crucial. Start by asking yourself, "What would I say to my friend if they were telling me these things?” "Is this thought serving me or keeping me stuck?" “What’s the outcome I want, and what powerful thought could serve me better?”

These reflective questions are your reconnaissance tools, helping you map out the terrain of your own mind and pinpoint what’s keeping you from finding peace and making progress.

So, it’s time to challenge those enemies. Transform your mind from a battlefield into a sanctuary. Set mental boundaries like you’d fortify a castle. Dedicate time to mindfulness practices. Journal your thoughts, use positive affirmations as shields against negativity, and turn the volume down on those persistent, critical voices. If you need outside affirmation, look for court cases in your area involving those situations, read how judges have ruled, and what arguments they accepted from lawyers representing victims of narcissists and didn’t accept from their accusers.

This is what my client, who was spiraling with her worries about Munchausen by proxy, did. She read up on court judgments where one of the parents was accused of this and she felt reassured when she saw that her situation would never meet the criteria for such an extreme accusation.

She learned that judges generally look for consistent patterns of behavior and substantial evidence, not just baseless accusations from an ex with an agenda. This knowledge became her armor, helping her see more clearly and feel more secure about her decisions.

Building your mental fortress doesn’t happen overnight, but each exercise reinforces your defenses:

✨ Visualize a safe space within your mind where you can retreat and find calm.

✨ Practice gratitude to shift focus away from the noise of doubt and fear.

✨ Celebrate each small victory, because progress in mental battles is like gaining ground, and every inch counts.

BTW, while a coach like me can help you with practical ways to deal with your fears in the here and now, we’re not therapists. If you find yourself frequently trapped in these cycles of anxiety and overthinking, I highly recommend also seeking counseling from a qualified therapist. They can help you get to the root of your anxieties, and enhance your mental and emotional resilience and healing.

Want to know how I can help you?

If you find yourself stuck in a loop of anxiety and overthinking, you don't have to stay stuck. As a certified divorce coach, I can help you develop practical strategies to face your challenges head-on and reclaim your peace of mind.

Book a free 30-minute discovery call with me today. Together, we'll explore your unique situation, identify your goals, and uncover the path toward a more empowered and balanced life. Don't let fear and doubt control your narrative any longer. Take the first step toward taking back your power.

If you want to find out more about what I do:

Resources

We all need good news sometimes, right? Today’s first resource is just that. Now go find some from your own jurisdiction.

Earlier this year, a Canadian appeals court reversed a lower court’s finding in a custody case, stating that the trial judge wrongly misinterpreted, diminished or summarily dismissed the evidence of family violence.

The second resource is an exercise from The Confident Mind.

Tackling those negative thought patterns head-on:

Ready to break out of the spiral of “what if” overthinking? It's time to face those nagging negative thoughts that are holding you hostage. Here's a no-nonsense, three-step process to wrestle them into submission:

1. Spot the saboteurs:

   First, call out those disempowering thoughts when they rear their ugly heads. They're often just the echoes of past criticisms or fears your abusive ex planted in your mind. Recognizing them is your first line of defense. "Ah, there it is again—X’s favorite putdown when they didn’t like how I was living my life."

2. Tell your inner critic to shut the f*ck up:

   Arm yourself with techniques to silence those pesky voices. Picture a bright red stop sign whenever doubts start creeping in, or snap a rubber band on your wrist to pull you out of the negativity. This is your way of saying, "Not today, buddy," and cutting off the spiral before it can drag you down with it.
   

3. Affirm your power:

   Now, drown out those doubts with some good old-fashioned affirmations. Remind yourself of your resilience, your journey, and your undeniable worth. Let these affirmations be the closing argument in your mental courtroom, ensuring that positivity has the final say.

By taking control over these internal criticisms and doubts, you’ll boost your confidence and clarity. This process empowers you to shift focus from fear to a future where you're the one writing the script.