🦚 Battling your narcissist ex? Don't miss this step

So, you left your abusive partner. Maybe you were clear-eyed and prepared for what was coming: a battle against an opponent who plays dirty, pulling every trick in the book to keep you off balance. Or maybe you thought everything would get better, that your ex would morph into a caring parent, and stop their abuse?

Either way, you may be out of the frying pan, but you’re deep in the flames of a fire that’s not going to go out for a very long time.

Because, as Tina Swithin puts it, divorcing a narcissist isn’t a sprint—it’s an ultra-marathon. And you’re just in the starting blocks.

And just like an ultra-marathon runner, you need to adapt, strengthen, and listen to what your mind and body are telling you. You’ll have to adjust to the demands and your reserves, sometimes slowing down to conserve energy, other times pushing through challenges to build endurance, and sometimes even stepping off the road for a bit to recover from a setback.

Meanwhile, your narcissist ex is focused solely on their own needs, often ignoring the signals that a healthy person would take note of.

And herein lies your biggest advantage against your ex. With each step forward, you can improve your awareness, your resilience, and your adaptability. You can do something the rigid, unreflective narcissist can’t.

You can fight your yesterday self

It sounds paradoxical for me to say, “Fight your yesterday self first, not your ex.” After all, your ex is the reason you’re in this situation. But your ex isn’t the one who’s going to get you out of it. And staying the same person your ex controlled is going to keep you there.

While your ex is the catalyst for the turmoil, it's your commitment to personal growth that will see you through to the finish line. Unlike a narcissist, who stays trapped in a cycle of self-absorption and denial, you have the power to evolve. Confronting and understanding your past decisions, embracing your vulnerabilities, and using them as stepping stones for growth is what will set you free.

Your ex is attacking the person you used to be. They need you to stay that way to keep their power over you. And as long as you do stay that way, you’ll be their puppet, constantly dancing as they pull your strings. But cutting those strings isn’t as easy as pulling out your scissors and going “Snip, snip, snip”.

Breaking free means understanding the patterns that kept you entangled, owning up to your soft spots, and most importantly, realizing that this journey of personal growth is ongoing. By turning the spotlight inward, you're grabbing back the reins back from the coercive controller.

Each day, you have the opportunity to redefine who you are, to step away from the person your ex needed you to be to maintain their control.

What fighting your “yesterday you” looks like

My business coach, Jenae Spry says that self-reflection is your best tool. Deploy that tool consistently. Carve out time to dive deep. Acknowledge your past choices, forgive yourself, learn from them, and consider journaling to map out your journey. Regret and self-recrimination will keep you stuck.

🏆 Celebrate your small wins. Every inch of personal growth is a trophy. Keep a list of these, so you can go back to them when you need to shore yourself up.

🧚🏻‍♀️ Find a trauma-aware, narcissist-aware therapist. One who isn’t can really set you back. You need someone who helps build you up, not someone who’s blind to what you’re going through.

✨ Reconnect with yourself. Find out (or rediscover) what lights you up. Why does this matter? Because every moment you spend nurturing your interests is a step away from the chaos your ex created in your life. It’s also a step towards a future where you’re in control of your life. You’re rebuilding the foundation of who you are outside their shadow.

👩🏻‍🔬 Treat this as an experiment. Nothing is set in stone. Unlike a rigid, inflexible coercive controller, you can shift gears and try new approaches when you see something isn’t working for you. And as you connect with yourself, with your own values, your own needs, and your own energy shifts, your priorities will come into focus. With each adjustment, you're moving closer to a life that's truly yours, shaped by your passions, your values, and the freedom to be authentically you.

🤔 The paradox here is that you need to do this without a focus on your ex. It has to be totally on you, with self-reflection as the key. Every little bit of progress you make takes you further away from being the person your ex controlled. And one day, you’ll be unrecognizable. And they won’t realize it. They’ll keep pulling the same tired tricks out of the same old bag, totally unaware that you’re someone else now, and you don’t fall for those tricks any more.

Want to know how I can help you?

Ready to reclaim your power and chart a new course for your life beyond the chaos? Book a 30-minute discovery call with me. We'll explore how I can help you break free from past constraints, tackle your “yesterday self,” and build a future defined by resilience and self-awareness. Let's work together to turn your challenges into stepping stones towards the empowered life you deserve.

And if you want to find out more about me…

Resources

Here are two exercises from the book The Confident Mind by Nate Zinsser to help you find your way to your new self.

Making the self-fulfilling prophecy work for you

This exercise involves crafting "mental deposit slips"—affirmations that focus on the skills and qualities you aim to cultivate, and the outcomes you want to achieve. Use positive, present-tense language to help steer your mindset and behavior toward these goals. For instance, affirmations like "I am becoming more resilient each day" or "I navigate challenges with strength and clarity" can help guide your actions and thoughts. By focusing on what you want to increase, rather than what you want to avoid, you’re setting the stage for personal growth and empowerment.

Writing out your mental deposit slips

Take it a step further by actively engaging in writing these affirmations. This exercise encourages you to detail positive affirmations that align with your daily practices, behaviors, and mindset changes necessary for reaching your goals. Write affirmations that reinforce the positive attributes you want to develop, such as "I practice self-care daily to nurture my well-being" or "I set healthy boundaries to protect my peace." This process not only helps solidify your intentions but also serves as a tangible reminder of the improvements and strengths you’re building.

By incorporating these exercises into your routine, you’re not just dreaming about change. You’re actively creating it. Each affirmation you write and internalize strengthens your resolve and propels you toward a future where your ex’s influence diminishes and your own empowered self takes center stage.

You can make this a fun activity by buying a beautiful journal or notebook (you can get them pretty cheaply at dollar stores) and keeping a daily journal that includes your affirmations.

And that’s not all, folks…

because I’m giving out resources like candy on Halloween today. I happened to listen to this episode of the Mel Robbins Podcast this week, and I had to share it because it drives home the message of this week’s newsletter in a way only Mel can.

Mel challenges us to confront these self-imposed limitations and offers practical insights on how to rewrite our narrative. Bringing together insights from experts she’s interviewed before, she emphasizes the importance of positive affirmations and small, consistent actions that can help keep you moving forward on your journey of self-discovery and growth.

You'll learn how to turn your thoughts into powerful tools for change, much like the exercises we've discussed in this newsletter. And if you want to note anything down from this podcast, you can find the transcript here.

By the way:

I’m not into toxic positivity, and I was never a fan of the idea of manifestation, as exemplified in “The Secret”. It’s too simplistic. It doesn’t help that the person in my life who was the biggest fan of this book was also one of the most miserable people I knew. For her, it was all about the universe handing her a parking space when she got to her destination. I’m speaking literally here but you can also read that in a figurative sense. She moved from place to place trying to escape the problems of her life, not realizing that she was just carrying those same problems to a new place.

I’m also not a fan of giving over all your power to abusive people, abusive systems (yes, family court, I’m looking at you), and unfair situations when they’ve already taken so much from you. What I’m talking about isn’t the illusory “magic” of manifestation. It involves hard work, consistent reflection, and the gritty reality of facing your demons head-on.

The real magic happens when you confront uncomfortable truths in a spirit of self-awareness. It’s not about what the universe owes you, it’s what you owe yourself. You have the power to redefine your life, one deliberate, intentional, and, yes, often uncomfortable and arduous step at a time.