🦚 Creating a safe haven

“Daddy asked me how I can love you when you destroyed our family.”

Those words stunned me. It was just a few months after I’d left my husband and it was clear to me that he wouldn’t play fair. He’d already subjected me to a humongous smear campaign, financial abuse, threats that I’d end up on my mother’s doorstep in Ireland, and more. But now he was going after the thing that mattered most to me—my relationship with our children.

I’d left my marriage after years and years of abuse, but I’d naively thought that this would be the end. He’d accept the situation and move on, and he would be the best father he could be to our kids. I was totally unaware that the abuse continues after separation in as many as 90% of cases and that my kids and I would get sucked into that statistic. All the positive parenting skills I’d worked to engender in my ex evaporated almost instantly—once he realized, after about two weeks, that this time (I’d walked out on him twice before)—I was gone for good. He went into all-out-war mode and our children were the cannon fodder.

I’d seen people trash-talking their exes in front of their children before, at a time when divorce was in the realm of “impossible” for me. Now I was in the firing line myself. It’s like the difference between visiting your first friend who has a child right after the birth and then, when you have your own first child a few years later, understanding how difficult it was for them and how unhelpful you were.

I wished now that I’d taken people like this aside and told them, “I know your ex betrayed you, but it’s your child’s other parent you’re talking about, and when you call them names in front of your child, it’s hurtful and confusing for them. It undermines their sense of security and identity. They love both of you and hearing one parent disparage the other feels like a tug-of-war on their loyalties and emotions."

When it came to my own children, I knew I had to step very cautiously. I couldn’t let them be collateral in this war. So, I made it my mission to protect them from the emotional manipulation and turmoil that their father was throwing up around them. Here are some of the things I did:

First, I focused on making our home a haven. A place where my children could express their feelings, share their worries, and receive unconditional love. I wanted them to know that no matter what, they were safe with me.

I worked on my children’s emotional intelligence. I taught them to identify and articulate their emotions. We talked about what feelings are and how they affect us. This helped them understand that it’s okay to feel a range of emotions and to share them without fear of judgment.

I fostered my children’s independent thinking. I encouraged them to ask questions and think critically about what they heard. I used situations they encountered in school, heard about from the media, or saw on shows to open discussions about values like respect and honesty. This helped them to recognize manipulative tactics and understand the difference between loving guidance and control.

I did my best to speak about their father neutrally, even when it was difficult. I took them shopping for birthday presents for him when they were smaller (even though this made me want to vomit the first time I did it). As they got older, I reminded them about his birthday and gave them money to buy little gifts for him. I tried not to badmouth him, and I wasn’t perfect, but I was mostly successful.

When my eldest, who was 18, was persuaded by his father to go live with him full time, back in the family home which I’d left, I put a smile on my face, even though my heart was breaking and I felt like I’d been stabbed in the back. I stayed in touch with him, took him out, supported him at his activities, and gave him lifts or let him use my car if he needed to. A few months later, broken down by his father’s coercive control, he moved back in with me.

When I could, I got help from child psychologists and counselors to provide additional support. This professional guidance was invaluable in helping my children process their feelings and experiences.

As I mentioned above, I can’t say I was perfect. There’s a lot I didn’t do that I wish I’d done but, as my therapist keeps reminding me, I was in an incredibly difficult place with very few resources, and I need to be kind to that version of me. But maybe the mistakes I made can be helpful to other people in that situation now, so here goes:

I could have been better about routines and consistency with my children. I always struggled with routines and with setting boundaries, and things were too free and easy. After I left my husband, it took me years to realize that one of my issues with routines was rebellion against the constant control I’d been subjected to in all areas of my life since I was very small, up to the moment I walked out of my marriage. Unfortunately, those years were also full of lost opportunities to implement consistent routines that provided a stronger sense of normalcy and more security.

If I had to redo things with the hindsight I have now, I’d have paid more attention to creating routines, starting with one tiny, doable step, and to setting boundaries for my children firmly and unemotionally (that last suggestion came from one of my kids, who seems to be way, way wiser than I was at their age).

When my child said “Daddy asked me how I can love you when you destroyed our family”, I responded with something along the lines of “Well, Daddy feels really angry at me, so he says these things.” Knowing what I do now, I wouldn’t even have said that. I would have just used open-ended questions. Why do you think your dad is saying that? How does it make you feel?

By encouraging them to explore their own thoughts and emotions, I could have helped them process the situation better. An approach like this validates their feelings and also fosters critical thinking and emotional resilience. It’s a lesson I wish I’d learned earlier, and one worth sharing, as it reinforces the importance of listening over explaining, and guiding over directing.

Another thing I would have done is to recognize my unhealed wounds around men in general and to focus on healing myself instead of looking for validation by getting involved with men. I feel very lucky that I met the man I’m still with today about a year after leaving my ex and that he was a decent person but I was way too self-absorbed in those early months to pay my children the attention they needed.

And if there's one thing I've learned, it's that our kids need us fully present, not just physically, but emotionally. I regret the times when I was too caught up in my own stuff to notice subtle shifts in my children's needs and feelings.

Through all these reflections, I remind myself and anyone reading this: it's okay to not have it all figured out. Life after leaving an abusive relationship isn’t about achieving perfection; it's about making progress, slow as it may seem. We’re all on this journey together, learning as we go, and that's perfectly okay.

So, to anyone standing in the shoes I once wore, I want you to know this: your experiences, your struggles, and yes, even your mistakes, can be stepping stones to a brighter future for you and your children. Keep moving forward, one day at a time, with compassion for yourself and courage for the journey ahead. You can turn your trials into triumphs and reclaim your power, one step at a time.

My kids are all adults now, and they’re all in different places on their own journeys. They’ve moved out, moved back in again, lived overseas, had fallings out and fights but this Christmas, as they were all playing a game together in my living room, my heart was filled with the joy of knowing that we still have a strong bond.

Want to know how I can help you?

If any part of my story resonates with you and you're facing the challenges of post-separation life, I'm here for you! As a high-conflict divorce coach, I've been through it myself and I'm ready to help you find clarity, build resilience, and reclaim your power. Whether you're dealing with the emotional fallout, trying to maintain a healthy relationship with your children, or looking for strategies to handle the ups and downs, feel free to reach out.

You can find clarity, build resilience, and reclaim your power. Click the link to book a free 30-minute discovery session with me, your first step toward a brighter future. During this session, we'll explore your unique situation, discuss your goals, and identify how I can support you on this journey.

And if you want to find out more about me…

Resources

In a recent newsletter, Tina Swithin described an exercise that her therapist once had her do.

Tina did this exercise before every court date, envisioning what she wanted out of it. It became her lifeline, and something to focus on.

This isn’t just the start of a new year, it’s the start of the rest of your life. You don’t know what’s going to happen, but if you have a destination in mind, you’re better equipped to find your way through the chaos.

If you’re struggling with how to do this or likely to procrastinate, check out this short video on creating your Utopia I made just over a year ago, for a webinar I held.

While you can't control every twist and turn, you can always hold onto your vision of peace and happiness. Embrace it, nurture it, and let it guide you. Remember, you have the strength to turn your dreams into reality, one day at a time. So, let this be your year of transformation and triumph.