🦚I survived the worst kind of smear campaign from my ex

Just over a month after I left my abusive ex-husband, I woke up to discover that my personal and professional life was under attack.

A family member of his had written a 4,000-word character assassination letter, filled with false accusations, twisted truths, and intimate details about our marriage, and sent it to every single person in my email contacts.

My colleagues. My managers. My friends. Everyone. I realized it when some of them responded angrily to the sender and told me about it.

But here's what made it even more devastating: my ex had hacked into my email account to get those contacts. So, not only was I being publicly humiliated, but I lost access to an email address I’d had for years, along with all these contacts.

I was devastated. I never envisaged that someone I’d trusted so deeply (I’d been very close to this family member of my ex) would turn on me like that.

The anatomy of a smear campaign

Looking back now, I can see exactly what was happening. My ex’s attempt to save face, combined with a need to assert control. It was a calculated smear campaign designed to:

Isolate me professionally - Make my workplace toxic so I couldn't build financial independence.

Destroy my credibility - Plant seeds of doubt about my character with everyone who knew me.

Force me back - Make life outside the marriage so unbearable that returning seemed like the only option (I know—REALLY???!!!!)

Recruit flying monkeys - Turn mutual contacts into weapons against me.

The letter accused me of stealing money (false), implied that my ex wasn’t our kids’ father (false), and said that I was a terrible parent (also false). But mixed in with these lies were just enough real details about our relationship to make it all seem believable.

This is what’s so insidious about smear campaigns. They're not entirely fabricated. They take real situations, twist them beyond recognition, and weaponize your vulnerabilities against you.

Why they attack when you're most vulnerable

The timing wasn't coincidental. One month after leaving is when:

• You're still emotionally raw and questioning your decisions.

• You haven't fully established your new support systems yet.

• You're trying to rebuild professionally and can't afford reputation damage.

• You're most likely to be triggered back into reactive behavior.

It's psychological warfare, pure and simple. They know exactly when to strike for maximum damage.

It also timed with a big payment that my ex was obliged to make to me because he’d emptied out our joint bank account after I left. Moments like that often trigger smear campaigns as well.

The long game of character assassination

Here's what I didn't understand then: this type of attack has long-term consequences that go far beyond the initial humiliation.

For years afterwards, I wondered who had seen that letter. Which colleagues were looking at me differently? Which friendships had been poisoned by those lies? The uncertainty was almost as bad as the original attack.

It creates a kind of social paranoia that can eat away at you for years. You’re constantly wondering who believes the lies about you.

How I survived (and how you can too)

I didn't try to defend myself publicly - This was my lawyer’s advice and was actually the right instinct, though I didn't know it at the time. Defending yourself against a smear campaign often just gives it more oxygen.

I focused on the people who mattered - The colleagues and friends who knew my character weren't swayed by a vicious letter. The ones who were... well, that told me everything I needed to know about them.

I documented everything - I kept copies of the letter and evidence of the email hack, in case this became important later for legal purposes.

I built new, healthier relationships - Rather than trying to repair relationships that had been poisoned, I invested in building new ones with people who saw me clearly.

I got professional help - Years later, I'm using EMDR therapy to process this trauma. Yes, this isn’t something you can just heal from by yourself.

The unexpected validation

Here's something interesting that happened recently: I went back to the area where we used to live, and, completely independently, two different people brought up this family member and commented on what a miserable person she was.

They saw her true character without any input from me.

Sometimes the best response to a smear campaign is just... time. Eventually, people see who the real problem is.

If you're facing a smear campaign right now

Don't panic - I know it feels like your world is ending, but most people are more discerning than you think.

Document everything - Screenshot, save, print. You might need this evidence later.

Resist the urge to defend publicly - It usually backfires and gives them more ammunition.

Focus on your closest circle - The people who truly know you won't be swayed by lies.

Consider legal action - Especially if they've accessed your accounts without permission or are targeting your livelihood.

Get support - This type of psychological warfare can be traumatic. Don't try to handle it alone.

If you're planning to leave an abusive partner, nip the smear campaign in the bud

Inform your managers or any clients your ex knows about - Let them know you’re going through a separation, and your ex might overreact to it and send them false information about you. This is so important. I know too many other victims whose exes have tried this. One even sent intimate images with his victim’s head photoshopped onto them to her managers.

Block your ex on all social media when you leave - The less access they have to you, the fewer opportunities to escalate.

Lock down all your email and social media accounts - I’d changed my email password but my ex managed to get into it through some other means (probably my verification questions) to steal my contacts. Turn on 2-step verification.

Keep a tight rein on your family and close friends - Sometimes, well-meaning family members can inadvertently trigger an escalation when they try to defend you publicly. Your ex sees any pushback as a threat to their narrative and responds with nuclear options.

Don’t engage with their family members - If any of your ex’s family members reach out to you, even if they seem supportive, keep any response to “I appreciate your concern. (Ex’s name) needs your support in this difficult time as we focus on the best interests of our child/children.” However you word a response, keep it free of any blame and acrimony that could trigger your ex into “impression management” mode. Sometimes the best response to your ex’s relatives is just no response at all. You’re not obligated to respond to them, and the courts don’t expect you to for the sake of “coparenting.”

The bottom line

Thirteen years later, I'm thriving. I've built a career helping other survivors. I have healthy relationships. I've moved far beyond the reach of those toxic people.

The smear campaign didn't define me. It revealed them.

And if you're facing something similar right now, know this: their desperate attempt to destroy your reputation is actually proof that you're winning. You're building something they can't control, and that terrifies them.

You will survive this. You will rebuild. And eventually, you'll see it for what it really was—their last desperate attempt to maintain power over you.

They failed when you left them. They’ll fail now, too.

Have you survived a smear campaign? I'd love to hear your story. Reply to this email and let me know how you got through it.

Need help facing whatever your ex throws at you?

Whether it’s a smear campaign, abusive messages, manipulation of your children, or any other post-separation abuse issue, it’s easier to deal with when you’ve got someone by your side.

Feel free to reach out to me for a 30-minute consultation, free of charge, where you can get it all off your chest. You’ll leave our session with clarity on the outcomes you want and your main priorities, whether or not you decide to continue working with me.

Want to know more about what I do?

Resources

If you're recovering from a smear campaign or any form of post-separation abuse, I highly recommend Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie.

What makes this book particularly powerful is that it's written by a survivor for survivors. MacKenzie co-founded PsychopathFree.com, an online support community that helps millions of abuse survivors, so he understands exactly what you're going through.

This book brilliantly explains the calculated nature of post-separation abuse tactics, including smear campaigns. MacKenzie describes how abusers "hide behind a veil of normalcy, arranging their friends and partners like pawns in a game of chess." Sound familiar? That's exactly what happened to me when family members were recruited to participate in my character assassination.

The book validates what many survivors struggle to put into words: that these people deliberately target what you value most because they know you'll defend those things most passionately. They attack precisely what matters to you, whether it’s your reputation, your children, or your livelihood.

What I love most about "Psychopath Free" is that it does more than just explain the abuse. It actually gives survivors genuine hope that they can heal. The central message is empowering: "Say goodbye to the chaos, self-doubt, and victimization. You are free."

If you've survived a smear campaign, this book will help you understand that what happened to you was a calculated tactic by someone who preys on forgiveness and thrives on your need for closure. More importantly, it will help you reclaim your power and move forward.