🦚Why understanding your ex isn't "playing therapist"

I’m such an avid reader of Tina Swithin's Lemonade Wisdom newsletter that I always click eagerly to open it about 10 nanoseconds after it lands in my inbox. Her latest newsletter did not disappoint. It also triggered some new thoughts on something that’s been bothering me for a while.

Tina recognizes that not all abusive exes are the same. Some are “5K runners” who burn out quickly when their facade crumbles. Others are “marathoners” or even “ultramarathoners” with sophisticated long-term impression management skills who can charm judges and keep their mask firmly in place for years.

In this newsletter, she also wrote about profiling narcissists in custody battles by asking questions like:

• What are their deepest wounds, insecurities, and sources of shame?

• What were their relationship patterns growing up and in adulthood?

• How do they respond to authority?

• Do they hold long-term jobs or clash with supervisors?

• What does their profession reveal about their personality and strategies?

• Any criminal history or arrests where the mask slipped?

Here's what struck me: Tina's approach directly contradicts the prevailing orthodoxy in the domestic violence field.

The orthodoxy says male abusers are calculated and rational

The standard domestic violence framework insists that all male abusers operate identically. They all make strategic, calculated choices to abuse so they can maintain power and control. They're all equally rational, equally strategic, and equally capable of controlling their behavior when it suits them.

If you've ever dealt with a women’s shelter, you've probably been told: “Don't try to understand why he does what he does. Just know that it's a choice. He chooses when, how, and whom to abuse.” This orthodoxy dominates frontline domestic violence services.

But if this were true, if all male abusers really were making the same calculated strategic choices, then Tina's profiling would be pointless. Why would you need to assess their different capacities, response patterns, or psychological makeup (especially their deepest wounds and sources of shame) if they're all operating from the same rational playbook? Why bother to look at their childhood relationships if they’re just consciously deciding to be abusive? Why would clashes with supervisors matter if they only abuse in private?

Calling male abusers strategic does female victims a disservice

Tina's success with thousands of cases proves the orthodoxy wrong. Abusers aren't all the same. They have:

• Different psychological drivers

• Different strategic capabilities

• Different behavioral patterns that call for different responses

• Different relationships with authority

• Different abilities to maintain their public mask

Some abusers are impulsive and can’t maintain their facade. They’ll clash with judges and implode relatively quickly. Others have sophisticated long-term strategic capabilities and can charm authority figures for years.

This is practical intelligence that affects your safety and your children’s wellbeing. Knowing whether your ex is a “5K runner” or an “ultramarathoner” completely changes how you should respond to him.

What you've been told vs. what actually works

The domestic violence field tells you that understanding your ex’s psychology and the existence of a possible personality disorder is tantamount to “making excuses” for him. But there’s a massive difference between making excuses and developing tactical intelligence.

After years of living with your ex, you’ve gained sophisticated pattern recognition. You know:

• Which situations will trigger his rage

• How he treats different people based on what they can do for him

• When he’s ramping up for another court battle

• What will set off a torrent of angry texts

• How he behaves differently in public vs. private

Proponents of the “all male abusers are making a choice” view say that when you try to understand what’s behind your ex’s abusiveness, you’re “playing therapist.” They’re ignoring the fact that you’re deploying tactical intelligence that you've earned through experience.

You can spot the patterns as clearly as you'd recognize that someone has a broken leg when it's bent the wrong way.¹ Yes, ultimately someone needs to be diagnosed and treated by a trained, qualified practitioner. But you’re not in the job of treating them. Your job is to protect yourself and your children, armed with what you know and can deduce about your ex.

The hidden gender double standard

There's another thing that bothers me about the orthodox approach. It's so focused on male abusers as calculated strategic actors that it can't handle any abuse dynamics that don't fit this narrow framework.

The feminist approach to intimate partner violence was absolutely necessary. It countered decades of victim-blaming narratives where abuse was dismissed as uncontrollable anger, mental illness, or something the victim provoked. The “abuse is about power and control, not loss of control” framework saved lives and changed laws.

But maybe we've thrown out the baby with the bathwater.

Female abusers? They're largely erased. They’re either minimized as statistically insignificant, reframed as acting in self-defense, or just downright ignored because the framework wasn't built to accommodate them. When female abuse is acknowledged at all, it's typically explained as emotional reactivity or trauma responses rather than strategic choice.

This creates an unspoken gender assumption that perpetuates outdated stereotypes: men who abuse are rational and calculating, while women who abuse are emotional and reactive. It's the same tired old “men are rational, women are emotional” binary that's been used to dismiss women for centuries, just slathered in a progressive veneer.

Abuse in LGBTQ relationships? The gendered power analysis falls apart.

Male victims? They don't fit the “male perpetrator seeks power over female victim” narrative.

The orthodoxy is so ideologically rigid that it can't even acknowledge the full spectrum of abusive behavior, let alone provide useful guidance for survivors dealing with different types of abusers.

Why your observations about your ex matter

The most effective survivors I work with are those who understand their ex’s specific psychological blueprint. They can:

• Predict what will trigger his next explosion

• Know which custody exchanges will go smoothly and which will involve manufactured drama

• Recognize the subtle signs that he’s planning his next legal attack

• Understand why certain approaches work with him while others backfire

They’re not trying to fix their ex or understand him for closure. They’re using their hard-won knowledge strategically.

If your ex is the type who can’t control himself around authority figures, you might be able to let him show his true colors in court and deploy your knowledge of his psychological triggers. But if he’s the type who can charm judges while terrorizing you privately, you need a completely different long-term strategy.

Trust your expertise

Understanding your ex’s psychology doesn’t mean that you’re excusing his behavior and enabling him. It does exactly the opposite. It gives you power.

