🦚 Your child's future depends on signals you're missing

The first time I met Sarah (not her real name), she was convinced her upcoming custody evaluation would be a disaster. Her ex had already charmed the court-appointed psychologist, and every meeting left her feeling dismissed and misunderstood.

She’d also discovered that the evaluator had a reputation for misogyny and was biased against mothers who alleged abuse by their ex.

"He's going to push for joint custody," she told me, worry etched across her face. "And I think he'll say I'm alienating my kids from their dad."

After we strategized together, Sarah went into the evaluation with a clearer idea of what to watch for. When the evaluator kept pressing her to voice complaints about her ex-husband in front of her children, who were also in the evaluation, she recognized it immediately for what it was—a trap designed to pin her down as an alienating parent.

Even though the evaluator kept trying to provoke her, Sarah refused to take the bait. She stuck to her boundaries, stayed calm, and declined to say anything negative about her ex in front of her children.

"I dodged a huge bullet," she told me afterward. "He was laying a trap, hoping I would start badmouthing the father in front of my kids, and I didn’t fall into it."

Thanks to her preparation and her awareness of the evaluator's potential bias, Sarah avoided what could have been a devastating misstep. While the evaluator still recommended joint custody as expected, the critical alienation accusation that could have severely damaged her case was a no-show in his report.

Sarah's story illustrates the power of identifying "black swans" in custody evaluations. These are hidden factors that can completely transform the outcome of your case.

The term "black swan" comes from negotiation expert Chris Voss, who describes it as a piece of information that can completely transform the outcome of a negotiation. In his book Never Split the Difference, Voss explains that these are hidden, game-changing facts that shift the entire dynamic once they’re discovered.

In custody evaluations, black swans are those pieces of evidence or information that carry outsized influence with your particular evaluator. They're the specific factors that resonate deeply with this person who’s making recommendations about your children's future.

What makes black swans so powerful is that they're often not what you'd expect. While you might think the evaluator should care about a particular aspect of your case, their training, background, and personal experiences might make them give more weight to something totally different.

Every custody evaluator brings their own perspective to your case, shaped by their:

These influences create "trigger points", topics or evidence that they’ll give more weight to.

For example, an evaluator with a background in substance abuse counseling might be particularly attuned to even minor indicators of alcohol use, while one specializing in attachment theory might focus intensely on the quality of parent-child interactions during observations.

Before you even sit down for your first interview, do your homework:

This last point deserves special emphasis. Sarah's case illustrates how powerful information from reviews can be: discovering through multiple reviews that her evaluator typically favored the parent paying his fees completely changed her approach to the evaluation. Without this crucial insight, she might have walked straight into the alienation trap he set for her.

One client found out that her evaluator had done doctoral research on parental alienation. So, she proactively addressed this by getting evidence from teachers, medical professionals, and even her ex’s family members and his “new supply” that showed her consistent support for the father-child relationship in spite of his inconsistent involvement.

Remember that while online reviews can be insightful, they should be viewed as one piece of the puzzle. Look for patterns across multiple sources rather than relying on a single review, which might reflect an unusual experience or circumstance, or be posted by someone with an axe to grind.

Once you're in the evaluation process, become a detective looking for clues:

Recently, a client shared a powerful example of this detective work in action. During her evaluation, she noticed the evaluator’s eyes shift uncomfortably as she brought up a certain issue.

This non-verbal cue gave her valuable insight into the evaluator's perspective on this topic. Her close attention to when and how the evaluator's demeanor changed gave her critical information that helped her stay on top of the meeting.

Another effective technique is to use what Voss calls "calibrated questions". These are open-ended questions starting with "how" or "what" that can reveal the evaluator's thinking:

"What aspects of co-parenting do you find most important to assess?" "How do you typically evaluate a child's adjustment to different homes?" "What documentation do you find most helpful in these situations?"

Their answers can provide invaluable insights into their priority areas.

