She was terrified of her ex

I was crying last week.

One of the women I help sent me a screenshot of her ex's latest messages. He was telling her she needed mental help and saying that a judge would give him full custody of their child when they went to court.

That wasn't why I was crying.

We were both laughing at his ridiculous threats and his attempts to paint her as the abuser.

That wasn't why I was crying either.

When she left him, he'd sent her an email threatening to destroy her and make her life a mental hell. It had her in a state of terror for nearly a decade.

Last year, she showed me the email and I told her that it wasn't a sign of his power over her. It was a sign of his lack of power. She'd looked at me like I was crazy.

I explained that when she left him, he had lost his power over her. The email was a way to try to regain it, and it had worked.

I could almost see the lightbulb going on over her head.

The work she's been doing with her own trauma-informed, narcissism-aware therapist, along with insights like this, created a huge shift in her thinking.

💪🏻 And she's been doing amazing stuff since then. 🌟

THAT's why I was crying.

If you're in a high-conflict divorce or custody battle, your biggest opponent isn't your ex.

It's yourself.

Harsh? Victim blaming? Yes, I know. It sounds like it.

Just hear me out.

You are not responsible for the abuse and gaslighting heaped on you.

BUT

You also can't control what your ex, the courts, or any of the experts appointed to your case think, do, or say.

There's only one thing you can control.

That's right.

Yourself—your own responses and actions.

In the heat of these intense situations, the biggest battle often happens inside you.

How you manage your emotions, reactions, and decisions can make all the difference

It makes a difference not just in court, but in the well-being of your children and the quality of your own life post-divorce.

But being your best self when life's all rainbows and roses is easy-peasy.

Even the most malignant narcissists can do that.

The hard part?

It's being your best self when

you're triggered
you're in a conflict
you're facing failure
you're misunderstood
your integrity is tested
you're totally exhausted
you're feeling unappreciated
you're facing major life changes
you're dealing with emotional pain
you're facing prejudice or discrimination
it feels like the whole world is against you.

If you're experiencing post-separation abuse, these situations are your everyday reality. Being your best self isn't a one-time thing—it’s a daily effort.

So keep pushing, keep growing, keep showing up—especially when things get really hard.

Because that's when it really counts. Your future self will thank you, and so will your kids.

A bit about me

This newsletter just got an influx of new subscribers thanks to a shoutout from Tina Swithin, so I’d like to introduce myself. I was recently challenged to write my life story in 81 words or less. Here’s what I wrote:

I wanted to help other people going through post-separation abuse, so I trained to become a One Moms Battle High Conflict Divorce coach. I’m also a CDC Certified Divorce Coach®.

Want to know how I can help you?

Resources

This book, ostensibly written for high performers (in the boardroom, on the field, or elsewhere), is easy to read, understand, and apply. It’s based on the premise that what we think about most of the time is what our lives truly become, and by focusing on constructive thoughts in our past, present and future, we put ourselves in the best position to really perform when it counts. As victims of post-separation abuse, our confidence is shattered into tiny little pieces and it’s a huge job to rebuild it.

Reading this book opened my eyes to how common confidence issues are. I loved the research-based techniques for building it up. It’s not about being arrogant, or thinking we’re better than we are (the very first example in the book highlights that well) but about developing and maintaining the confidence we need to manage what life throws in our way.

It’s chock-full of exercises for improving our confidence and our performance. I weeded all the exercises in the book out from among the anecdotes and created a summary of them. If you’d like a copy of my summary, just reply to this newsletter asking me for it. You can refer to it as you go through the book.

The author has worked mainly with the military and athletes, so most of his examples come from there, which some people might not enjoy. I promise you, it’s still worth it.