🦚 Crushed by family court?

One of my new clients, who recently had her first—bitter, eye-opening—experience of family court, asked me “How is this society so blind to children’s wellbeing and attachment? How is it even possible that EVERYONE closes their eyes?”

She’s only at the start of her battle, and already she feels devastated and discouraged.

We’ve all been there. That moment when we realize that family court isn’t there to protect our children from an abusive parent, but sees our abusers and us as equal partners in a conflict that we didn’t create, and just leaves us feeling unheard, and robbed of our voice. No wonder so many victims of post-separation abuse—and of family court—feel overwhelmed and powerless a lot of the time.

Family courts, with their focus on procedural frameworks, their frequent anti-mother bias, and their lack of understanding of abuse dynamics and attachment needs, are a perpetual, seemingly insoluble problem. Day in and day out, my social media feeds are flooded with the pain and despair of the victims of family courts in the USA, the UK, Australia, Canada, South Africa, Ireland, and too many other countries.

I’ve seen some improvements in family court systems since I walked out of my own marriage 12 years ago, but I’ve also seen some steps backwards, like how the alienation industry is getting its tentacles into every nook and cranny of the family court. You can’t find a single evaluator in my corner of Canada who doesn’t tout themselves as an expert in parental alienation.

I didn’t mean for this to become a rant about the family courts. God knows there are plenty of those online, and venting may be cathartic, but it doesn’t solve anything. So, before I move onto the ACTUAL subject of this newsletter, here’s my 2 cents on where I think advocacy should go.

First of all, courts should become more transparent. Numerous jurisdictions have a publication ban on the names of the parties to protect the children, and I can understand the reasons for that. But secrecy doesn’t serve anyone except people who want to hide their biases or errors behind closed doors. More scrutiny and public insight into court proceedings will lead to better accountability.

Secondly, a petition was recently submitted to the Canadian parliament, asking it to prohibit “parental alienation” accusations. I don’t agree with this petition. Now, before you think I’m a supporter of parental alienation, hear me out.

My issue with this is that if it is successful and parental alienation accusations are disallowed, abusers will just come up with some other term, and all the experts on parental alienation will pivot to becoming experts in this term. We’re seeing it happen already. One friend of mine’s ex is constantly accusing her of not co-parenting (i.e. not asking “how high” when he says “jump”).

I think that ALL terms should be disallowed when people petition courts in family cases. Yes, I’m even talking about “sexual abuse”, “coercive control”, and “narcissistic abuse”. Because abusers use these terms too. They should be replaced just by descriptions of behavior.

This would mean parties have to provide clear, factual narratives of actions and events, rather than relying on potentially manipulative labels that can be twisted to serve an abuser’s agenda. It would allow judges to get a clearer understanding of the dynamics involved, eliminate their biases for and against certain terms, and generate decisions that hopefully reflect the best interests of the children involved. And this is where my advocacy efforts are going.

As it is, I encourage my clients to find other ways of expressing what’s happening in their case rather than resorting to labels. Using terms like these often has the opposite effect it's meant to have on judges and experts in your case. They get jaded, it clouds their judgment, and they stop listening because it immediately makes them skeptical when they hear an abuse victim use these terms. It triggers their biases.

What does this have to do with self-care?

But this newsletter is about YOU and what you can do right now to make life better for you and your children in YOUR particular situation. I’m listening to the book “Beyond Self-Care Potato Chips: Choosing Nourishing Self-Care in a Quick-Fix Culture” by Amber Wardell, where she discusses “the nourishing self-care of fixing a problem instead of wallowing in it” and talks about solvable problems versus perpetual problems.

Family court is a perpetual problem. The fact that just about every country has the same issue is proof of this. It would take an actual fairy godmother with a real wand, or a miracle, to change the family court system overnight, aka it’s not going to happen.

So, it’s time for some self-care. And no, I’m not talking about sinking yourself into a bubble bath or downing a glass of the best red wine there is (or, in my case, binge-watching a Netflix sci-fi series).

Self-care here means focusing on what you can control, the solvable problems, and then channeling your inner MacGyver to think outside the box. If your particular problem feels perpetual rather than unsolvable, get even more granular until you find one teeny, tiny thing you can solve. And then move onto the next teeny, tiny thing.

Wardell gives a shoutout to John Gottmann, a renowned relationship guru. The Gottman Method focuses on building emotional intelligence. This is the crucial part.

Because that teeny, tiny problem you solve, and maybe the next one, and even the next one, might be an internal roadblock that’s holding you back. Some of the problems we need to solve involve patterns, beliefs, or reactions that don’t serve us any more.

Wardell describes how solving a solvable problem boosts her self-esteem and her self-efficacy. By focusing on personal growth and understanding, you lay the groundwork for a healthier, happier life for you and your children.

This is self-care on steroids. You’re transforming from the inside out, creating a rock-solid foundation that’s ready to take on whatever life throws your way. Beats a bubble bath any day!

Want to know how I can help you?

Navigating the challenges of family court can feel overwhelming, but you don't have to do it alone. As a certified divorce coach, I'm here to support you in finding clarity and building a healthier future for you and your children.

If you're interested in exploring how we can work together to address your unique situation, head on over to my Calendly page and book a free 30-minute discovery session. It's an opportunity to discuss your needs and see how I can help you move forward with strength and confidence. Click the button below to start the conversation whenever you're ready.

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If you’re tired of toxic self-care culture, then you’ll find this book a refreshing new look at the difference between superficial feel-good band-aids and self-care that actually does something for you.

I want to give a trigger warning, though. The first part of this book addresses relationship issues. The author left her husband and then reunited with him. Post-separation abuse victims, especially ones who have left and returned to their abusive partners at least once, might find her description of how they healed their relationship a bit hard to listen to. Feel free to skip over this if you can’t handle it.

The section on friendships is incredibly useful to abuse victims because she talks about dealing with toxic friendships and how you can internalize your own worthiness no matter what 💩 toxic people are projecting onto you. And there’s so much more, as well. This book is a veritable banquet of tools, strategies, and enlightening truths presented in an engaging format, replete with relatable anecdotes.

I already gave you a taste of one tiny aspect of the book above, and there’s plenty more to truly enrich your life in it. Forty chapters, each one addressing a different aspect of how nourishing self-care plays out in our lives, from relationships through friendships, careers, mental health, communication, and more. And if you're an audiobook fan, you're in for a treat. Amber Wardell's voice (yes, she narrates the book herself) is so soothing and warm, she feels like your personal meditation guide.