🦚 Does your narcissist ex keep your kids' stuff?

One extremely apt adjective for a coercive controller is pernicious. This describes something or someone that causes harm in a gradual way, that’s not easily noticed.

During your relationship with them, their perniciousness makes it hard for other people, and even you as their victim, to realize the harm they’re doing until it’s often too late.

And afterwards? Well, if you have children with them, the ways in which they abuse and undermine are often so subtle and “normal-seeming” that when you point it out to others, you’re seen as over-reacting and hung up on trivialities.

Take, for instance, how so many coercive controllers’ homes are a Bermuda triangle of disappearing clothing, lunch boxes, and bottles. But this is no mystery—it’s just a common tactic deployed by so many narcissistic exes that I’m betting there are dozens of you reading this who are going “I feel so heard!”

It’s like being gaslit by a magician who specializes in vanishing acts

To outsiders, these might seem like tiny disruptions. “What? Why are you making such a big deal about a pair of gloves going missing?!!!” But for you, they’re constant reminders of the ongoing manipulation designed to keep you off balance and bleed out your bank balance, one drip at a time. Because I’m guessing that your ex is never the one who replaces these items, right?

So, what can you do to stem the tide of vanishing items?

Don’t make a big deal about it

The first tip is my cardinal rule for dealing with abusive exes. If this is something that really bothers you, never, ever let them see you sweat. By acting calm and composed and not going on about the lunchboxes, hats, gloves, bottles, and other items that you constantly have to replace, you’re depriving them of a big source of narcissistic supply, and they don’t get the extra satisfaction of seeing they’re hitting a nerve.

Accept the inevitable

Acting calm and composed is one thing, but now I’m asking you to take it up a level and learn to STAY calm and composed. It’s going to make things a LOT easier for you if you harness the power of radical acceptance. Stressing about this issue only hurts you. It doesn’t hurt your ex. In fact, you getting stressed out is exactly what your ex wants. So why fall into this trap? By accepting things as they are, on the other hand, you empower yourself to focus on what you can control and let go of the rest.

So, take a deep breath and then let go of the frustration. Now you’re ready to face the situation with clarity and strength. If you’re struggling with radical acceptance, check out this newsletter and this one.

Start thinking outside the box

One benefit of radical acceptance is that it frees up your brain to start thinking of creative solutions. Here’s how one of my clients dealt with this issue.

Document every single time

Maybe it seems petty to document every time your child comes home after being at the other parent without the hat or gloves you sent them out of your house wearing. And yes, when this happens occasionally, it is petty. But when it happens constantly, it’s a pattern. One day, when your ex drags you to court and accuses you of neglecting the kids, you’ll have the receipts right on hand, in the form of your documentation.

Documentation is also a great way to practice radical acceptance. Once it’s documented, let it go. By “it”, I mean your frustration, your anger, and your mental energy. Grab that notebook or open that app, jot it down, and release it from your mind. You’re killing two birds with one stone here—building your case and saving your peace of mind for the things that really matter.

Want to know how I can help you?

Are you tired of feeling like you're trapped in a never-ending game of manipulation and mind games with your ex? Do you wish you had a strategy to take back control of your life and protect your peace of mind? As a high-conflict divorce coach specializing in post-separation abuse, I'm here to help you break free from the cycle and reclaim your power.

Join me for a 30-minute discovery session where we'll look at your unique challenges and see how we can turn your situation around.

Don't let your ex's tactics dictate your life any longer. Book your session today and take the first step towards a future where you're not just surviving, but thriving. And if you want to know more about what I do...

Resources

"Playful Parenting" by Lawrence J. Cohen is a breath of fresh air if you're dealing with a manipulative ex and trying to keep things steady for your kids.

Cohen describes how you can use play to connect with your children, especially when words just aren't enough to express their feelings. Creating a playful environment can be a game-changer in the chaos of co-parenting with a difficult ex. It gives your kids a safe space to express themselves and helps you build a stronger bond with them. It also makes it easier to help them with difficult transitions.

What I love about "Playful Parenting" is its down-to-earth advice on meeting your kids right where they are. Silly games and imaginative play aren’t just ways to have fun with your kids. They also help you open up channels for communication and trust.

Cohen's approach also ties in beautifully with the concept of radical acceptance. By embracing play, you're helping your kids and giving yourself permission to let go of the stress while you focus on creating positive, loving experiences. If there’s one thing you can control, it’s how you show up for your kids, and this book will make your job easier.

All in all, "Playful Parenting" offers practical, heartwarming ways to nurture your relationship with your children. It's a fantastic resource for anyone looking to foster resilience and joy in their family, no matter what challenges are thrown their way.