🦚Your kids don't need you to be perfect

You wake up in the morning, full of plans for the day. So much to do, and you’re SO ready to do it! You leap out of bed, whizz through your morning routine, sit down with your first cup of coffee, ready to tick off a long list of to-do’s. Then….BOOM!!!! The trigger hits, and you’re like a ghost of yourself the rest of the day. Nothing gets done.

When you're dealing with a narcissistic or abusive ex, especially when children are involved, your emotional world can feel like a war zone. And triggers are the landmines in this war zone. One moment you're functioning, the next you're triggered back into fight, flight, or freeze mode by a single text message or court document, or something else totally unexpected.

This isn't your fault. This is what post-separation abuse does. It keeps you trapped in the lower emotional frequencies where your abuser wants you to stay.

Understanding your emotional battlefield

I'm using “frequencies” as a metaphor here. It’s a useful way to think about the emotional spectrum we all experience. Your abusive ex has spent years training your nervous system to operate primarily in the lower frequencies: fear, anxiety, despair, hopelessness, anger. These emotional states served a purpose during the relationship: they kept you hypervigilant and focused on survival.

Now you're out. Your nervous system isn’t, though. It’s still stuck in that same pattern, even though the immediate physical danger has passed.

The lower emotional frequencies feel like:

• Constant dread about the next court date

• Panic when your phone buzzes with a text from your ex

• Rage that consumes your thoughts for hours

• Overwhelming feelings of hopelessness about your situation

• Shame that you “let this happen” or “can't protect your children”

The higher emotional frequencies include:

• Moments of genuine peace when your children are safe with you

• Clarity about what steps to take next

• Compassion for yourself and your journey

• Gratitude for the support system you're building

• Trust in your own intuition and strength

I lived almost constantly in those lower frequencies for years when I was with my ex, and certain triggers can shoot me right back into them. Those moments (that can sometimes last a day or even a few days) are reminders of what that life used to be like. But my stays there are getting shorter and shorter. Just like me, you have the power to shift your emotional frequency.

Why understanding emotional frequency matters in your survival

When you're operating from lower frequencies, you:

• Make decisions from fear rather than wisdom

• React instead of respond strategically

• Give your abuser the dramatic reaction they're seeking

• Exhaust yourself emotionally and physically

• Model dysregulation for your children

When you consciously work to operate from higher frequencies, you:

• Think more clearly about legal strategies

• Respond to provocations with calm authority

• Protect your energy for what truly matters

• Show your children what emotional regulation looks like

• Reclaim power over your own emotional experience

Please don’t think that this is about toxic positivity or pretending everything is fine. Your feelings and trauma responses are real, and they need to be accepted, not denied. But they don’t serve you or your health in the long run.

The trauma-informed frequency shift

Traditional advice about “just think positive” or “practice gratitude” doesn't work for trauma survivors (although practising gratitude is a good thing to do and will definitely help you, just not by itself). Your nervous system has been hijacked. You need trauma-informed approaches to shifting your emotional frequency.

When you're triggered into a lower frequency:

Ground yourself first. Before trying to shift up, come back to your body. Feel your feet on the floor. Take three deep breaths. You're safe in this moment.

Acknowledge the message. Your fear or anger is giving you information. “This email is designed to destabilize me.” “I'm feeling unsafe because court is tomorrow.” “My body thinks that I’m being sexually abused and it’s responding appropriately.” Honor the wisdom of your emotional response.

Ask strategic questions. Instead of “Why won't this nightmare end?” try “What would my highest self do right now?” “What action would bring the outcome I want?” or “What response would best serve my children's long-term wellbeing?”

Use your support network. Isolation keeps you trapped in lower emotional frequencies. Text a trusted friend. Call your therapist. Join an online support group. Connection literally changes your brain chemistry.

Document and detach. Screenshot the abusive message (if that’s your trigger), file it appropriately, then step away. You’re gathering evidence, not engaging in the drama. Imagine yourself tying the message or the event that triggered you to a balloon and letting it float away, or putting it in a little paper boat and placing it in a rushing stream, or sucking it up with a huge vacuum cleaner into a big chest and slamming the lid shut.

Your frequency and your children

Your children are watching how you go about your life and deal with this storm. When you operate from higher emotional frequencies, you’re doing way, way more than just healing yourself. You're showing them that it's possible to stay centered even when chaos swirls around you.

This doesn’t mean you have to be perfect. Your children need to see you experience the full range of human emotions. But they also need to see you take responsibility for your emotional regulation and recovery.

High-frequency parenting after abuse includes:

• Apologizing when you’re triggered and explaining (age-appropriately) what happened

• Creating predictable calm spaces in your home

• Teaching them that they’re not responsible for managing anyone else’s emotions

• Modeling healthy boundaries and self-care

• Showing them that healing is possible

Frequency protection strategies

Morning armor: Before checking your phone or email, spend five minutes setting your intention for the day. “I choose to respond from wisdom, not fear.” “I am building a peaceful life for my children and myself.”

The 24-hour rule: When you receive provocative communication from your ex, wait 24 hours before responding (unless it’s a true emergency). This gives your nervous system time to regulate.

