🦚Is your ex sabotaging your career?

“She knew she was pregnant when she started working there. She’s lying to you.”

The words hung in the air as the manager paused the recorded message from her employee’s boyfriend. The young employee sat there stunned. She’d discovered her pregnancy just before starting the job a week earlier, but hadn’t told them. She’d feared the company would take back their offer.

To her surprise, the manager didn’t fire her, or even castigate her. She was surprisingly supportive. "We have no problem with your pregnancy," she said. Then she added something that would change everything: "Your boyfriend is not looking out for you. You shouldn't trust him."

When she confronted him, her boyfriend claimed he'd called out of concern, worried that some work tasks might endanger the pregnancy. He denied accusing her of lying. That was the last straw. The mask had slipped. This woman made the gut-wrenching decision to leave him. Even more heartbreaking, she chose to terminate her pregnancy rather than be tied to a controlling man, who would so profoundly interfere with her professional autonomy, for the next 18 years.

This is an experience that too many victims of coercive controllers can relate to in some way or another. Recently, I wrote about financial abuse, which is a serious issue. But professional sabotage is even more invasive.

When an abuser targets your career, they’re not just trying to control your access to finances. Their goal here is to dismantle your professional identity, your confidence, and your very sense of capability in the world.

As one survivor told me, "Even with a sick kid, I would have found a way to make my career work. I'm incredibly resourceful—finding creative solutions is my superpower. But he tried to sabotage every solution I came up with to keep my job. He didn't just drain my bank account. He killed my professional confidence and self-trust."

Just like abusers undermine our parenting to make us believe we're inadequate mothers, they deploy professional sabotage to systematically destroy our ability to perform at work, manipulate situations so we can't meet our obligations, and then convince us we're incompetent or unworthy employees.

When I started collecting stories from survivors, disturbing patterns emerged. These tactics are calculated, cruel, and devastatingly effective.

Career sabotage is death by a thousand paper cuts, each one so small you barely notice until you're bleeding out professionally. An abuser doesn't just wake up one day and nuke your career. They chip away at it, methodically, relentlessly, under the guise of "what's best for the family."

The pattern gets even more twisted when you dare to succeed professionally. One woman's story lays this bare: "After staying home and working freelance for 10 years, I went back to work and within a few years made slightly—and I mean slightly—more than him. That's when the abuse went off the charts. It was always bad but it skyrocketed." Because nothing threatens a coercive controller quite like their victim's success.

Sometimes they don't even bother with the slow burn. One woman gave up a $100k job as a manager in the aerospace industry because her husband convinced her "it would be best for the family." She was thriving, and that was exactly the problem. Her success was killing him, so he killed her career instead.

Think leaving means you can finally focus on your career? That's when many abusers ramp up their tactics to DefCon 1, like the man who sent this message to his ex-wife.

These abusers resort to a host of tactics.

They:

• weaponize custody schedules against your work hours;

• manufacture child "emergencies" during crucial meetings;

• force unnecessary court appearances that bleed your time and resources;

• file baseless complaints with your employer;

• poison professional networks with strategic rumors;

• turn your work commitments into ammunition in custody battles.

When you're in the thick of it, when every day feels like another battle just to keep your job, it can seem impossible to imagine a thriving career.

But here's what I've witnessed time and time again: Once free from their ex’s chaos, and sometimes even while it’s ongoing, survivors don't just survive—they find ways to thrive. As one survivor shared:

The professional sabotage playbook is predictable. Here's how to flip their tactics on their head:

Your ex is counting on you looking "unstable" or "unreliable." Beat them at their own game:

• Track every childcare-related work interruption.

• Save every message about schedule changes or "emergencies".

• Record financial losses from their interference (one day, you might be able to sue them for lost income).

• Keep a timeline of workplace incidents.

• Document their refusal to accommodate your work obligations.

Don’t just collect evidence. Organize it strategically. When they try to paint you as the problem (and believe me, they will), you’ll have all the receipts.

Whether you're planning your exit or creating boundaries, here's how to protect your professional life and create an impenetrable barrier between your work and their chaos:

• Set up professional contact information they can't access.

