🦚Spiritual abuse in co-parenting

You know triangulation when you see it.

“The therapist says you're being unreasonable.”
“My parents think that you’re crazy.”
“My lawyer says I’m entitled to more custody.”
“The mediator agrees with me that you're too rigid.”

This is a classic manipulation technique, where your ex drags in a third party, real or imagined, (usually imagined) to validate their position and undermine yours.

You’ve learned to spot this. You verify their claims when you can. You document the pattern. You use gray rock, yellow rock, or BIFF to communicate back.

But what happens when the third party they’re triangulating with is God?

“God told me the children need to be homeschooled.”
“I've been praying about this, and God showed me you’re being led astray.”
“The Lord revealed to me what's best for our family.”

It’s the same manipulation. The same overused power play, with the same old goal.

Except now the third party is untouchable, and unverifiable. And disagreeing with them means disagreeing with divine authority itself.

Welcome to spiritual triangulation.

Triangulation 101

Triangulation happens when your abuser brings a third party into a two-person conflict to validate their position and invalidate yours.

The manipulator isn't saying “I think you’re wrong.” They’re saying, “This objective authority thinks you're wrong.”

It shifts everything. Now you're not just disagreeing with your ex. You're disagreeing with the expert, the professional, the authority figure they've positioned between you.

Classic triangulation uses therapists, lawyers, mediators, family members, mutual friends. Anyone who can be positioned as more credible or authoritative than you.

You’ve learned to handle it. You verify claims or you just ignore it, if that’s appropriate (who cares what their friends think). You get things in writing if you need to. You document the pattern of them claiming authority figures agree with them.

“My lawyer says...” usually means “I want this and I’m using my lawyer’s credibility to pressure you.”

“The therapist recommended...” often means “The therapist said something I’m now twisting to support my agenda.”

You’ve gotten good at stripping away the triangulation and getting back to the actual issue.

Adding God to the triangle

Spiritual triangulation is the same tactic with the most powerful third party possible.

God. Or the Universe. Or Allah. Or the Divine. Or the ancestors. They’ll call it whatever they need to, depending on your religion.

The ultimate authority. The source of all truth. The divine will that supersedes all human opinion.

Your ex positions themself as just the humble messenger. The faithful servant. The one spiritually attuned enough to receive and transmit the divine will.

Which makes you what? Not just wrong. Spiritually deficient. Deaf to God. Not faithful enough. Not blessed enough. Not aligned with divine truth.

Why spiritual triangulation works so well

You can counter regular triangulation.

Your ex says: “My therapist says you’re too rigid.”

You say: “I’d be happy to speak with your therapist directly about our co-parenting approach.”

Suddenly your ex is backtracking. Or the therapist said something way more nuanced than they claimed. Or your ex changes the subject.

With spiritual triangulation, there’s absolutely no verification process.

You can’t call God to check if He actually told your ex to homeschool the children. You can’t email the divine to ask if it really said you’re spiritually immature. You can’t request documentation of this alleged heavenly communication.

The claim is untouchable. Unverifiable. Questioning it makes you look like you're questioning God Himself.

No appeals process. With a therapist or lawyer, you can theoretically get clarification, present your perspective, and challenge the interpretation. If they say “God told me,” there’s no higher authority to appeal to. Your ex is invoking the highest authority.

Disagreement becomes spiritual deficiency. If you push back on a lawyer’s advice, you’re being difficult. But push back on God’s will? Then you’re lacking faith, or not spiritual enough.

Your ex is just the messenger of God’s will. They’re not being controlling. They’re just faithfully transmitting what God told them. Their manipulation is completely laundered through religious language.

Your faith gets weaponized against you. If you’re a person of faith, this creates impossible cognitive dissonance. You believe in divine guidance. You pray for wisdom. You value spiritual discernment. Now those same values are being used to control you. Your own faith is turned against you.

Community validation. Regular triangulation might involve one expert. Spiritual triangulation, on the other hand, often involves an entire faith community validating your ex’s version of events.

The ultimate authority claim. “My lawyer says...” can be countered with “Well, my lawyer says...” But what do you do about “God/Allah/the universe says...”? How do you counter it if you’re a person of faith or spirituality? If you say, “No, He/it doesn't”, you're in a battle about who the divine speaks to and who’s really hearing from Him. You’ve already lost.

My ex was an atheist, so spiritual triangulation was the one type of abuse I was never subjected to. But I’ve seen it happen with plenty of my clients.

