🤐 Shut down your ex's false accusations

You don't have to put up with false accusations from your ex.

If you’ve got a narcissistic ex, you know what I mean.

Mind-bending emails accusing you of things you've never done. Or text messages accusing your family members of things that never happened.

Sometimes, it’s an allegation about a family member or friend of yours that your ex dislikes. Often, it's just plain old projection, especially if your ex has a narcissistic personality style. The saying about three fingers pointing back absolutely applies here.

So, how do you react to false accusations?

DO you even react to them?

The answer is: think like a judge reading these accusations.

If they defy belief (I know someone whose ex accused him, anyone who didn't buy her story, and even celebrities, of exerting mind control on her), a judge isn't going to give them the time of day.

If they're totally petty, like an accusation that you didn't return a book or a piece of clothing, a judge would likely find them trivial and not worth the court's time.

If they're more serious allegations, then it can look bad if you don't respond to them.

By respond, I don't mean explain.

When you start explaining yourself to your ex in response to their lies, you're sending them the message that their delusions are valid.

You're also inviting them to draw you into a prolonged, exhausting discussion that you can't win through reason alone. And you're giving them the supply they crave from you.

Here are some responses that set a strong boundary and refute the accusation effectively without doing this:

🔥 "Your concern is noted. [One liner stating the truth]."

🔥 "Your attempts to falsely accuse me are duly noted"

🔥 "Your attempts to cast me in a negative light are noted. That never happened."

🔥 "Your attempt to falsely reverse blame is noted."

 🔥 I'm trying to get clarity. Can you please tell me ....? (You can use this if you want to give your ex more rope to hang themselves with.)

If your ex continues their tirade because you called out their bad behaviors in your response, you can disengage by stating:

⛔ "I'm not interested in this type of discussion."

⛔ "I'm not doing this." (My personal favorite)

⛔ "I'm available for respectful and collaborative co-parenting discussions when you're ready."

⛔ "I'm not here to go over old ground"

⛔ “We’ve covered this already.”

What have you found most effective for shutting down a toxic ex's false accusations? Reply to this email to let me know.

Also, if you’ve got a success story in taking back your power—any small victory in dealing with your ex—it needs to be celebrated. And we can celebrate it here. Send me your success story and I’ll publish it in a future newsletter (anonymized, of course).

Want to know how I can help you?

Are you struggling to implement Yellow Rock consistently? Then contact me and let’s talk about how I can help you.

Resources

If I had to read just one book on dealing with a narcissistic ex, it would be Tina Swithin’s book The Narc Decoder. I’ve read it several times over because it helped me reduce my own anxiety about my ex’s messages. Not only is it fabulously hilarious, it also contains practical advice on profiling and communicating with a narcissist ex.

But it gets better, because Tina is busy writing a second volume of the Narc Decoder, and you can submit your own 🦇💩 messages from your ex.

In her newsletter Lemonade Wisdom (reply to this email if you want to subscribe and I’ll forward her newsletter onto you), Tina says this:

P.S.

Have you ever wished you had a virtual assistant who could decipher and respond to your ex’s annoying, meandering, and downright triggering messages? Well, I’m busy creating something just like that for you. It’s a set of custom prompts for ChatGPT and Microsoft Copilot to respond to your ex, tailored just to your situation and in perfect Yellow Rockese. It’s with my graphic designer right now, so fingers crossed, it will be ready in a couple of weeks. As soon as it is, I’ll include a download link in my newsletter for all you lovely readers.