🦚The family court trap that's wrecking your case

If you’ve ever walked out of a courtroom feeling like you’d just landed in the “upside down” from Stranger Things, after having your lived experience being dismissed and your abuser’s baseless allegations treated like they’re gospel, you’re not alone.

And you’re not crazy.

The disconnect between what you know to be true and how the court seems to perceive you is profoundly disorienting and traumatizing.

Last week, we talked about why family court professionals often don't "get it" when you present evidence of abuse. We explored how they view your case through their own particular lens shaped by their training, beliefs, and experiences.

But there's a crucial piece of this puzzle we need to address: credibility. As family court experts Toby G. Kleinman and Daniel Pollack write:

That last word is the key. When facts are disputed and evidence isn't clear-cut (as is often the case in family court), judges fall back on who they believe is more credible. And unfortunately, narcissistic and abusive personalities often excel at presenting themselves well in short-term, high-stakes situations like court appearances.

I've seen it happen countless times: a charming, composed abuser versus a traumatized, anxious protective parent. Guess who often appears more "credible" to an untrained eye?

Your ex shows up:

👔 Calm and collected
👔 Well-dressed and well-spoken
👔 Reasonable-sounding
👔 "Focused on the children"
👔 Apparently cooperative
👔 Usually male (extra credibility points)

Meanwhile, you might be:

😰 Struggling with trauma responses
😰 Overwhelmed and emotional
😰 Desperate to protect your children
😰 Frustrated by the system
😰 Appearing "uncooperative" because you're trying to maintain boundaries
😰 Usually female (which loses you credibility points)

It's not fair, but it's the reality we have to work with. The good news? Once you understand how credibility is assessed in family court, you can take steps to level the playing field.

1. Consistency matters more than truth

Judges look for consistency in your statements, documentation, and behavior over time. Even if you're telling the truth, inconsistencies can damage your credibility.

2. Presentation trumps emotion

It shouldn't matter how you look or whether you cry, but it does. Judges are human, and they're influenced by nonverbal cues and emotional presentation.

3. Documentation beats recollection

Memory is fallible, especially when you're traumatized. Written records created at the time of events are given much more weight than later recollections.

4. Balanced perspectives outweigh accusations

Ironically, acknowledging some positives about your ex can actually strengthen your credibility when discussing the negatives.

5. Expert validation amplifies your voice

Third-party professionals who validate your concerns carry enormous weight with judges.

Knowing what builds credibility is important, but it’s equally crucial to understand what destroys it:

Apparent coaching of children

Nothing will wreck your credibility faster than anything that suggests you've coached your children to say negative things about the other parent.

Appearing unwilling to co-parent

Courts are deeply committed to the belief that children need both parents. Fighting this directly often backfires terribly.

Your abusive ex may shine in short court appearances, but credibility is built over time. Be patient and consistent.

A new client came to me devastated after her first court hearing went poorly. Her ex presented so well that the judge rejected her concerns. But over the next several months, she:

1. Maintained meticulous documentation

2. Followed every court order precisely

3. Communicated respectfully and consistently

4. Built relationships with professionals in her children's lives

5. Showed up as stable, capable, and child-centered

When they returned to court six months later, her ex had already begun showing his true colors to others involved in the case. The contrast between her consistent, child-focused behavior and his increasingly controlling and erratic conduct was stark.

This time, the judge saw a different perspective. The very consistency that builds credibility is difficult for most abusers to maintain over time.

It shouldn't be this way. In an ideal world, the truth would just prevail. But in family court, it needs your help to shine through clear and strong.

Building and maintaining credibility doesn't mean being perfect. It means being strategic, consistent, and focused on what matters most: your children's wellbeing. By understanding how credibility works in the courtroom, you can increase the chance of your voice and your children's needs being heard.

The injustice of having to "prove" your truth when you've already survived so much is enraging. It's unfair that you have to strategize and perform while you’re being retraumatized, over and over.

