🦚Wonder why you can't seem to lose your abusive ex?

Someone posted this on Threads recently:

This was one of the responses (from yours truly):

And then came this little nugget of a response:

I could basically stop this newsletter right now, but let’s dig down a bit deeper.

The delusion at the heart of coercive control

Here's something that most people don't understand about coercive controllers: they literally cannot comprehend that you exist as a separate human being with your own thoughts, feelings, and the right to make decisions about your own life.

To them, you're not an independent person who left them and has the right to move on with your own life. You're a malfunctioning extension of themselves that needs to be fixed, controlled, or brought back into line.

You’re not the only one they treat like this. They’re stuck at a stage of their development where they view everyone as an extension of themselves.

This explains why they'll say things like “Everyone thinks you're crazy” or “My therapist agrees that you're too sensitive” or “All our friends are worried about you.” In reality, they're thinking you're crazy, they reckon you're too sensitive, they're worried about controlling you. Since everyone else is just an extension of them, of course, everyone must think the same thing.

It's not manipulation (well, not entirely). This is genuinely how they experience the world. Other people don't have independent thoughts that might differ from theirs. Other people exist to validate their reality. This is also one reason why they triangulate, are entitled, violate boundaries, and take credit for other people’s accomplishments, or appropriate other people’s belongings without so much as a by-your-leave. They go by the motto “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is also mine.” Including your life decisions, your money, your equipment, your car, and your half of the family home.

This is why the husband in that thread could threaten divorce, custody, and financial ruin in one breath, then act genuinely shocked and hurt when called an enemy. In his mind, he wasn't being abusive. He was just managing his property. The bills he pays aren't generosity; they're evidence of ownership. And surely everyone can see that he's the reasonable one here, because how could they think differently than he does?

When “no possibility of reconciliation” breaks their brain

My ex's refusal to sign divorce papers containing those five words ”no possibility of reconciliation” wasn't out of love or hope. It came from his fundamental inability to accept that I had moved on without his permission.

In his reality, relationships don't end until he decides they end. My feelings, my choices, my new life—none of that mattered because I wasn't real to him as a separate person making autonomous decisions.

This is why they:

• Show up uninvited years later expecting to be welcomed

• Continue making major assumptions about your life and decisions

• Act shocked when you've changed, grown, or built something new

• Refuse to sign papers, finalize divorces, or acknowledge endings

• Keep trying to pull you back into old patterns and dynamics

They're not operating from the same reality as you. You've moved on. They're still managing what they see as a wayward extension of themselves.

It’s also why I want to vomit whenever I see a movie about warring exes getting back together. I don’t know about you, but that’s a huge trigger for me.

The game you’re not playing anymore

The most liberating realization is this. You don't have to make them understand.

You don't have to:

• Convince them you've moved on

• Get their permission to be done

• Wait for their acknowledgment of the ending

• Explain your growth or changes

• Justify your new boundaries

Their inability to see you as separate isn't your problem to solve. It's their fundamental limitation.

When you stop trying to get them to understand your autonomy and just live it, you step out of their game entirely. You stop playing by rules that only exist in their distorted reality.

Understanding their delusion frees you

Once you understand that they can't see anyone as separate, their behavior becomes predictable rather than confusing:

Of course they act like they still have a say in your decisions. In their mind, they do.

Of course they're shocked by your boundaries. To them, you're setting boundaries with yourself.

Of course they can't give you closure. They can't acknowledge something they can't comprehend.

Of course they claim “everyone” agrees with them. In their reality, everyone just parrots their own thoughts.

Of course they’re baffled when people side with you. How could anyone think differently than they do?

This explains so many of their confusing behaviors: why they’ll tell your children that you’re the problem and seem genuinely surprised when the kids don't immediately agree. (My ex couldn’t understand how our kids still loved me when I destroyed our family.) Why they'll contact your friends or family expecting them to “talk sense into you.” Why they stop talking to people who don’t align 100% with their view of the breakup.

They're not playing 4D chess. They're not master manipulators with complex strategies. They're operating from a fundamentally broken understanding of human consciousness where other minds just don't exist separately from theirs.

When you understand the game, you can stop playing it.

Your freedom doesn't require their comprehension. You don’t need them to sign on the metaphorical dotted line, so you can move on.

You already won when you stopped believing their rules were real.

Want to know how I can help you?

Are you tired of trying to make sense of your ex's behavior? Ready to stop playing by rules that only exist in their distorted reality?

If you're struggling with the ongoing challenges of post-separation abuse and looking for a way to reclaim your power, I'm here to help. Book a 30-minute consultation, free of charge with me, and let's explore how you can move forward with clarity and confidence. During our conversation, we'll identify your biggest challenges and what you're hoping to achieve.

Sometimes, having the right conversation can be exactly what you need to gain clarity and move forward with confidence.

Want to know more about what I do?

Resources

There’s an ongoing debate in the domestic violence arena around whether it’s helpful to label abusers with personality disorders. This field is divided up into the “abusers choose to behave the way they do” segment and the “all abusers are narcissists” segment. I understand and agree with the perspective that people are too quick to label anyone who acts like an asshole as a narcissist, and I think the term is thrown around far too often.

On the other hand, I think that a significant number of abusers are driven by underlying personality disorders. If they’re men, this is exacerbated by a patriarchal society that enables and fosters gender inequality and creates the power imbalance that makes gender-based violence so iniquitous and dangerous.

I also understand that not all personality disorders are alike and some are unfairly stigmatized. And that even within personality disorders, people fall along a spectrum. Someone who’s been diagnosed with NPD and has a degree of self-awareness that enables them to seek treatment isn’t the same as a malignant narcissist.

I believe both perspectives have merit, but more importantly, I think the debate itself misses what actually matters most: helping victims understand and strategize around the specific dynamics they're facing. You’re not stigmatizing your ex by reading up on personality disorders. Your ex is an abuser and you’re just finding out all you can to protect yourself.

Whether your abuser is driven by narcissistic personality disorder, societal conditioning, personal choice, or some combination of all three, the patterns of behavior remain remarkably consistent. The threats, the manipulation, the inability to see you as separate from themselves are all tactics that follow a predictable playbook.

And the field of abnormal psychology is where you’ll find the key to uncovering these tactics. Regardless of whether someone has a formal diagnosis, the field has already mapped out these behavioral patterns in ways that can help you, as a victim recognize and respond to them.

In that vein, I’d like to present this week’s resource. It’s Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger.

Look, I get it if the title makes you roll your eyes a bit. You might be thinking, “Great, another book slapping labels on my ex.” But this book isn't really focused on diagnosing anyone. It's written to help you understand the specific tactics and behaviors you're likely encountering and, more importantly, how to protect yourself and your kids from them.

Eddy and Kreger have spent decades working with high-conflict divorces, and they've seen these patterns play out thousands of times. They know exactly how someone with these traits will try to manipulate the legal system, turn your children against you, and make your life hell during and after divorce. Whether your ex has a clinical diagnosis or not, the strategies in this book will help you stay one step ahead.

What I love about this book is that it's incredibly practical. There’s no theoretical mumbo-jumbo about personality disorders. This book is a roadmap for surviving the chaos your ex is trying to create and coming out on the other side with your sanity and your kids’ resilience intact.