🦚How to train your Orc🧌

You can’t reason with a narcissistic ex. You can’t fix them, change them, or make them see your perspective. But you can train them to behave better around you by setting consistent boundaries.

Your aim shouldn’t be to transform a narcissistic ex into a reasonable human being. All you can do is to teach them that certain behaviors don't work with you anymore.

It might seem impossible, but I’ve seen women who are victims of post-separation abuse do it. They’ve come out of the fog of manipulation and broken the trauma bond with their ex. They’re full of anger. But instead of letting this anger overwhelm them and disempower them, they channel it into setting firm boundaries. Their anger makes it easier for them to apply the three pillars below.

The three pillars of orc training:

1. Consistency - Same response every time

2. Consequences - Their bad behavior gets them less, not more, of what they want

3. Detachment - You stop caring about their feelings about your boundaries

Why do I call it “orc training”? One of the moms I help came up with this term, and I love it. Sometimes you need a touch of humor to survive the absurdity of having to manage a grown adult who acts like a badly behaved creature from a fantasy novel. Plus, it’s easier to maintain emotional distance when you think of their manipulative tactics as predictable orc behavior rather than personal attacks designed to hurt you specifically.

Common orc behaviors and how to train against them

The guilt trip express

Your ex says things like “I guess I’ll just handle everything myself since you’re so busy” when you don’t respond right away to a vague, non-urgent text, or “The kids really wanted to call you but I told them you were probably too busy.”

Training response: Don’t defend your schedule or explain what you were doing. Just respond with the facts: “I can talk to the kids at 7 PM as usual” or “I’ll respond to non-urgent messages within 24 hours.” Don’t take the bait. Document.

The emergency that isn’t

Texting you at 11 PM about something that could easily wait until morning, then acting like you’re unreasonable for not responding immediately.

Training response: Respond at YOUR convenience with facts only. “Received your message. Will handle this tomorrow.”

The reasonable request trap

“You’re being unreasonable” when you enforce a boundary.

Training response: “I am being reasonable. This boundary stands.” End of discussion.

The proxy guilt delivery

Using the children to deliver messages or guilt: “Daddy says to tell you he needs to talk to you about something important” or “Daddy says you’re being mean by not answering his calls.”

Training response to kids: “I’m not going to discuss grown-up stuff with you. Let’s talk about something else.” Then address it directly with your ex via your chosen communication method. Document everything.

The psychology of orc behavior: Why this actually works

Orcs operate on what psychologists call “intermittent reinforcement.” They keep pushing boundaries because sometimes it works. It's the same principle behind gambling addiction.

Every time you:

• explain yourself when you don't need to,

• respond to drama with more drama,

• give in “just this once” to avoid a fight, or

• try to reason with unreasonable behavior

… you’re accidentally training your orc to keep pushing.

The solution: Stop being a slot machine. Become as predictable as a vending machine. Same input, same output, every single time. No explanation, no variation, no exceptions.

Your orc will initially escalate (this is called an extinction burst in psychology). They'll push harder when their old tactics stop working. This is when most people cave. Don't. This escalation means that the training is working.

Important safety note: If you're dealing with someone who uses heightened coercive control tactics, like threatening to harm themselves or others, stalking, making threats about custody, or severely escalating their controlling behavior since separation, please consult with a domestic violence professional before you deploy these strategies. Coercive control is actually a stronger predictor of lethal violence than past physical abuse. Some situations require specialized safety planning.

Advanced orc management techniques

The communication channel lockdown

Force all communication through one platform you control. This eliminates their ability to bombard you across multiple channels.

The broken record technique

Pick one phrase. Repeat it exactly. Don’t elaborate, don’t vary it, don’t explain it.

The documentation game

Every interaction is potential evidence. Screenshot everything before it disappears. Keep a simple log: date, time, behavior, your response. Your future self (and possibly your lawyer) will thank you.

The strategic silence

Not every orc utterance deserves a response. In fact, most don’t. Ask yourself: “Does this require action from me?” If no, let it float into the void where it belongs.

Discipline, discipline, and more discipline (for you, not them)

Unfortunately, orc training calls for more discipline from you than from them. You have to:

• Resist the urge to defend yourself when you’re falsely accused

• Stay calm when they’re deliberately pushing your buttons

• Maintain boundaries even when it would be “easier” to give in

• Document everything when you’d rather just forget it happened

• Respond predictably when your emotions are screaming at you to react

This is not easy. You’re essentially rewiring your brain to change years of learned responses. Be patient with yourself while being absolutely rigid with your boundaries.

Remember: Every time you maintain a boundary, you’re training both of you. Every time you cave, you’re back to square one.

When orc training doesn't work

Sometimes it doesn't. Some orcs are too committed to chaos or are too dangerous to be trained. In those cases:

• Document everything for legal protection

• Focus on protecting yourself and your kids

• Build your support network

• Consider professional help (therapy, legal advice, safety planning,)

You are not responsible for training every orc in your life. Some need professional intervention, legal consequences, or simply to be removed from your life entirely. The aim of training is to make your life easier, not harder.

Your orc training action plan

Step 1: Identify your orc's primary tactics What's their go-to manipulation? Guilt trips? Fake emergencies? Playing victim? Profile them and learn their patterns so you can prepare your responses.

Step 2: Choose your communication channels Pick one. Force all communication through it. Apps like OurFamilyWizard, Talking Parents, AppClose, or even just email. No more texts, calls, or drop-by conversations.

Step 3: Create your standard responses Write them down. Practice them. Use them consistently.

Step 4: Set up your documentation system

• Separate photo album for screenshots

• Simple log: date, behavior, your response

• Save everything before it mysteriously disappears

Step 5: Prepare for the extinction burst When your orc’s old tactics stop working, they’'ll escalate. This is normal. This is actually progress. Don’t cave during this phase, unless you feel your safety or your kids’ safety is threatened.

Step 6: Build your support network Find people who understand what you’re dealing with. This might be a therapist, support group, or trusted friends who won’t tell you to “just be nice.”

Why you’re doing this

You can’t train an orc to be a better person, but you can absolutely train them to behave better around you. The key is understanding that you’re not trying to fix them or negotiate with them. You're training yourself to respond differently.

Every boundary you hold, every manipulative text you don’t respond to, every time you refuse to explain yourself to someone who isn’t asking in good faith is progress.

Your orc might never change, but your experience of dealing with them absolutely can. And you’ll start seeing the benefits in other areas of your life too, as you find yourself setting boundaries with difficult people at work, in your friend group and with other family members.

Want to know how I can help you?

Does the thought of even setting one tiny boundary with your ex make you want to dive under the covers?

Feel free to contact me for a 30-minute consultation, free of charge, where you can finally talk to someone who understands how hard it is to set these boundaries and knows what you’re dealing with.

You’ll get the chance to spill your heart out about the challenges facing you and your hopes for the future.

You'll leave with clarity about:

• The specific orc behaviors that are draining your energy

• The outcomes you truly want for yourself and your children

• The obstacles that have been preventing you from holding firm boundaries

• How my coaching approach can help you become consistent with your orc training

Even if we decide not to work together, you'll walk away with greater clarity and direction than when you started. This conversation alone can be the first step toward taking back control of your interactions, rather than letting your orc pull all the strings.

Resources

I went looking for resources on setting boundaries, using the search engine Perplexity.

Instead of listing them all out here, I’m giving you the result of my search, so you can access all the suggestions there. There are plenty of free resources included there, as well as bestselling books on this subject. I particularly liked the worksheet from Choosing Therapy and the numerous downloads available from Positive Psychology. So check it out and have a field day working on your boundaries!