👂🏻 Trust your inner voice again

One of the biggest casualties of an abusive relationship is trust. You learn not to trust your partner. You learn not to trust family and friends who don’t have your back. You learn not to trust the people who should be helping you—lawyers, experts, and sometimes even social workers.

But worst of all, you learn not to trust yourself.

When you've been in an environment where your thoughts, feelings, and needs were routinely dismissed or belittled, it's common to emerge feeling like your internal compass doesn’t quite point north anymore.

Your inner voice? It’s been suppressed, questioned, and maybe even ridiculed. It’s like someone turned the volume way down.

So, how do you start to listen again? How do you trust what you hear?

Start by recognizing your inner voice is there

First off, understand this: your inner voice never truly left; it's been there, waiting for a chance to speak up again. But after years, sometimes decades, of someone else dominating the narrative, it’s normal to second-guess yourself.

You might feel like you're at the mercy of a swirl of confusing emotions and reactions. It's okay. This is just the starting line.

Mistakes are part of the process

When you start tuning back into your inner voice, expect a bit of static. You're going to make mistakes. You'll confuse past triggers and intense reactions—remnants of your previous experiences—with your true inner voice.

Think of these as false alarms in a system that’s still recalibrating. They’re not signs of failure; they’re a necessary part of your journey towards healing.

Practice makes profound

Just start small. Make choices that don’t feel overwhelming. Maybe it’s deciding what movie to watch, what to eat for lunch, or what book to read next. Or maybe stopping reading a book that you’re not getting into. It sounds simple, right? But each small decision is a step towards restoring your confidence in your own voice.

As you practice, you'll start noticing the difference between knee-jerk reactions triggered by old fears and the authentic voice that speaks to your true self. It might whisper at first, so listen closely.

Listen for the true alarms

Over time, and with consistent effort, you'll learn to tell true alarms from false ones. A true alarm feels different—it’s not just reactive; it’s instructive. It doesn’t just react out of old habit—it guides, it protects, and it aligns with your values and your newfound boundaries.

You can take back control

Remember, this is your life.
Your journey.
Your healing.
Your voice.

No one else gets to live your life but you. So, what does your inner voice say today? Listen to it. Trust it. Let it guide you towards the light at the end of the tunnel.

You’ve got this. Every step you take is a step towards a stronger, more authentic you. Keep stepping, keep stumbling, and keep getting up. You're not alone.

Want to know how I can help you?

Resources

The Conflict Pivot* by Tammy Lenski, isn’t long (which is a good thing because it can be hard to read a book that drags its actionable insights out between mountains of anecdotes), but it’s packed with insights. It provides a simple mechanism for effectively transforming conflict from a destructive to a productive process.

Reading it gave me an insight I’d never had before into my own triggers and subconscious reactions. It was like a hearing aid for my inner voice. What’s more, it gave me strategies for “unhooking” myself from certain conflicts in my life.

*This is an Amazon affiliate link. I spend a lot of time providing information and content and helping free of charge here and on other platforms, and I appreciate it if you decide to purchase anything via the links in my newsletter. It's a simple way to support the work I do without any extra cost to you. Thank you for being a part of this community and for your continued support!

In conclusion

This past week, I got an unexpected message from a LinkedIn connection I used to know IRL many, many years ago, in another country. I was totally unaware of this, but she left an abusive marriage just over two years ago. She said (and I’ve condensed her words to leave out all her personal details):

This isn’t the first time I’ve gotten this kind of message from someone I used to know who told me that my writings have shone a light on their own abusive relationships and shown them a way out. This is what keeps me going, knowing that with every newsletter I write, every social media post, I’m helping someone whose struggles I don’t even know about.

Your voice matters too. Yes, it’s not a good idea to badmouth your ex (please don’t do that) but when you write or talk about your struggles or other people’s struggles with this issue in a way that uplifts people and shows you’re getting stronger, you do your part towards making the topic of intimate partner violence and post-separation abuse that little bit less taboo.