Parenting amidst post-separation abuse? 🎵 Use music to connect with your kids.

🦕That purple dinosaur knew what he was doing...

Author

Rina Groeneveld
January 05, 2024

When my son was little, he loved watching the children’s TV show, Barney & Friends, featuring a lovable purple dinosaur. The show always ended with Barney and his dinosaur and human friends singing the Clean Up Song, as they tidied away.

Irritating as it was for adults, the song had a remarkable effect on children, and it’s probably no surprise that there’s a one-hour looped version of this song on YouTube as well.

The effect of this song was the first thing that came into my mind when I read marketing expert Robert Cialdini’s description of a study involving four-year-old children.

As part of a game, some of the kids walked around a circle with a partner while singing and keeping time in their movements with recorded music. Other kids did nearly the same but without the accompaniment of music. When later, the children had an opportunity for benevolence, those who had sung and walked together in time with music were over three times more likely to help their partner than were those who did not have a joint musical experience.

Robert Cialdini, Influence—The Psychology of Persuasion

So, you might ask. What’s this got to do with co-parenting with an abuser?

The study shows how music can bring people together, encouraging teamwork and kindness. This and other studies* show that moving synchronously with others in time to music evokes a feeling of compassion and altruistic behavior towards those people. Now, imagine applying that in the tough world of post-separation parenting, where you're dealing with an abusive ex.

Here's the deal: for the non-abusive parent, keeping a strong, positive bond with your kids is key, and it's tough when you're up against manipulation and conflict. That's where music comes in, kind of like the Barney Clean Up Song.

They’re not just tunes; music is a tool for unity. Music can be this incredible bridge between you and your kids, helping you stay connected and strong, even when your ex is trying to pull you apart.

Music is more than just melodies and lyrics. For kids stuck in the middle of a messy separation, it's a safe space to let out their emotions, no words needed. For the protective parent, it's a way to build a bond that's about feeling, not just talking. This connection is crucial. It's not just about staying close; it's about building a relationship with your kids that can stand up to the negative stuff coming from the other side.

Alright, let's get into the nitty-gritty of how you can use music to keep that vital connection with your kids, even when things get tough with your ex.

💃🏻🕺🏻Crank up some tunes and have a dance party in your living room. It doesn't matter if it's The Wiggles or The Beatles, as long as you're moving and grooving together. This isn't just fun; it's a way to let off steam and share some laughs.

🎤 Whether it's during a car ride or while doing chores, belt out songs together. It could be silly nursery rhymes or chart-toppers. Singing together is like saying, "Hey, we're in this together," without actually having to say it.
BTW, my kids LOVED Raffi’s Singable Songs for the Very Young. You can find the album here on Spotify:

🛌🏻 For younger kids, bedtime can be a mix of lullabies and gentle songs. This can be your special time to soothe and comfort them, showing that you're there, a steady presence in their lives.

🥁 Got some pots, pans, and wooden spoons? You've got a drum set. Make music together, banging in synchrony as you let your kid take the lead. It's not about being perfect; it's about creating something together, sharing a connection, and just having a blast.

P.S. If you think someone else you know could benefit from this newsletter, feel free to forward it onto them. They can subscribe here. You can also find out more about me here.

*Here’s a video abstract of one of these studies, just to show how powerful this effect is.