🦚 Feeling overwhelmed by your divorce or custody battle?

I’m not a fan of climbing. I’ve got a fear of heights. I can climb up, but don’t ask me to climb down anything. But I am a fan of good climbing stories. So when my coach Jenae told me what her climbing instructor said once, my ears perked up.

He told the group that if everyone did this one simple thing, their climbing would improve radically. They listened attentively. What was this incredible thing? He said, what do you do when you fall? They said, get up and climb again. He said no, you stand there and think, why did I fall? You need to analyze where your system is breaking down.

Of course, Jenae wasn’t really talking about climbing

And nor am I. Because “this one simple thing” is something that applies to just about every aspect of our lives. Yes, going through a high-conflict divorce or custody battle with an abuser is pretty much like climbing. It’s scary, it’s rocky, there’s unknown territory, you have to keep looking for handholds, and sometimes you slip. But just like in climbing, what matters more than the slip itself is what you do next.

Every slip, every fall, is telling you something. What triggered the fall? Where is the support rope fraying? Which holds are solid, and which ones are just illusions waiting to crumble?

When we slip, whether it's on a rock wall or in a high-conflict divorce, our instincts often drive us to two extremes: self-blame or externalizing the issue.

First, there's the self-blame route. You beat yourself up for every misstep and convince yourself that you must be responsible for the fall. You tell yourself you’re obviously not cut out for climbing (or taking back your power from a coercive controller). You become your own harshest critic, and start believing your ex’s gaslighting. “I’m a bad coparent.” “I can’t do anything right." “I’m the asshole here.” You might as well try to climb with weights tied to your ankles, because you’re not doing yourself any favors.

On the flip side, there’s the temptation to externalize every problem. You point fingers, attributing setbacks to external forces or other people. While there is a lot we can’t control, focusing on this aspect to the exclusion of everything else doesn’t change anything for the better. It also keeps you stuck in place. It's like scaling a wall blindfolded, expecting the holds to appear just where you expect them.

The key is to find the balance

We need to dissect each fall with honesty and self-compassion. Recognize your part without undue self-blame and understand external influences without absolving yourself of your responsibility. This balanced reflection is what transforms a slip into a learning curve.

The “systems” that come into play when you’re a victim of post-separation abuse are many, and they can each break down in numerous ways.

What do you mean by systems?

“Systems” are the strategies and approaches we use to deal with post-separation abuse. These are the internal mechanics that can make or break our journey. Understanding them is the key to climbing successfully.

📢 One of the most critical systems is how we respond to our abusive exes. This includes setting boundaries, choosing when and how to communicate, and deciding which battles are worth fighting. A system that prioritizes your mental health and safety, while maintaining clear, firm boundaries, can prevent unnecessary emotional drain.

👨‍👦‍👦 Then there's the system of how we parent and co-parent. This involves ensuring that our children feel secure and loved, even while it’s chaotic around them. It means communicating with them in ways that are age-appropriate and reassuring, and protecting them from conflict whenever you can. It’s also about finding ways to co-parent effectively, or parallel-parent when cooperation isn’t possible, focusing on what's best for the kids.

✍🏻 Documenting interactions and keeping meticulous records is another essential system. This helps protect your interests and your children’s interests and ensures that you have a clear, objective account of events. Whether it’s saving emails, recording incidents, or maintaining a journal, having a robust documentation system can be your best defense in court and beyond.

🌺 Don’t forget the system of self-care and emotional resilience. This involves recognizing when you need a break, finding support from friends or professionals you can trust, and finding ways to recharge. It’s about building a mental toolkit that includes mindfulness, therapy, or other practices that help you maintain balance.

💰 Post-separation financial abuse can be a significant challenge, so having a system that tracks expenses, plans for the future, and works toward financial control is crucial. This might mean consulting with a financial advisor or using budgeting tools to regain control. Even if you don’t have a lot of money coming in right now, if you work to develop a system to manage it well, your future self will be incredibly thankful. Take it from me. As someone who didn’t develop those systems as soon as I was free, I know how important this is.

In this aspect of your life, systems are often basically just patterns, consisting of habits. When your ex’s vitriolic, irate texts ping their way onto your phone, the way you react is a system. You hear the ping, see the notification, open the message, read it, feel the blood rush to your head or the freezing grip of fear in your chest as your tummy churns. Depending on your reaction, you respond right away with your own angry text or immediately give in to your ex’s demands.

Whatever the result, your morning, afternoon, or evening is ruined. The problem isn’t that your ex is abusive or that you react a certain way. The solution isn’t to control your anger or your fear (though that’s an important step too). Your communication system is broken, from the moment you hear that “ping”.

That’s where it’s up to you to play detective

Find out what you can change and experiment with different solutions. Switch off notifications for your ex. Get a cheap “burner phone” that’s only for communications with your ex and change your number for everyone else (drastic, but I know people who’ve done that). Get a judge to order communication through a co-parenting app and only check that app at certain times. Train your ex to communicate by email and create a special folder for those emails. These are just some of the many options

No thanks, systems are for business, not for people. I’m not a robot

Divorcing or being in a custody battle with a coercive controller is hard. Protecting your children and helping them grow up resilient and empathetic when their other parent constantly tries to break them down is hard. YOUR LIFE IS HARD. Relying on self-discipline or trying to control your fear responses in the moment is super-hard. Having effective systems in place is what makes things easier.

Yes, just like financial advice that works, systems are boring. There’s nothing sexy about them (well, maybe not to you, but there are people who find them fascinating). But boring is the new easy. Who doesn’t want easy?

Want to know how I can help you?

Want to make your climb that much easier? Traversing the rocky terrain of post-separation abuse shouldn't be a solo trek. With the right guide and the right systems in place, your journey will be easier. That's where I come in.

Join me for a free 30-minute discovery call where we'll pinpoint exactly where your systems are falling short and identify personalized strategies to help you regain control and peace of mind.

And if you want to find out more about me and what I do…

Resources

Ever wished you had a crystal ball to help you identify where your systems are breaking down before you suffer the consequences? While I can’t promise magical foresight, I can introduce you to the next best thing: the SWOT analysis. It’s not just a tool for boardrooms and business schools—it’s your secret weapon for understanding and outmaneuvering the challenges posed by both your ex and yourself.

SWOT stands for Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, and Threats.

There are two aspects: a SWOT analysis for you and one for your ex. Here’s how it works:

Strengths: Identify what you and your ex bring to the table.

Weaknesses: Pinpoint the vulnerabilities.

Opportunities: These are external factors that can work in your favor or in your ex’s failure.

Threats: Identify what could undermine your progress or, alternatively trip your ex up

Conducting a SWOT analysis on both your ex and yourself allows you to map out the terrain, anticipate challenges, and identify where your systems might be breaking down. It turns the abstract into the actionable, transforming confusion into clarity.

Check out the SWOT analysis tool I created, and transform your climb into a strategic ascent. With this map in hand, you’re not just surviving—you’re thriving, one calculated step at a time.