But your story does matter. Your truth matters. You've already survived experiences that are unimaginable to most people. You've already shown more courage than they’ll ever need to summon.

Now, with these strategies, you're not just surviving. You're taking back your power, with insight and foresight.

Want to know how I can help you?

Being caught up in the family court system with a narcissistic ex can feel overwhelming. I'd like to offer you a space to be heard and to gain clarity on your path forward. I'm inviting you to a complimentary 30-minute discovery call.

During this conversation, we'll explore your current challenges and what you're hoping to achieve. I'll listen with empathy and share insights based on my experience helping others in similar situations.

Whether or not we decide to work together after our call, you'll gain valuable perspective and practical ideas you can implement right away.

This isn't about pushing you to become a client—it's about offering you support at a time when you might need it most. I've been where you are, and sometimes, having the right conversation can be exactly what you need to gain some clarity and move forward with confidence.

Want to know more about what I do?

Take a moment to assess your current credibility position with this quick self-evaluation. For each statement, mark whether it's currently a strength or an area for improvement in your case:

Documentation & Organization

• ☐ I have a consistent system for documenting incidents and communications

• ☐ My records are organized chronologically and easily accessible

• ☐ I can quickly locate specific evidence when needed

• ☐ I document regularly, while incidents are still fresh in my mind

• ☐ My documentation uses neutral, factual language

• ☐ I have a system for organizing photographs, videos, or audio for evidence

Communication Style

• ☐ My written communications with my ex are brief and child-focused.

• ☐ I don’t let my ex drag me into arguments

• ☐ I avoid emotional language in emails and texts

• ☐ I refrain from responding immediately when triggered

• ☐ I maintain a respectful tone even when provoked

• ☐ I use the Yellow Rock and/or BIFF technique

• ☐ I have examples of my attempts at reasonable cooperation

• ☐ I'm consistent in my response times and communication patterns

Court Presentation

• ☐ I’ve practiced answering difficult questions calmly

• ☐ I have appropriate professional attire for court appearances

• ☐ I can discuss concerns without becoming visibly distressed

• ☐ I can speak about my ex's parenting without obvious contempt

• ☐ I focus on the children's needs rather than my grievances

• ☐ I’m able to talk about solutions instead of focusing on problems

• ☐ If my missteps come up in court, I acknowledge them and explain how I’ve improved.

• ☐ I’ve practiced controlling my facial expressions and gestures

• ☐ I've researched and understand the specific procedures of my local family court

• ☐ I've prepared concise answers to likely questions about my parenting approach

• ☐ I can articulate specific examples that demonstrate my points rather than making general claims

• ☐ I’ve practised just stating the facts, without my opinions and without labeling my ex.

Professional Relationships

• ☐ I have established relationships with professionals involved in my children's lives

• ☐ I follow through consistently on professional recommendations

• ☐ I communicate regularly with my children's teachers/therapists

• ☐ I have sought appropriate professional support for myself

• ☐ I maintain organized records of all professional interactions

• ☐ I maintain professional boundaries with service providers involved in my case

• ☐ I've been proactive about addressing any concerns raised by professionals

• ☐ I arrive early to all court proceedings and appointments

Child-Centered Focus

• ☐ I can articulate the children's needs separately from my own

• ☐ I avoid discussing court matters with the children

• ☐ I document children's spontaneous disclosures without leading questions

• ☐ If I feel a response is needed, I ask them open-ended questions like “how do you feel when that happens?”

• ☐ I support the children's relationship with their other parent as much as safely possible

• ☐ I frame my concerns in terms of impacts on the children

• ☐ I always refer to the children as “our children”, not “my children” in any correspondence with my ex and when dealing with the courts and third-party experts.

How did you score? Count your strengths and areas for improvement. If you have more areas for improvement than strengths in any category, that's your priority for building credibility. Even small improvements in your weakest area can significantly enhance your overall credibility in court.