Andrea isn’t rich.
She’s a teacher and the single mom of 3 children. But for the last two years, she’s forked out close to $100,000 in legal fees. She’s had to remortgage her home and borrow money to pay lawyers.
Two years ago, Andrea’s ex was reported to child protection authorities after a teacher asked one of their kids about bruises on her leg and the child told the teacher that her father was beating her and her siblings with wooden implements. Since then, the father has only seen their kids supervised, and Andrea has had full custody.
She hoped it was the end of her nightmare, because now she doesn’t have to worry about what her children are subjected to at their father’s house. But it was just the start of another one.
When he had joint custody, the father kept Andrea in place with threats of litigation. For the last two years, he’s been making good on those threats.
For 26 months, instead of cooperating with them, Andrea’s ex has fought the child protection authorities via court proceedings. As their mother, she is also a party to every proceeding. So, he’s dragged them (and her) back to court over and over again. Demanding unsupervised access. Demanding custody. Filing motion after motion—29 court appearances in just over two years. Every few weeks, another hearing. Another opportunity to force Andrea to pay her lawyer a hefty fee to defend herself in a child protection case between her ex and the child protection authorities that has absolutely nothing to do with her.
He hasn’t acknowledged what his children disclosed. He hasn't taken any steps toward addressing the concerns. He hasn’t even maintained consistent supervised visits.
But he won’t stop litigating.
He’s wielding the only weapon he currently has at his disposal to control Andrea.
It’s common for abusive exes to turn family court into a tool for control after separation: dragging out cases for years, draining your money, keeping you terrified through endless filings and threats.
Does any of this sound like YOUR ex? Here are 8 common legal abuse tactics, straight from survivors like you. They’re happening in family courts everywhere:
Custody threats to keep you scared
Sounds like: Your ex threatens to “take the kids” if you don’t back down. They file for full custody or more time, but it’s really about punishing you, not parenting.
Why it hurts: You’re left terrified you’ll lose your children, so you give in just to make it stop.Forcing unsafe access through court
Sounds like: Threats to get more visits or unsupervised time, even though you know it’s risky. Actually going to court to change orders in dangerous ways.
Why it hurts: It forces you and the kids back into contact that feels unsafe, proving they still call the shots.Weaponized protection orders to flip the story
Sounds like: Threats to get a restraining order against you. Filing one with made-up or blown-out-of-proportion stories makes you look like the villain.
Why it hurts: Suddenly you’re the one who looks dangerous, while they get sympathy.Dragging court out forever
Sounds like: Endless court dates with no real point—just to wear you down. Switching lawyers, missing deadlines, or creating fake emergencies to stretch things out for years.
Why it hurts: You’re broke, exhausted, and trapped in the system while they watch you unravel. (Like Andrea's 29 hearings in 26 months.)Scaring you right in the courthouse
Sounds like: Stares, comments, invading your space, or creepy gestures in hallways or waiting rooms. Following you out, or using kid pick-ups/emails to sneak in threats.
Why it hurts: It screams, “I still own you, even here where you’re supposed to be safe.”Trashing you as a parent to the court
Sounds like: Telling the judge or evaluator you’re “crazy,” a liar, or using drugs (when you’re not). Saying you’re trying to turn the kids against them, or you’re just a “bad parent.”
Why it hurts: They’re poisoning everyone against you, so no one believes your side. BTW, even though many courts ignore domestic violence allegations from the past, allegations of alienation tend to stick.Calling in child protection or using your identity against you
Sounds like: Threats to call child protection services, or actually doing it with no real reason. Throwing your race, religion, being an immigrant, being queer, or the fact that you had an unconventional parenting style into court filings.
Why it hurts: It plays on biases, so the system sees you as the problem, not them.Starving you financially through court
Sounds like: Threats to stop child support, or just not paying. Filing to grab all the assets, or making so many court trips you can’t afford rent or you’re at risk of losing your job.
Why it hurts: No money means no lawyer, no safety net, no way out.
Researchers call this “legal abuse”—using court proceedings as a continuation of coercive control. They've even created a tool to measure it: the Legal Abuse Scale (LAS), published in the peer-reviewed Journal of Family Violence.
The scale identifies 14 specific behaviors that abusive exes use to weaponize family court. It breaks these behaviors into two subscales: harm to self/motherhood and harm to finances. The ones I listed above are the most common ones, or combine some of them.
Andrea’s still fighting, but now she sees the pattern. She’s tracking dates next to these tactics, showing her lawyer (motion after motion, no accountability), and reminding herself: the problem is him misusing the courts, not her “failing” at co-parenting.
At our courthouse, on the wall opposite the court clerk’s counter where lawyers and pro-se litigants file their motions, there’s a pinboard studded with judgments against vexatious litigants. These people are forbidden from filing any more motions without the court’s express permission. Andrea is working towards the day her ex’s name is on that board.
If your ex is a litigation abuser, start your list today.
Note the date each tactic happens. If you can, link it to anything that might have triggered your ex (e.g. a boundary you set or a payment they had to make).
Share the pattern (not just one incident) with a trusted advocate or lawyer.
Say out loud: “This is legal abuse. I’m not the problem.”