When you recognize that his sudden “concern” about the children always coincides with your dating someone new, you’re identifying a predictable psychological pattern driven by his inability to see you as separate from himself.

When you realize his explosions follow narcissistic woundings, you’re gathering intelligence that can protect you and your children and adapting your strategy accordingly.

When you understand that he treats people differently based on what they provide for his self-image, you’re learning how his mind works so you can stay three steps ahead.

The bottom line

You’ve lived through this. You’ve survived this. You know things about your ex that no professional who meets with him for a couple of hours will ever understand.

Your pattern recognition is valid. Your observations matter. The intelligence you’ve gathered and the signs you consistently noted are real expertise.

Don’t let anyone convince you that understanding your abuser’s psychology makes you an enabler. The orthodoxy that tells you to ignore psychological patterns isn’t serving you. It’s keeping you reactive instead of strategic.

Knowledge is power. Especially uncomfortable knowledge about the person who’s trying to control your life.

You have every right to use that knowledge to protect yourself and your children.

Stop second-guessing your own observations.

If you’re tired of being told to ignore the patterns you clearly see, or feeling like you’re “not allowed” to understand your ex’s psychology, you need more than validation. You need clarity about what you’re really facing and how to move forward strategically.

Feel free to contact me for a 30-minute consultation, free of charge, where you can finally speak freely about what you've observed.

In our conversation, you’ll have space to share your insights about your ex’s behavioral patterns without being told you’re “playing therapist” or “making excuses.” Together, we’ll explore your situation more clearly, separating what you can strategically use from what might be keeping you stuck.

You’ll walk away with a clearer understanding of your challenges and what’s truly standing in your way, whether or not we decide to work together.

Want to know more about me and how I can help you take back your power from your ex?

Resources

I honestly can’t think of a more suitable resource for this week’s newsletter than the email from Tina Swithin that inspired it. If you’re interested in checking out her profiling course, you can do so at this link. And if you’d like to subscribe to her Lemonade Wisdom newsletter yourself, go here and scroll down to the very bottom.

Profiling the Narcissist...and Why It Matters—by Tina Swithin

If you’re in the middle of a custody battle with someone you believe to be a narcissist, I want you to know something before we go any further: I see you.

I know what it feels like to be exhausted, scared, and unsure of who to trust. I know what it’s like to desperately search for answers online, only to be met with conflicting advice, scary statistics, and people who seem to have all the answers...until you implement their advice and it blows up in your face.

I also know how easy it is to believe that all narcissists operate the same way. In some ways, they do have a predictable playbook. But here’s the hard truth: every narcissist is unique, and your strategy must be shaped around your specific situation.

That’s why I cringe at a lot of what I read online. I’m grateful these conversations are happening and that awareness is growing ...but much of what’s shared is misguided, oversimplified, and even dangerous. In high-stakes custody cases, that can be devastating.

We have self-proclaimed experts giving advice based entirely on their own cases. That’s reckless. If I had done that in 2011 when I started One Mom’s Battle, I would have hurt people. Instead, I spent two years quietly immersed in the court system, studying case after case before offering guidance to anyone.

Here’s the reality: the way I would respond to my ex might be the worst possible way for you to respond to yours. Judges are different. Court professionals are different. Local court culture is different. There are hundreds of variables that change the game. 

Think of it like a race...

Family court is an ultramarathon. Some narcissists are only capable of running a 5K or a 10K — they come out of the gate too fast, burn themselves out, and eventually spiral. Others are half marathoners, full marathoners, or even ultramarathoners, with enough impression-management skill to pace themselves for the long haul.

It's so important for us to step back and really gauge who we are up against. 

From a strategy perspective, there are times I look at cases and it takes everything in me not to say, "I know this is brutal right now and I know you feel like you can't even find your oxygen mask but...the person you are up against is the type you want to be up against."

Obviously, no one wants to be up against any type of toxic, abusive human but for purposes of strategy and this conversation… there are certain types where I can predict a fiery implosion sooner rather than later. 
 
I watched an interview yesterday with Dr. Z and reality TV star, Britney Cartwright. Her (soon-to-be) ex-husband, Jax Taylor will be a 10K runner. As awful as he is, I’d rather face someone like him in court — entitled, arrogant, and incapable of self-reflection. His mask is already off, and half the time, he can't even find it. But a marathoner? They’ll charm authority figures, present well, and keep the mask firmly in place. Those are the most challenging opponents.

It's challenging to do when you're in it but this type of reframing and looking at things under a strategy spotlight is critical.

When I profile a narcissist, I look at:

• Their deepest wounds, insecurities, and sources of shame

• Relationship patterns growing up and in adulthood

• How they respond to authority

• Career patterns — do they hold long-term jobs or clash with supervisors?

• What their profession reveals about their personality and strategies (is it a doctor with a God complex, or someone in sales who's livelihood is based on their impression management skills)

• Any criminal history or arrests (a sign the mask slips)

Without a deep profile, you’re navigating blindly. When children’s safety is at stake, blind navigation isn’t an option. In my coach training course, I provide students with an extensive exercise on profiling and almost every time I hear, "I've thought I knew everything but this deep dive was eye-opening. I wish I had this in the beginning of my own battle."

If you’ve ever felt confused about what to do next, or frustrated that a piece of advice worked for someone else but not for you, you’re not alone. That’s exactly why I created my Profiling the Narcissist course — to give you the tools to understand your opponent, anticipate their moves, and make informed choices in and out of court.

This is a conversation we need to keep having. How has profiling the narcissist in your life helped you with strategy in your custody case? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

With hope and solidarity,

Tina

1  I stole this analogy from George Conway.