• Use a parenting app for all custody communication.

• Develop multiple layers of backup childcare (networking with other survivors in your area is one way you can do this—imagine a “village” of you, helping each other).

• Build strategic alliances at work (if it’s safe to do so).

• Keep your professional and personal lives strictly segregated online.

Think of it like setting up your own personal firewall. Instead of blocking spam, you're blocking drama. Your ex can keep throwing their chaos at the wall, but it won't stick.

Your ex is playing checkers with your career, but you're playing chess:

• Build multiple income streams when possible.

• Build a side hustle that could become your main gig.

• Research companies with strong HR policies.

• Network with professionals who’ve overcome similar challenges.

• Look for programs in your area that help women in your situation.

• Develop skills that increase your market value.

• Research companies with strong support for parents.

• Look for positions offering flexibility and growth.

• Create a career plan that doesn't depend on their cooperation.

When your children are small, all of this is harder, but take hope from the fact that I know several women (myself included) who have started new careers in their 40s and 50s. My own mother divorced my father when she was 50 and left with nothing. She started a career as a nurse in another country and was able to buy her own house and travel the world. She’s still travelling in her 80s.

Professional sabotage is a naked power play, designed for one purpose: keeping you financially and professionally hobbled. Your ex wants you dependent, doubtful, and professionally neutered. Every promotion you earn, every boundary you enforce, every career goal you nail is another torpedo in their control fantasy.

Let's be brutally honest—when you're managing young kids and battling an ex who turns every childcare obligation into a career landmine, some days just showing up to work feels like scaling Everest in flip-flops. Your professional ambitions might seem about as achievable as world peace.

But here's something else to give you hope. Women are turning these exact challenges into professional rocket fuel. One survivor I know, unable to work a regular job, started a translation solopreneurship that propelled her income into the six-figure range. Another one started a cleaning business that now earns her more than her corporate career ever did. A third waited until her youngest hit kindergarten, then steamrolled through law school and now eviscerates abusers in court.

You're not just rebuilding a career. You're reconstructing your professional DNA. And while your ex's attempts to sabotage you might feel like a relentless siege right now, remember this: The same strategic thinking that helps you outmaneuver their chaos, the same resilience that got you through the abuse, the same iron will that keeps you fighting for your kids is going to be pure professional gold.

That's the victory they can't touch. Because professional success is more than just getting a paycheck or having a corner office. It's about becoming exactly who they tried to prevent you from being.

Want to know how I can help you?

Are you ready to explore a path forward through the professional challenges of post-separation abuse? Let's connect for a free 30-minute discovery session where you can:

• Share the challenges you're currently facing in your career

• Discuss what you'd like your professional life to look like

• Identify what obstacles stand in your way

• This session is about giving you space to be heard and gain clarity about your situation. Whether or not we decide to work together, you'll walk away with valuable insights for your journey. Click here to schedule your free 30-minute session. Let's explore how you can reclaim your professional power and build the career you deserve.

And to find out more about how I can help you…

Resources

If you're rebuilding your career after an abusive relationship, here’s an organization that's like having a professional fairy godmother in your corner. Dress for Success does way more than their name suggests. They're not just about finding you that perfect power suit (though they're amazing at that too).

Picture walking into a supportive space where everyone gets it. Where no one judges your career gaps or asks uncomfortable questions about your past. Instead, you're greeted by people who understand that reclaiming your professional identity is a journey, and they're there to walk beside you every step of the way.

Their career development programs help you build the career you deserve. From interview coaching to professional networking groups, they provide tools that can be absolutely transformative when you're breaking free from professional sabotage. Plus, their employment retention programs help ensure that once you land that job, you've got the ongoing support to thrive in it.

The best part? Many of their volunteers and staff have walked similar paths. They understand that confidence is more than just about what you wear. They want to help you gain the skills, support, and strength to succeed.

Find out more about their services here. Because sometimes, the path to independence starts with a perfectly fitted blazer and a room full of people who believe in you.