🦚Trapped by "radical acceptance"?

I recently read a Substack piece by Jennie Young, creator of the Burned Haystack Dating Method, who walked away from an alcoholic partner after attending a single Al-Anon meeting. This question she asked was one I’ve often struggled with myself:

At that meeting, she saw women talking about their husbands’ alcohol-induced psychosis, seizures, and collapse in the same matter-of-fact tone they might use to describe scheduling a dental cleaning. From her perspective, these weren't women who’d found peace. It just seemed like they’d been drained of all life force.

Of course, this is just the writer’s perspective on the one meeting she attended, and she could have misinterpreted what she saw and heard. But it got me thinking about how often I hear similar stories to the description of these women in Facebook groups for women dealing with abusive exes. Women who don’t see that they have any agency, who feel like they’ll be living under their ex’s boot forever, who can’t see past a dysfunctional court system.

I really do think that support groups can sometimes drag their members down into a morass of learned helplessness and mutual hopelessness, instead of uplifting and empowering them. This is something group moderators should be constantly guarding against.

When acceptance becomes a weapon

At the end of the article, Jennie refers to radical acceptance as “weaponized empathy.” But, to be honest, what she was seeing from her perspective in this meeting didn’t look like radical acceptance to me. It looked like giving up. There's a massive difference between radical acceptance and downright resignation.

Resignation looks like this:

True radical acceptance looks different. It means:

The acceptance that saves you

Jennie says she was rejecting radical acceptance when she left her alcoholic partner. But I'd argue she was practicing it perfectly.

She radically accepted that:

And then she acted on that acceptance.

This is what real radical acceptance looks like in an abusive relationship. It doesn’t mean you have to become a doormat or put up with dysfunction. Radical acceptance happens when you see clearly enough to protect yourself and your children.

The family court version

I see this enabling dynamic playing out constantly in family court. Protective parents are told to “accept” that their ex will always be difficult. To "work with what you have." To “focus on being the bigger person.” One of my clients was told to put a dollar coin in a jar every time her ex verbally abused her during a mediation process and to buy something nice for herself once the jar was full.

Meanwhile, their abusive ex weaponizes this language:

But here's what they're really asking you to accept:

That's enabling, not radical acceptance.

What radical acceptance actually looks like

When you truly accept your narcissistic ex for who they are, you:

Stop expecting them to change. 
You quit holding your breath for the apology that will never come, the insight they'll never have, the cooperation they'll never offer.

Set boundaries accordingly. 
You communicate only about logistics. You document everything. You protect your energy like the precious resource it is.

Accept your own limitations. 
You can't control their behavior, but you can control your response to it. You can't make them a good parent, but you can be a safe harbor for your children.

Act from clarity, not hope. 
Your decisions are based on who they've shown themselves to be, not who you wish they were.

The difference between accepting and enabling

Here's the key distinction: Radical acceptance doesn't require you to stay in harmful situations. It gives you the clarity to leave them.

When you radically accept that your ex is a coercive controller who will never change:

The women in that particular Al-Anon meeting weren't practicing radical acceptance. They were practicing resignation and avoidance. From Jennie's perspective, they were avoiding the truth that some situations are unacceptable and some people are fundamentally unsafe.

Your radical acceptance moment

If you're still hoping your ex will see the light, apologize for the damage they've caused, or suddenly become the co-parent you need them to be, I get it. That hope feels like love. It feels like strength. Giving up on it sometimes means acknowledging that all those years you spent with your ex, all those positive memories, were nothing but an illusion they wove to keep you in their control. And that’s the toughest pill to swallow.

But what if the most loving thing you could do, for yourself and your children, is to radically accept that they never will do what you need them to?

What if radical acceptance isn't about learning to live with the unacceptable, but about finally seeing clearly enough to reject it?

What if the most radical act of acceptance is refusing to accept abuse?

Your ex has shown you who they are. Believe them. Accept it fully. And then act accordingly.

That's not giving up. That's waking up.

And sometimes, waking up, just like Jennie Young did in that meeting, is the most radical thing you can do.

Want to know how I can help you?

If you’re constantly finding yourself getting sucked into your ex’s emotional drama and you need help extricating yourself, you can book a free 30-minute discovery session with me, and we’ll talk about the challenges you’re facing, the obstacles that keep tripping you up and get you clarity on what your main priorities are. You’ll walk away from the call with a new perspective and more clarity.

Want to know more about what I do?

Resources

If you're stuck waiting for perfect conditions before taking action to protect yourself, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown is for you. Brown's research reveals how perfectionism isn't caused by high standards. It comes from fear and paralysis. I see this perfectionism trap constantly among women dealing with abusive exes.

This perfectionist thinking keeps you stuck in learned helplessness while your abuser keeps controlling your life. Brown shows how embracing imperfection is actually the path to courage and action.

I find her work on fostering happiness and joy particularly relevant to radical acceptance. Too many victims of post-separation abuse have unconsciously accepted that misery is their permanent state. But Brown demonstrates that cultivating joy in spite of imperfect circumstances is essential. It’s not selfish at all.

True radical acceptance might look like: “The system is flawed, my situation isn't perfect, AND I can still take protective action while choosing happiness.” Sometimes the most radical thing you can do is refuse to let your abuser steal your joy along with everything else. If you've been waiting for perfect conditions to start living again, this book will help you see that imperfect action beats perfect inaction every time.