🦚 The question that made my client's ex lose control

My client was feeling frustrated. The mandatory parental coordination sessions she was attending with her ex weren’t going anywhere. In fact, the parental coordinator was taking sides with her ex, oblivious to his manipulation and gaslighting.

“I feel like I’m constantly on the defense with his mind games, being made to look bad,” she said.

So, we came up with a strategy. Instead of trying to defend herself or prove her ex wrong, she’d just ask open-ended questions with authentic curiosity. That way, she’d be showing the PC that she was truly engaging and trying to work with her ex.

The next parental coordination session provided the perfect opportunity. When her ex launched into one of his narratives, she calmly asked, "Why do you see it that way?"

It was like lighting a match in a room full of gasoline. Her ex, caught off guard by this simple question, exploded into a rage. At that moment, his mask slipped, giving the parental coordinator a front-row seat to what my client had been dealing with all along.

I wasn’t surprised when this happened, even though it wasn’t our aim. Coercive controllers often struggle with being questioned. They see genuine curiosity as a challenge to their authority, and their need to maintain control can trigger spectacular defensive reactions.

During our marriage, my ex-husband hated it when I used “Non-violent communication” with him. This approach, developed by Marshall Rosenberg, is a communication tool for creating empathy and understanding when people disagree. I learned it as part of my counseling work, and it was really effective—except with him.

When I responded to his outbursts or criticisms of me by trying to validate his feelings with statements like, “When I ________, you feel _______,” it would just escalate his anger. Now I get why.

Coercive controllers don't want understanding or empathy. They want control. When you try to validate their feelings, you're inadvertently challenging their power in three ways:

In written communications, phrases like "I understand you feel strongly about this" or "Thank you for sharing your perspective" can work well because they create a paper trail of your reasonable responses.

The key is strategic responses. When you’re responding to false accusations in writing, resist the urge to defend or explain. Your ex isn't interested in understanding—they're trying to provoke a reaction.

If you argue, they win twice because:

But you can't just let their lies sit there in black and white either, right? Here's where strategic responses come in.

Tina Swithin suggests writing, “Your attempt to cast me in a bad light is noted.” Judge Anthony Bompiani recommends, “You know that’s not true.”

I’m not wild about either of those. The first response doesn't explicitly deny their claims, and the second invites argument (although it could be used as a “broken record” technique, where you trot out that phrase repeatedly as your ex tries to argue the point with you).

Want a more powerful alternative? Try this:

What makes this response so special? It:

• Denies their claims

• Sounds collaborative

• Sets clear boundaries

• Creates a paper trail

• Keeps the focus on solutions

Here are some powerful combinations you can use with "Let's stick to the facts":

These responses work beautifully on their own too. They help you:

• Maintain strong boundaries

• Document everything

• Keep moving forward

• Show professionals that you're solution-focused

Remember: These aren't weapons to provoke your ex or win arguments. Think of them as shields that protect you while creating a clear record of who's really driving the conflict.

Before responding to your ex, always consider:

Most importantly: Trust your gut. If something feels unsafe, choose a more neutral approach—or don't respond at all. Sometimes silence is the most powerful response, especially if you've already refuted their lies.

Want to know how I can help you?

Are you struggling to find the right balance in communicating with your ex? As a certified divorce coach specializing in post-separation abuse, I can help you develop effective strategies tailored to your specific situation. Book a free 30-minute discovery call with me today, and let's explore how you can communicate more effectively while protecting your peace of mind.

If you want to find out more about how I can help you…

Resources

If you're constantly getting sucked into your ex's mind games or second-guessing your responses to their manipulation, then "Boundary Boss" by Terri Cole is the book you need. I’ve recommended this book before because it's a relatable and profoundly insightful guide that equips you with practical scripts and strategies to handle even the most challenging boundary violations.

What makes "Boundary Boss" especially valuable when dealing with a narcissistic ex is Cole's deep understanding of how boundary-crossing people operate. She shows you how to identify when you're being manipulated and provides clear, actionable scripts for responses that protect your peace without escalating conflict. Whether you're dealing with false accusations, gaslighting attempts, or other manipulation tactics, Cole's approach helps you stay strategic rather than reactive.

The book includes:

✨ How to recognize when your boundaries have been violated and what to do next

✨ How your unique "Boundary Blueprint" is unconsciously driving your boundary behaviors, and strategies to redesign it

✨Powerful boundary scripts so you’ll know what to say in the moment

✨How to manage "Boundary Destroyers"—including emotional manipulators, narcissists, and other toxic personalities

✨Where you fall on the spectrum of codependency and how to create healthy, balanced relationships

Besides being a fun, entertaining, yet profoundly insightful read, it also has a bunch of actionable strategies and scripts to help you set boundaries in various situations. And if you like writing, get your pen and paper ready. There are loads of exercises to keep you busy!