Sometimes an evaluator might counter your calibrated questions with calibrated questions of their own, as they try to hone in on your views without giving anything away. One way to deal with this is to respond with a combination of tactical empathy and accusation audit techniques:

“Well, I know you see lots of parents who are controlling about this issue, and I sometimes wonder if I’m being too controlling myself, which is why I was asking you, but this is how I deal with it…”

While each evaluator is unique, once you’ve discovered their black swan, certain categories of evidence can be used to leverage it:

How you present evidence once you’ve uncovered potential black swans is just as important as identifying them:

Even with powerful black swans, these missteps can derail your case:

One client was desperate to show the evaluator hundreds of text messages proving her ex's manipulation. Instead of overwhelming the evaluator, we selected just seven exchanges that demonstrated the pattern, presented them chronologically, and let them speak for themselves. This focused approach had far more impact than the original plan.

Remember why you’re looking for black swans. As I’ve mentioned in my previous newsletters, your aim here isn’t to show the evaluator or child protection worker how you’re right. What you’re doing is listening to them and finding out what’s important to them so that you can align your thinking with them and build a bridge. Once you’ve done that, they’ll hopefully be more open to your point of view. Then you can start presenting your evidence

I know this seems like a drawn-out and frustrating exercise. But the alternative is to go into these evaluations blind, missing crucial opportunities to connect with the person who has a huge influence over your children's future, and possibly even their safety.

Approaching evaluations with an "I’m going to prove I'm right" mindset often leads to disastrous outcomes. I've seen it countless times in the protective parents' groups I follow: a parent goes into an evaluation determined to make the evaluator understand every detail of the abuse they've endured, convinced that anyone who hears their story will immediately recognize the truth.

What happens next follows a devastatingly predictable pattern

When you focus on discovering what matters to your evaluator, you shift from an adversarial stance to a strategic one. You're not compromising your truth or your children's needs. What you’re doing is finding a more effective path to getting those needs recognized and addressed.

Do you feel like your voice isn't being heard in family court? Are you struggling to get professionals to consider crucial evidence about your children's well-being? I'm here to help you find a way through this.

I've helped parents develop effective communication strategies that overcome resistance and get their evidence considered, even when they're facing skeptical judges, evaluators, and court professionals.

Book a free 30-minute discovery call and leave with clarity on your specific challenges in family court and what goals you need to prioritize.

Your ability to influence court professionals can make all the difference in your case outcome. Let's take that critical first step together.

Want to know more about what I do?

When you’re looking for those critical "black swans" during custody evaluations, what's not being said can be just as revealing as what is. Former FBI counterintelligence officer Joe Navarro's guide to nonverbal communication is an essential resource for protective parents dealing with custody evaluations.

Unlike the countless body language books filled with pop psychology, Navarro's approach is grounded in science and decades of real-world experience interviewing suspects and witnesses. He breaks down how to recognize subtle signals, from eye movements and micro-expressions to changes in posture and breathing patterns, that can reveal when someone is uncomfortable, skeptical, or particularly engaged with specific information.

This knowledge is invaluable during evaluations. Imagine being able to identify exactly when your evaluator's interest peaks or when they're dismissing information without saying a word. These insights can help you adjust your approach in real time, focusing on what resonates and steering away from what doesn't.

What makes this book especially valuable is its focus on unconscious behaviors that people can't easily control. While evaluators might carefully manage their words, their bodies often tell a different story that can give you critical information about their true reactions and biases.

Whether you're preparing for an upcoming evaluation or reflecting on past interactions to identify patterns, Navarro's practical techniques will sharpen your ability to detect those game-changing black swans hiding in plain sight.

I hope you’ve gotten a lot out of these newsletters I’ve been writing the last few weeks, with deep dives into the minds of judges and hostage-negotiator techniques for dealing with evaluators. Honestly, as a language and communication geek, I could go on forever about this stuff, and I will definitely come back to it again. But next week, we’ll talk about what you can do when your ex undermines your authority with your children, because that newsletter’s already brewing on my back burner.