The 🗝 to turning grief into growth

The holidays have come and gone, bringing new memories and experiences.

If you’re embroiled in a high-conflict separation or custody battle with an abusive ex, the holidays bring a lot more. Like nostalgia, regret, and sadness. Probably some grief, as you look back on happier times and wonder if there’s something you could have done differently,

When you grieve the loss of a relationship, even an abusive one, you're grieving

• the loss of the dreams you had together

• the loss of the shared pride and joy in your children's accomplishments

• the loss of seeing your children experience the joy of the holidays together, or at all, if the children are with their other parent for the holiday

• the loss of a feeling of "belonging" to a unit and so much more.

Grief is part of a normal, healthy response to the end of an abusive relationship. Embrace your grief and accept it so you can start the healing. You'll also learn a lot about yourself from it.

📌 That being said, there’s a difference between accepting our grief and wallowing in it. If you get sucked into your grief for too long, you find yourself drawn away from the present, and giving your ex too much attention.

As my mother has often said to me, a bit like this gif:

Yes, it’s easier said than done (and, yes, obviously my mom didn’t literally mean 30 seconds). If we could snap out of our grief just like that, I wouldn’t have to write this newsletter.

We need tools to help us take off those rose-tinted glasses and kick our butts back to the present so we can focus on the future.

Here's one way to move on. Dr. Ramani calls it the "ick list" You can hear her talk about it with Dr. Christine Cocchiola in this episode of her podcast.

When you feel yourself getting sucked into the grief, or you start feeling nostalgic, start writing down ways your ex treated you badly. It's not pleasant (hence the "ick" aspect), but it will snap you back to reality and remind you why you left this relationship. Once you’ve got the list stored somewhere, you can call it up and read through it when you need a reminder of why you left this relationship.

🔥 This list is a powerful tool, not just for grounding you in the present, but also for reaffirming your self-worth and the decision you made to prioritize your well-being.

Every time you look at this list, you're not just revisiting old wounds; you're actively choosing your future happiness over past hurt. And eventually, you won’t need it any more, and you’ll be able to delete it (or tear it up – bye-bye ick list!)

Resources:

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