🦚 Are you a "strong" survivor?

You’ve probably heard some of these comments before: “You’re so strong”, “You’re such a brave person”, “You’re an inspiration.”

I have. And I’ve taken pride in my resilience, my ability to soldier on in the face of smear campaigns, revenge porn, and financial abuse. To represent myself in court and win, and tear my way through twisted mounds of red tape so my children and I could build a new life in the country their father brought us to, abandoned us in, and then tried to force us to leave.

I’m proud of the fact that I was able to build up a six-figure business as a translator and copywriter, with 15-hour working days (and frequent overnighters), 6 or 7 days a week, while all of the above was happening. And to turn my own little venting group with 2 friends into a local support group that now has over 200 members, to obtain not one, but two divorce coaching qualifications, to build up my coaching business, and to start and grow this newsletter.

My own inspiration was, and still is, Tina Swithin.

Tina built her post-separation abuse struggles into a blog, One Moms Battle, which became a movement and a way for her to help other parents divorcing narcissists and change the conversation around high-conflict divorce. And she’s written a series of bestselling books. What a powerhouse!

Tina represented herself in her own custody case in family court and ended up winning complete custody and parental rights. Then, a year later, her ex-husband’s brother, whom Tina had repeatedly warned the court about and didn’t want around her children, was charged with sexually molesting children and recording children with a concealed camera.

And Tina’s world turned upside down. Yes, her daughters were now safe from this man, but the realization that her worst fears about this man were true opened up a well of trauma she hadn’t known existed so deep inside her.

My own unraveling came unexpectedly too

My ex-husband had left the country; our children didn’t have to see him, and I didn’t have to deal with him any more. He was out of my life. The kids and I had the security of permanent residence in Canada.

Then I had my first scheduled mammogram. Afterwards, I walked around in a fog of depression, hardly able to function. My workout routine fell apart. A couple of weeks into this, when it wasn’t going away, I looked back and realized when it had started and it dawned on me that the mammogram had triggered the PTSD I still apparently had from being sexually abused by my ex.

What’s more, the nightmares I’d had since leaving him nearly a decade before were getting more and more vivid. It was always the same nightmare—I was back with him again, and I didn’t know how I’d let that happen, or how I was going to leave him this time. I’d wake up from these nightmares in a panic, with a feeling of utter powerlessness, and tears running down my cheeks.

When I came across these words in a text I was translating from French this week, they resonated deeply with me:

Healing isn’t about being the hero of your own story

When you’re leaving an abuser, mindset shifts are important. Keeping it all together is important. Getting strategic and learning to communicate with your abusive ex is important. Building your resilience is important. But don’t mistake any of that for healing.

A divorce coach is invaluable for helping you with mindset shifts, strategy, communication, and presentation. But even the most trauma-aware divorce coach is not enough. I’m in therapy with a qualified therapist who specializes in trauma. And I recommend that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY CLIENTS sees a therapist too.

All of them are traumatized by the abuse they suffered and sometimes also by abuse that happened in their childhood, and we all need to address that if we’re going to heal.

For too many years, I thought that maybe resilience was the same as healing, that if I showed up and kept being strong, one day I’d get better. It’s not. Resilience is the armor you put on every day to get through the war as you wield your sword. It’s keeping it all together when everything around you is falling apart. But if you don’t start working on ACTUAL healing, one day, it’s you who’s going to fall apart.

Like Tina, I’m seeing a therapist who does EMDR, and I can see the effects in my emotional responses to the trauma we’re addressing. I’m able to look at memories that used to disturb and trigger me without my heart racing, or without feeling a sense of shame. We’re moving slowly towards the really big stuff, the reason I started seeing her, and I look forward to dissolving the hold these triggers have on me.

So, yes, you’re strong. Yes, you’re a fighter. But don’t mistake that strength for the peace you deserve. You can put down your sword and take off your armor for a bit, and find someone who can help you let go of that monster’s hand.

And one day, the monster will have shrunk to nothing.

Want to know how I can help you?

If you’re looking for a high-conflict divorce coach to help you with strategy, communicating with your ex (my specialty), documenting, and/or presentation for court, contact me by responding to this newsletter, or via the contact form on my website. We’ll set up a 30-minute Zoom call to see how I can help you and to give you an idea of whether we’re a good fit.

Resources

If you’re interested in finding out more about EMDR, you can check out this website, Here are some FAQs as well. which explains it in detail. Please note that EMDR therapy is a mental health intervention. As such, it should only be offered by properly trained and licensed mental health clinicians.