🦚Why this "helpful" advice is actually dangerous for abuse victims

A few weeks back, I was in a workshop for divorce coaches, learning about a powerful de-escalation technique. The aim of it is to help people feel heard by naming and validating their emotions.

The presenter, who’d created the technique, was enthusiastic about his modality and knowledgeable about other de-escalation techniques. He also had strong opinions on them, some of which resonated with me. I found his technique quite useful in the right contexts.

But it was the other contexts that bothered me. So, I stuck my hand up and asked about when this technique might not be appropriate to use. The presenter replied that it shouldn’t be used in the context of physical abuse. I asked another question: what about coercive control?

That was fine, said the presenter.

But what about sexual coercion? I asked.

Go ahead and use it, he said.

Where that advice falls flat

Here’s what I know from research that the presenter apparently didn’t consider: Coercive control is a better and more consistent predictor of femicide than physical abuse alone.

So telling someone it’s safe to use de-escalation techniques in situations involving coercive control is potentially deadly advice.

And then, even someone with an outdated view of domestic violence should be able to see that sexual coercion is not “less dangerous” than physical violence. It’s actually also a form of physical violation. Your body is being violated, and I can tell you from experience that years later, your body will remember and react to that violation in the form of PTSD responses to triggers like intimate medical examinations.

In that moment in the workshop, I felt shut down and invalidated. Like I was being difficult rather than raising a legitimate safety concern.

So, I switched right off from what he was saying. I sat there, seething and trying to calm myself down for the next 20 minutes.

Years ago, I cornered John Gray (yes, the “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus” guy) and asked him why his book enabled abusers by making victims think they needed to fix their relationship.

He mumbled something about how people in dysfunctional relationships would “just know” his book wasn’t for them.

As someone who spent decades in a dysfunctional relationship, reading every relationship book I could find, trying to fix it, I can tell you: that’s garbage.

And this situation felt eerily similar. Another well-meaning expert with a blind spot so big you could drive a truck through it.

Why these techniques can be dangerous with coercive control

A bit later, someone asked about using this technique on people with narcissistic personality disorder, and I jumped back in with my misgivings. After some back and forth, we finally decided we could all agree that this is a great way for us, as divorce coaches, to create emotional safety for our clients and help them create emotional safety for their kids. But I had to stick my neck out and push back against an authority figure who was entrenched in the all-round applicability of his approach.

Here’s what the workshop materials didn't say, but desperately needed to:

These techniques work when there’s appropriate power dynamics and existing safety. They fail—and can even be dangerous—when there’s a fundamental power imbalance.

Think about what naming someone’s emotions really means in an abusive relationship:

You’re taking responsibility for managing the abuser’s emotional state. Again.

You’re doing more emotional labor. Again.

You’re staying engaged in trying to make things work. Again.

You’re treating intentional abuse and manipulation as if it’s just an emotional regulation problem. Again.

It frames the relationship dynamic as dependent on your performance of emotional labor. And when it doesn't work (because how could it, given the power imbalance?), you blame yourself for not doing it right.

It’s just more victim-blaming, dressed up in therapeutic language.

The systemic entrapment pattern strikes again

This is textbook systemic entrapment, something I've written about before.

Instead of professionals saying “this person is dangerous, you need to protect yourself,” they say “here's a technique you can use to manage them better.”

All the work. All the risk. All the responsibility. On the person who's already being victimized. And if that person is prone to fawning as a fear response, it just reinforces this pattern.

Also, when the victim tries to de-escalate by naming the abuser’s emotions, it hands the abuser a tool that makes it even easier to gaslight their victim.

Meanwhile, the abuser does nothing. Changes nothing. Takes no responsibility.

As usual.

When these techniques ARE helpful

Don’t get me wrong. Naming and validating someone’s emotions are genuinely powerful tools and I’m not dismissing them out of hand. But context matters.

They work when you're:

• Helping your child process difficult emotions

• Supporting a friend who’s activated and needs to feel heard

• Building connection in relationships with appropriate power dynamics

• Creating safety rather than trying to survive when there’s no safety

• Using them to regulate yourself and gain clarity into your feelings when you’re being threatened, manipulated, or gaslighted

They can be (I’d go so far to say, they are) counterproductive when:

• You’re using them with a coercive controller

• You’re using them with someone who’s manipulating you

• You’re in any situation with a fundamental power imbalance

• You fear any kind of retaliation (not just physical violence)

Trust your gut

This is what I learned, as I fought to be heard in that workshop:

If you’re thinking of using any communication or de-escalation technique with your ex (this guy is followed by a lot of family court mediators on LinkedIn, BTW), check in with yourself first.

What emotions do YOU feel when you think about engaging with your ex?

Fearful? (Anxious, worried, afraid, terrified, unsafe) → That’s a red flag.

Disrespected? (Ignored, unheard, invisible, powerless) → That’s a warning sign.

Ashamed or obligated? (Guilty for not trying, responsible for managing their emotions) → Pay attention to that

Abandoned or worthless? (Like you have to earn safety or cooperation) → Is it worth it?

These emotions are telling you something critical: there’s a power imbalance, and it's not safe.

Trust your gut

Just because an expert teaches you a technique doesn’t mean it's appropriate for your situation.

Just because something works in healthy relationships doesn’t mean it works in abusive ones.

Just because you’re told to “communicate better” doesn’t mean the problem is your communication.

And just because you feel frustrated or dismissed when you raise these concerns doesn’t mean you’re wrong.

Sometimes your feelings aren't something to be “de-escalated.” They’re information.

Trust them.

Tired of “expert” advice that ignores the reality of your situation?

I get it. You’ve probably been told to “communicate better” or “try this technique” by well-meaning professionals who don’t understand the power dynamics you’re dealing with. It’s exhausting to keep explaining why standard relationship advice doesn’t work when you're facing coercive control.

If you’re looking for a conversation that’s a refreshing change from this, you’re welcome to book a 30-minute consultation, free of charge, with me, where you’ll have the chance to:

• Share the specific challenges you’re facing without having to justify or explain why “normal” advice doesn’t work for you.

• Gain clarity on the outcomes you truly want for yourself and your children.

• Identify the obstacles that have been keeping you stuck, including advice that’s actually been harmful.

• Discover how coaching with someone who actually understands power imbalances and post-separation abuse can help you get on top of things.

Whether or not we decide to work together, you’ll walk away with more clarity about your situation and what approach will actually serve you. Sometimes just being heard by someone who truly gets it can be the turning point you need.

Want to know more about what I do?

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Don’t get me wrong, I’m not universally panning the approach I wrote about above. As I said, I think it’s a great way to create emotional safety for your children and to de-escalate in a situation where you’re not dealing with someone who’s abusing you, and also to de-escalate your own feelings when you’re emotionally charged and you need to be calm. If you want to know more about the method, feel free to respond to this newsletter and ask me about it.

In the meantime, here are some critiques of non-violent communication (which isn’t this method but is similar in many ways) in relation to power imbalances and abusive relationships. These critiques are equally relevant to this method, which is less well-known.