🦚Before you accept your ex's ultimatum

Ten years ago, my ex-husband sent me an email that nearly destroyed my dream of staying in Canada with my four children. We’d moved here six years before, for his job. Two years into our stay, I left him. Now, he’d left Canada, and I was staying, building a life with my new partner and my four children.

I’d gone through the arduous process of applying for permanent residence and submitted all the forms. Then, I received an email from Immigration Canada. My documents were all in order (PHEW!!!!!), but there was just one thing left to do before my application could proceed.

A form giving our minor children permission to “immigrate” to Canada (even though they’d already been living there for six years) had to be completed and signed by my ex-husband.

This was his response to my request for him to do this:

All my dreams came crashing down around me.

Everything I’d done in standing up to him the last few years, all the effort I’d put into my permanent residence application, was for nothing.

His message was clear: You can’t hold me accountable AND build a good life.

You can’t use the legal system to protect yourself AND have your dreams. Choose one.

He was trying to frame his refusal to sign the forms as the natural consequence of choices I’d made. You tried to hold me accountable. Now you have to leave Canada.

But here’s what I realized: His revenge only worked if I accepted that his “no” was the end of the story, if I swallowed his version of the “choices” as the only ones I had.

This is a common abuse tactic: a false dilemma, choices framing, where the abuser defines a narrow, punitive menu of “options” that only serve their interests and reinforce their power.

This pattern has numerous variations when you’re dealing with an abusive ex in the context of a high-conflict divorce or custody battle:

• Drop child support or I’ll fight for custody.

• Agree to my schedule or you’re being difficult.

• Stop asking questions or you’re high conflict.

• Let me decide or we’ll never co-parent.

• Accept this “compromise” (i.e. something that only disadvantages you) or I’ll make things worse.

These aren’t real choices. They’re false ones, manufactured by the abuser. In every case, both options serve no-one’s interest but theirs. And both options are designed to punish you, while the real issue gets buried under their manipulation. They’re forcing you to choose between two bad outcomes, as if those were the only ones.

You can see clearly how illusory this frame is when you step out of it, into another one—the issues frame.

Frames are “cognitive shortcuts that people use to help make sense of complex information... by filtering people’s perceptions and providing them with a field of vision for a problem.”

Your ex’s false choice is a frame that filters your perception so you only see two options (both of them good for them, bad for you). They’re trying to focus on what you’ll LOSE if you don’t comply.

I remember times when my ex used this false binary frame on me when I was still married to him. Once, when I wanted to see a therapist by myself because he wouldn’t agree to marriage counseling, he said “You can’t decide to see a therapist, we have to decide as a couple that you can go to one.”

Later that week, my brain twisted into pretzels trying to make sense of his logic, I asked a colleague to help me understand his point of view. She reframed the issue in the most brutal, efficient way possible. She looked straight at me and said, “He’s abusing you.”

The effect on me was immediate. It was like that moment in the Matrix when Neo swallows the red pill and sees right through the illusory world he’s been living in.

I’d been operating within his frame, trying to find logic in it, and she cut straight through his false choice to name what was actually happening. The moment I stopped chasing logic in his words and named the abuse, everything changed. That’s when I began to see the power of reframing.

This is what shifting to the issues frame looks like. Instead of engaging with the false binary, you ask different questions. What’s actually happening here? What problem needs to be solved? What do the children / I / we actually need? These questions cut through the manipulator’s framing and reveal what’s actually going on.

That’s what I did when I got that email from my ex refusing to let our children stay in Canada. I didn’t just reframe the issue. I cut him right out of the picture.

I emailed Immigration Canada with a description of the abuse he’d subjected the children and me to through the years. I got in touch with our Member of Parliament, whose assistant called Immigration every second day. I submitted a motion to the family court to remove my ex’s parental authority for travel and passports. If none of that worked, I was prepared to go to the media and make a public stink about how Immigration was enabling domestic violence.

I was in downtown Montreal, coming from the courthouse where I was filing my motion, when my cellphone rang with an unknown number. I answered and over the racket, I heard someone say, "Hello, is that Rina?" I answered, “Yes it is.” The person on the other end said, "This is Justin, from Immigration Canada. We've approved your application for permanent residence for you and your children.”

That very morning, my MP’s assistant, Pat, had reached a female manager at Immigration Canada and begged her to look at my file and my letter, saying “This is a mother who’s been through hell and is just trying to support her kids and build a life.” The manager agreed to waive the requirement for those forms.

My ex wanted me to believe that his refusal was the be-all and end-all. That I’d have to pay for holding him accountable.

But once I stepped out of his frame and homed in on the real issue—how to bypass Immigration’s requirement for parental consent when one parent is abusive—I was able to see so many actions I could take. His “no” was just an obstacle with solutions around it, not an immovable wall around me.

False choice framing tricks you into believing that the manipulator’s binary choice is the only one, and that you have to pick between two bad outcomes they’ve designated. They want you to believe that their “choice” is the only one.

It isn’t.

When you catch yourself in this trap, stop. Don’t engage with their binary. Don’t try to negotiate between their two bad options.

Ask the issues frame questions instead:

• What’s actually happening here?

• What problem needs to be solved?

• What do I / the children actually need?

• What does the law/agreement/order actually require?

• What are ALL the possible solutions (not just the two they presented)?

These questions cut through the manipulation and reveal what you're really dealing with. And once you see the actual issue, you'll find solutions your ex never wanted you to consider.

When you refuse their false choices, you’re not being “difficult.”

You’re reclaiming your freedom to define what’s possible.

💡 Reflection Prompt:
When have you accepted a “choice” someone else framed for you? What might change if you reframed the issue around the real needs instead?

Want to know how I can help you?

If you're stuck trying to choose between bad options your ex has presented, or you’re exhausted from negotiating within binaries that only serve their interests, I know how paralyzing that feels.

Maybe you’re facing an ultimatum about custody, child support, or decision-making. Maybe you’re trying to find logic in their “choices” when the real issue is buried under manipulation. Or maybe you can see the trap but don't know how to step out of it without making things worse.

I’d like to offer you a space to identify what's actually happening in your situation. During a 30-minute consultation, free of charge, we’ll explore the false choices you’re being presented with and we’ll work to uncover the real issues underneath them.

You’ll gain clarity on what you’re actually trying to solve and what options exist beyond the binary your ex has framed. Whether or not we decide to work together after our call, you’ll walk away with a clearer perspective and practical reframing strategies you can use right away.

Want to know more about what I do?

Resources

Ursula K. Le Guin said, “There are no right answers to wrong questions.”

This article, on Framestorming, describes a number of ways to ask the right questions and reframe those so-called “options” your ex presents you with.

For instance, you could:

• Question assumptions: What is my ex taking for granted?

• Adopt the empathy angle: What does my child actually need here?

• Get creative: What if time/money/fear weren’t barriers? ​
  

💡 Try Framestorming on your ex's latest "choice":
Generate 5+ new questions (e.g., "What problem are we really solving?"). Pick 2 that empower you.

BTW, my upcoming book, AI Armor: Your Digital Defense Solution for Coparenting with a Narcissist, opens with my immigration story—and then shows you how to use AI tools to protect yourself from the kind of manipulation I just described. It’s being formatted right now, but if you’re interested in a free, early copy in exchange for a testimonial for my website (anonymous, of course), reply to this email with book and I’ll send you a pre-release copy as soon as it’s available. Here’s a preview of the print cover.