When your lawyer shrugs off yet another court delay caused by your ex, tells you it's “just conflict”, “this is how family court works”, or you need to “co-parent better,” point to this research and show them the pattern you’ve identified through your documentation.
Check down below in the Resources section for a prompt to help you identify legal abuse patterns in your case.
Book update
My book AI Armor: Your Digital Defense Solution to Coparenting With a Narcissist is nearly here. I just corrected the formatted manuscript, and my formatter is implementing those corrections now. To be honest, I go back and forth between feeling excited and sick to my stomach at the thought of being a published author. Check out this video of me reading from the book.
Did someone forward this to you?
Resources
First, here’s a general resource. Fresh Starts Registry, an innovative resource hub for anyone dealing with divorce, separation, or custody issues, has just published its second edition of Divorce Guide Magazine. It’s packed with useful articles like “10 Questions About Child Custody to Ask Your Divorce Lawyer” and “What To Do if Your Spouse is Draining Accounts During Divorce”.
And here’s the prompt I promised you earlier in this newsletter:
🤖 AI prompt: Identify legal abuse patterns in your case
Copy and paste this prompt into Aimee Says, ChatGPT, Claude, or your preferred AI chatbot, then fill in your details:
I need help identifying whether my ex-partner’s behavior in family court proceedings matches patterns of legal abuse as defined by the Legal Abuse Scale (LAS), a validated research tool published in the Journal of Family Violence.
The Legal Abuse Scale measures two types of harm:
Factor 1: Harm to Self/Motherhood
Threatened to use the court to take custody away
Actually took me to court to take custody away
Threatened to use the court to get unsafe access to children
Actually took me to court to get unsafe access
Threatened to use the court to punish me
Took me to court repeatedly
Took me to court when the only clear reason was to cause distress
Was dishonest about my character or mental health to professionals
Was dishonest about my ability as a parent to professionals
Told professionals I am trying to harm their relationship with the children
Factor 2: Harm to Finances
11. Threatened to withhold financial support
12. Actually withheld financial support
13. Threatened to take control of all assets
14. Actually took me to court to take control of all assets
Here’s my situation:
[Paste or describe your situation here. Include:
Timeline of court proceedings (how long, how many hearings)
Specific threats or actions your ex has taken
What they’ve told court professionals about you
Financial impacts (legal costs, support payments, asset disputes)
Any relevant context about safety concerns, child protection involvement, or abuse history]
Please:
Identify which LAS items match behaviors in my situation
Point out any patterns that suggest strategic use of courts for control rather than genuine parenting concerns
Help me understand the difference between legitimate custody disputes and legal abuse
Suggest what documentation would be most important to track going forward
Important notes for using this prompt:
What to include:
Specific dates and frequency of court filings
Exact language your ex has used in threats or court documents
Any inconsistencies (e.g., demanding custody but not showing up for visits)
Financial strain details (legal costs, withheld support, job impacts)
Context about why visits might be unsafe
What to keep private:
Your children’s full names (use initials or Child A, Child B)
Specific identifying details that could appear in discovery
Your lawyer’s strategy or advice
Details you haven’t already shared in court documents
Remember:
AI can’t provide legal advice
AI analysis doesn’t replace professional evaluation
In some jurisdictions, AI chat logs could potentially be discoverable
Use this tool to help YOU recognize patterns and document effectively
Always verify AI interpretations with your lawyer or advocate
After the AI analyzes your situation:
Save the analysis (screenshot or copy-paste) for your records
Create a tracking document with dates next to each LAS item that applies
Share the pattern (not the AI chat) with your lawyer or advocate
Use it to reframe what's happening: this is abuse, not conflict
Alternative: Simpler self-assessment prompt
If you prefer a shorter interaction, try this:
I’m experiencing what might be legal abuse—when an ex uses family court to continue controlling me after separation. Can you help me identify if these behaviors match the Legal Abuse Scale?
In the last [timeframe], my ex has:
[List specific behaviors: filed for custody X times, threatened to withhold support, told court I'm alienating the kids, etc.]
Do these behaviors suggest:
Legal abuse (using court as a weapon for control)
Legitimate custody concerns
A mix of both
Help me see the pattern.
What to do with the AI's analysis:
✓ Use it to:
Recognize you’re not crazy
Identify what to document going forward
Understand the control pattern
Prepare for conversations with professionals
✗ Don't use it to:
Diagnose your ex
Make legal decisions
Replace professional advice
Quote directly in court documents
This is a bridge to:
Better conversations with your lawyer
More effective documentation
Clearer understanding of why “co-parenting advice” doesn’t work in your situation
Validation that this is abuse, not conflict
Sample follow-up questions to ask the AI:
Once the AI has analyzed your situation, you can ask:
“Which of these behaviors suggest control versus genuine parenting interest?”
“What documentation would be most important to track?”
“How do I explain this pattern to a professional who thinks it's ‘just conflict’?”
“What’s the difference between a difficult co-parent and legal abuse?”
“Are there any red flags that suggest this could escalate?”
A note from me:
AI tools are incredibly helpful for pattern recognition and documentation planning. But they’re just one tool in your toolkit. The most important thing is that YOU recognize that what’s happening has a name, a pattern, and research backing it up.
