🦚 Feeling crushed by your divorce battle?

Gardening isn’t something that comes naturally to me.

In fact, you might say that I’ve got a bit of a black thumb. But there’s one plant that loves to grow for me, and that’s basil. I try to keep it growing the whole summer by plucking off the top part as soon as the flowers appear, and it rewards me with massive plants at the end of summer.

This year, I planted five basil plants I bought at the supermarket. Three of them died early on, but the other two were doing pretty well. And then, my Greek-Canadian partner’s amaranth plants started taking over, and the basil all but disappeared. Eventually, so did my motivation to keep it from going to seed.

I knew it was there. I could see its flowering heads reaching out beseechingly at me. So this week, before the nights started getting cold and the leaves all fell off, I went out to harvest it, trampling some of the gazillion amaranth plants to get to it.

And what a surprise. As I moved the amaranth plants out of the way and started cutting the base of the basil plants, I realized that one of the three “dead” plants had somehow revived and was thriving away in the middle of the amaranth jungle. And behind that one were the leafy fronds of a coriander plant I’d given up on after a rabbit chewed away at it earlier in the summer.

The good stuff is still there—you just have to clear the clutter to find it

Just like the basil I thought was dead and buried under a jungle of amaranth, sometimes the stuff we’ve written off as a lost cause isn’t as gone as we think.

In the middle of a high-conflict divorce or custody battle with a coercive controller, it can feel like you’re constantly trapped in the weeds, focusing on everything that’s going wrong.

But guess what? If you step back and clear out the clutter, you might find something good still hanging in there, quietly pushing through the mess. Which brings me to this study on the relative power of negativity.

When you’re going through a high-conflict divorce or custody battle with a narcissist, your brain is wired to focus on the worst-case scenarios. Every manipulative email, every setback in court, every time your ex tries to turn your kids against you. You relive them over and over until it feels like that’s all there is. You’re stuck in a loop of what’s wrong instead of what’s right. That’s the negativity bias at work, and it can keep you paralyzed.

It’s not about slapping on a fake smile

First, let me say that I’m not heading into toxic positivity territory here. That’s firmly off limits to me!

Your trauma is real, positive thoughts are not going to make everything better, looking on the bright side isn’t going to change the course of your custody battle, asking the universe for a miracle won’t manifest one, and pretending everything is fine won’t magically make the abuse stop or the legal system work in your favor.

Being so paralyzed by all the negatives dragging you down isn’t going to help either. Anyone who’s watched the Netflix series Maid knows the haunting scene where Alex realizes she’s back under her boyfriend’s control.

That moment, where Alex sinks into the couch, defeated, is exactly what happens when you let the negativity bias take over—you stop fighting, stop moving, and let the weight of everything pin you down.

And that’s exactly what your abuser wants: for you to feel powerless. But here’s what the study shows—and what you need to remember. The power of positive intensity isn’t about slapping on a fake smile. It’s about amplifying the real wins, however small, and using them to push back against the tidal wave of negativity.

You might be staring down a brutal custody battle, sleepless nights, and a constant barrage of insults, but somewhere in that mess, you’ve got your own version of basil pushing through. Maybe it’s setting a boundary, maybe it’s showing up for your kids, or maybe it’s just getting through the day without letting the negativity swallow you whole.

Find those wins, amplify them, and lean into them hard.

Celebrate every little win like a game-changer because it is one

✨ Create small wins and amplify them

Start by finding any small victory in your situation. Did you acknowledge a difficult feeling instead of pushing it away? Show up strong for your kids even though you felt like a total weakling? Manage to get out of bed, even though it felt impossible? These are wins, even if they don’t feel huge right now. Write them down. Literally, make a list.

The study shows that positive intensification works, so take these small wins and celebrate them in your mind like they’re huge. It’s not just "I managed today". It’s “I stood my ground and kept moving.” Own it, amplify it, and let it build your confidence over time.

✨ Flip the language in your head

The way you talk to yourself matters. You’re already getting hammered by negative language from your ex, but you’ve got to stop adding to it with your own thoughts. Catch yourself when you’re spiraling into negative thinking—“I can’t win,” “I’m a mess”—and replace it with something stronger and positive.

Instead of saying, “This is never going to end,” say “I’m making progress every day, and I’m stronger than this situation.” It might feel awkward at first, but language matters. The study proves that positive language, when it’s turned up, has a bigger impact.

✨ Practice gratitude with intensity

Gratitude is more than a buzzword. It really does work. But you need to do it with intensity and sincerity to really counterbalance the negativity bias. Take a few minutes each day to write down a few things you’re grateful for, and then amplify them.

Don’t just say, “I’m thankful for my kids.” Say, “I’m grateful for the way my kids love me, and the bond we have that no one can break.” The more power you give those positive moments, the more they’ll stick and outweigh the negative.

The truth is that negativity hits hard. But when you turn up the volume on the positive, when you give your wins the same intensity as the bad stuff, you start shifting the balance.

You’re not just stuck in that loop anymore. You’re taking control of the narrative, pulling yourself out of the weeds, and finding a way forward.

Want to know how I can help you?

Ready to take the next step and find a way through the chaos?

Let’s work together to amplify those small wins and shift the balance, develop strategies, enhance your communication with your ex, improve how you work with your lawyer or other professionals in your case, or all of the above. Book a free 30-minute discovery session with me, and we’ll explore how I can help you take back control, one step at a time. Click this link to schedule your session—I’m looking forward to talking with you!

And if you want to find out more about me and what I do, then click on the button below.

Resources

This book, written by Dr. Christine Cocchiola and Amy Polacko, with the foreword by Dr. Ramani Durvasula, has just dropped. I pre-ordered it on Amazon and it’s going to be my reading material this weekend (good thing I already made all the pesto!) Both the authors are survivors of coercive control and post-separation abuse themselves, as well as experts in the field.

In her foreword, Dr. Ramani says:

In fact, the book starts with a trigger warning, and many—if not all—of the stories are undoubtedly triggering. But I’m 100% certain that the guidance you’ll get from this book is worth it. Every single one of us who succeeds in our court battles and our emotional battles against our coercively controlling ex is standing on the shoulders of women like this who are brave enough to tell their stories.