Energy audit: Notice which people, activities, and environments elevate your emotional frequency versus who or what drains it. Make conscious choices about how you spend your limited emotional energy.

Frequency anchors: Identify specific activities that reliably shift you into higher emotional frequencies. Maybe it’s listening to certain music, calling your sister, walking in nature, or taking a hot shower. Use these strategically.

Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. One of my favorite activities is swimming laps. I was doing this at my local swimming pool, which was empty, just me, an elderly lady swimming laps too, and a woman with her two kids. So, I asked the lifeguards if they’d change the music to an 80s playlist for a bit, and they did. It was sheer heaven, swimming my laps to my favorite songs. My emotional frequency was dialed up to 11! The next day, I had some frequency-draining interactions, but my emotional reserves were high enough for me to brush them off.

Professional support: If you’re a victim of post-separation abuse, working with a trauma-informed therapist, as long as you can scrape together the money to do it, is a necessity, not a luxury. They can help you rewire the neural pathways that keep you trapped in survival mode.

The ripple effect of your healing

Every time you choose to operate from a higher emotional frequency, you’re doing more than just helping yourself. You’re:

• Breaking generational cycles of trauma

• Creating a calmer environment for your children

• Inspiring other survivors who are watching your journey

• Reducing your abuser’s power to destabilize you

• Building the life you deserve

Your frequency practice for this week

Daily check-ins: Three times a day (morning, midday, evening), pause and notice: “What emotional frequency am I operating from right now?” Don’t judge yourself. Just be aware.

Trigger mapping: When you notice yourself dropping into lower emotional frequencies, gently ask: “What just happened? What triggered this shift?” Understanding your patterns gives you power over them.

Frequency lifting: Identify one small action you can take today that moves you toward a higher emotional frequency. Maybe it's spending five minutes in your garden, calling a supportive friend, or watching your children laugh.

The truth about your journey

You didn’t choose this battle, but you’re fighting it with incredible courage. Some days, you’ll operate from higher emotional frequencies with incredible ease. Other days, you’ll find yourself trapped in the emotional basement, and that’s completely normal.

When you’re experiencing post-separation abuse and trying to heal, the journey is going to be full of twists and turns, dead ends, and rocky roads. And through it all, you’re gradually shifting your baseline frequency higher, one choice at a time.

Your abuser wants you to stay stuck in fear, chaos, and reactivity. Every time you choose to respond from a place of calm strength instead of triggered desperation, you’re winning.

Your emotional frequency is one of the most powerful tools you have for creating the life you and your children deserve. Your abuser can send those emails, file those motions, and continue their games, but they can’t control how you choose to respond.

That power belongs to you.

Want to know how I can help you?

Dealing with the emotional rollercoaster you find yourself on from post-separation abuse takes more than just understanding your emotional frequencies. It requires strategic support and practical tools to help you maintain your higher emotional frequencies consistently.

As a certified high-conflict divorce coach, I understand the unique challenges you're facing. I've walked this path myself, and I know how exhausting it is to constantly manage your emotional responses while you’re protecting your children and building your new life.

I know things have been tough lately, so feel free to contact me for a 30-minute consultation, free of charge, where you can get it all off your chest. You’ll leave our session with clarity on the outcomes you want and your main priorities, whether or not you decide to continue working with me.

Want to know more about what I do?

Resources

If you're struggling to shift your emotional frequency consistently, You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life by Jen Sincero offers powerful tools for breaking free from limiting beliefs and self-sabotaging patterns. I borrowed it from my local library a couple of weeks ago, and it’s been my go-to read when I want a positive boost. I’m going to have to buy it because it’s not the kind of book you just read once.

While Sincero's book isn't specifically about post-separation abuse, her approach to identifying and dismantling the mental patterns that keep us stuck resonates deeply with the emotional frequency work I talked about in this newsletter. She tackles the universal human tendency to operate from fear, self-doubt, and limiting beliefs—emotional frequencies that abusive relationships often amplify and reinforce.

What makes this book particularly relevant to your journey is Sincero's focus on reclaiming your personal power. Years of abuse can leave you disconnected from your own strength and intuition. Sincero's irreverent, no-nonsense approach helps you reconnect with the badass version of yourself that existed before your abuser tried to diminish you.

Her chapter on meditation and mindfulness offers practical tools for staying grounded when triggers hit. And her discussions about fear, how it shows up, how it holds us back, and how to move through it anyway, can be incredibly helpful when you're trying to make decisions from higher emotional frequencies rather than from panic or desperation.

I should mention that Sincero's tone is direct and sometimes blunt. She challenges readers to stop making excuses and start taking action, which can feel intense when you're still healing from trauma. If you're in a particularly vulnerable place, you might want to read this alongside your therapeutic work rather than as a standalone solution.

That said, if you're ready to start rebuilding your confidence and reclaiming your power, Sincero's practical approach to mindset transformation can be exactly what you need to maintain those higher emotional frequencies we talked about. Sometimes we need someone to remind us that we're capable of so much more than we've been conditioned to believe.