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đŚ Divorcing a narcissist and no-one gets it?
Strategies to stay one step ahead
Rina Groeneveld
September 06, 2024
As a victim of post-separation abuse, it often feels like youâre screaming into a void and nobody can actually see what youâre going through.
đ Domestic violence agencies and shelters are all about relationship abuse and the time immediately after separation. They donât take into account that victims are saddled with their abusers until their youngest child ages out.
đ The huge majority of family lawyers are either interested in mediating an often unmediatable dispute and making their clients feel invalidated, or making money by escalating the conflict.
đ Judges are swamped, dealing with the gazillion cases that turn up in their courtroom every day and don't have the time or are too jaded to do more than scratch the surface of your case.
đ And child protective services? Sure, theyâre all over physical safety. But when it comes to the covert psychological warfare that leaves no bruises? Thatâs practically invisible to them.
They all think they're dealing with something different, and each of them is wrong. In the meantime, the victims of post-separation abuse are tumbling through the cracks left wide open by the system.
It reminds me of the famous parable of the blind men and the elephant.
A group of blind men heard that a strange animal, called an elephant, had been brought to the town, but none of them were aware of its shape and form. Out of curiosity, they said: "We must inspect and know it by touch, of which we are capable".
So, they sought it out, and when they found it they groped about it. The first person, whose hand landed on the trunk, said, "This being is like a thick snake". For another one whose hand reached its ear, it seemed like a kind of fan. As for another person, whose hand was upon its leg, said, the elephant is a pillar like a tree-trunk. The blind man who placed his hand upon its side said the elephant, "is a wall". Another who felt its tail, described it as a rope. The last felt its tusk, stating the elephant is that which is hard, smooth and like a spear.
In that story, the only character with an overall perspective is the elephant itself.
The elephant is you.
Youâre the only one who actually understands what youâre actually facing. The professionals, institutions, and other outside parties whose job is to help you and your children are only grasping the bits of your situation that they perceive. All too frequently, they miss the nuances and complexities of post-separation abuse.
In the meantime, you and your children are forced to tiptoe through the minefield your ex lays down, without any real help.
In an earlier newsletter, I wrote about systemic entrapment and how it enables abusers and keeps you and your children stuck in an abusive relationship, even after youâve left. This cycle operates because each part of the support system is narrowly focused on checking its own boxes and looks right past the reality of your ongoing struggles.
As an abuse victim and the victim of systemic entrapment, you donât have a lot of control over that system. So what should you do when youâre the elephant, the whole damn elephant, and nothing but the elephant?
Channel your inner elephant
đ Like an elephant uses its tail to flick away pests, use documentation to swat away the lies and accusations from your ex. Keep everythingâtexts, emails, interactions. When they go low, you go archiving.
đ Your trunk is powerfulâuse it to reach for better resources. New lawyer? Therapist who gets it? Support group with teeth? Grab it. Hold on tight.
đ Those big floppy ears? Theyâre not just for show. Listen to others whoâve been through it, learn from their mistakes and their wins. Knowledge is power, and power is something you need in spades.
đ Elephants have sturdy legs for a reason. Set your boundaries and stand firmly for whatâs right for you and your kids. No backsliding, no compromise where it counts.
đ Sometimes, you need to use those tusks to clear the path ahead. Legal avenues, restraining orders, custody battlesâfight for every inch.
đ Last but not least, toughen up that hide. Self-care isnât just spa daysâitâs building up your emotional resilience to weather the storms.
Want to know how I can help you?
One person who does get everything youâre going through is a high-conflict divorce coach. Because weâve been there ourselves. Weâre your strategy partner and weâve got a unique lens that we use to help you see things from different angles and perspectives.
On top of that, Iâm also a CDC Certified Divorce CoachÂŽ, and I empower you to take the reins in creating a new life as you explore your wants, feelings and core values.
Did someone forward this to you?
Resources
Iâm ashamed to say that Iâve had this book on my digital book pile for ages and Iâve been meaning to get around to reading it. And now that I did, I wish I did sooner. Itâs so relatable and so funny and well written that I didnât want it to end.
Itâs not just a fun, entertaining, yet profoundly insightful read, it also has a bunch of actionable strategies and scripts to help you set boundaries in various situations. And if you like writing, get your pen and paper ready because youâre going to be busy because there are exercises too!
Hereâs what you can find in the book (yes, I stole it from the blurb because itâs spot on):
⨠How to recognize when your boundaries have been violated and what to do next
⨠How your unique âBoundary Blueprintâ is unconsciously driving your boundary behaviors, and strategies to redesign it
â¨Powerful boundary scripts so in the moment you will know what to say
â¨How to manage âBoundary Destroyersââincluding emotional manipulators, narcissists, and other toxic personalities
â¨Where you fall on the spectrum of codependency and how to create healthy, balanced relationships
*Cringe ⤾
