🦚 Was your relationship built on lies?

It was a bitter pill to swallow for my client. She’d been dreaming all night about writing a letter to her ex, and she woke up wanting to make him understand that he was hurting her with his gaslighting. Deep down, she knew that he was never going to understand it. But it was still eating at her.

“Accepting that he will never acknowledge ‘my truth’ feels like I got played all these years. That nothing was real,” she told me.

I could relate. A few months after leaving my marriage, I’d been hit by a wave of grief and anger as I was driving on the highway. I’d sobbed into the steering wheel as my car sped along the road. The jarring realization that years of shared experiences, family rituals, confidences, and even mundane rituals were built on a foundation of deception was overwhelming.

That highway meltdown wasn’t just cathartic for me. It was also a turning point. By the time I got home, I’d decided that it didn’t matter whether my ex had been playing a game of charades with me all those years. What mattered was that I’d invested sincerely in our marriage, the meaning I’d brought to it, and the love and energy I’d put into creating my part of those memories. My truth didn’t need validation from anyone else to be real.

Waking up to the realization that your ex is very likely someone with a narcissistic personality style or finding out that your ex is a serial cheater turns every moment in the past into a huge question mark.

Let’s face it, not everything in your relationship was gaslighting and manipulation. Even if your ex was the most malignant narcissist, there probably were moments when they were, how shall I put it, “in a good space” (in other words, they were feeling secure and not needing to gaslight, denigrate, or manipulate) and they were being sincere.

I remember seeing the movie “A River Runs Through It” with my husband. At the end of the film (spoiler: it has a sad ending), tears were running down his cheeks. It was in a dark theater; we’d been together for years (did I just date myself?), and there was no one to impress. He was having a sincere moment. There were other moments like that.

I started listing them here, and then I decided I didn’t want to go down that road. Because it still triggers me, all these years later, to dredge up those happy memories and put them down in writing.

Those authentic moments still hurt like hell because they’re infected by the rot of deception, manipulation, and abuse that made up the rest of my marriage. So, I choose not to dwell on them. I don’t want to dissect every moment, searching for sincerity like some emotional detective. I’ve got better things to do—like building a future where my sense of self-worth isn’t tied to someone else’s approval or perception.

So, if you’re struggling to accept that your ex is what they are because it means giving up the illusion of a relationship that never really was, or you find yourself peering into every nook and cranny of that relationship and turning over every stone to find out where the truth lay, maybe it’s time to step back and put down the magnifying glass.

Want to know how I can help you?

If you're tired of feeling trapped by the illusions of the past and ready to reclaim your truth, I'm here to help. As a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® specializing in post-separation abuse, I understand how hard it is to rebuild your life and your self-worth after deception and manipulation.

Join me for a free 30-minute discovery session where we can explore your unique situation and discuss strategies to help you move forward with confidence and clarity. Together, we'll work on shifting your focus from seeking validation to building a future where your self-worth is defined by you.

Click here to book your session today, and take the first step towards a life where your truth is acknowledged and your potential is unleashed. Let's turn the page and write the next chapter of your life on your terms.

If you want to find out more about how I help:

Resources

When you’ve got kids with a narcissistic ex, documenting is a crucial part of your strategy. Having a system that makes documentation easy, streamlined, and fun and doesn’t cost a fortune is a huge plus. Earlier this week, I came across Family Court Corner, a documentation app at a reasonable price, with a 2-week free trial period.

I haven’t used the app myself, so I can’t speak for how good it is, but I think the price is great, and the features it offers look really useful, especially the way it highlights patterns and chronic issues.