What spiritual triangulation looks like

God told me we need to homeschool the children.

Translation: I want to homeschool. I'm using God's authority to override our co-parenting agreement and make you look like you're defying divine will if you disagree.

I’ve been praying about the custody schedule and God revealed to me that the children need more time with me.

Translation: I want more custody. I’m positioning my preference as divine revelation so you can’t negotiate without appearing spiritually blind.

I’m praying for God to open your eyes to the truth about our family.

Translation: I’m right, you’re wrong, and I’ve recruited God to my side. Also, I’m the spiritually mature one doing the praying here.

The imam said a good Muslim would be more flexible about this.

Translation: I’m using our religious leader’s authority to pressure you into compliance while positioning myself as the more faithful one.

The rabbi says shalom bayit means you should compromise more.

Translation: I’m weaponizing the concept of peace in the home to make you accept my demands while making it seem like you're the one causing discord.

God is calling me to take the children to [religious event] during your parenting time.

Translation: I want to violate the custody schedule but I'm making it a religious issue so you look like you’re preventing the children from following God’s call if you enforce boundaries.

I’ve forgiven you like scripture commands. You need to forgive me too.

Translation: I want you to accept my behavior without consequences and I’m using religious obligation to pressure you. Also, if you don’t forgive me the way I’m demanding, you’re failing spiritually.

Notice the pattern?

It’s always “God is saying that thing I want.” Never “The universe says I should respect your boundaries” or “God told me to honor our custody agreement” or “Allah revealed I should be less controlling.”

Funny how divine revelation always aligns perfectly with their preferences.

Whatever the religion, the pattern is the same. Abusers take concepts meant to guide spiritual growth, build community, or encourage ethical behavior, and twist them into tools of control.

Expert level: Converting to your religion to weaponize it

This is where spiritual triangulation gets even more calculated.

Abusers don’t just use their own religious beliefs as a control tool. They convert to YOUR religion (classic narcissistic mirroring) and then weaponize it against you.

One of my clients told me this story and asked me to share it. She found out that her ex, who had converted to her religion when they married, was unfaithful to her, and then this happened:

The same man has since changed religion twice more, for his subsequent partners. That’s some major religious cosplaying and weaponization.

What he accomplished:

He adopted HER faith. Not because he believed it. Because it gave him access to her spiritual community, credibility with her religious authority figures, the ability to speak her spiritual language, and a tool to exploit her specific religious values.

He triangulated with HER priest, someone she trusted, and whose spiritual authority she respected. He used that priest to pressure her to stay.

He weaponized concepts sacred to HER. Catholic guilt about divorce. The sanctity of marriage vows. Confession and absolution. Reconciliation as a religious duty. Everything that mattered most to her spiritually became a tool to trap her.

He religion-hopped based on who he was controlling. His beliefs are whatever serves his need for control in the moment. He hasn’t found faith. More like a tool, or a weapon of control.

How to document spiritual triangulation

Courts protect religious freedom, as they should. Different religious beliefs and practices are protected in all English-speaking countries.

So you can’t document “They’re using God to manipulate me” and expect a judge to care.

What you CAN document is the triangulation pattern. The use of claimed divine authority to override agreements, control decisions, and undermine you.

Document it the same way you’d document any triangulation.

Track the pattern of invoking authority to avoid direct negotiation:

Do this enough times, and the pattern becomes clear. You can show that your ex isn’t co-parenting, but rather invoking authority to steamroll you.

Document attempts to override agreements with claimed divine instruction:

It becomes clear that the issue isn’t their religious belief and that they’re using religious claims to breach agreements.

Document your ex positioning themselves as spiritually superior:

Not “They’re claiming to be more religious than me.” But “They’re claiming divine authority over co-parenting decisions.”

Document statements that position you as spiritually deficient for setting boundaries:

When you do this, you go beyond documenting religious differences and show the pattern of manipulation and control.

How to respond to spiritual triangulation 

Remember how you handle fake choices by shifting to the issues frame? You take the same approach with any kind of triangulation, even if it includes the Almighty.

They say: “God told me the children need to attend my church every Sunday, including during your parenting time.”

You say: The custody order gives us each the right to make decisions during our respective parenting time. The children will attend services with me when they're with me.

You didn’t argue about whether God told them that. You didn’t defend your own spiritual practices. You didn’t debate whose faith is more legitimate. You didn’t explain your religious beliefs.

You just responded to the actual demand and enforced the actual boundary.

For written communication, you can try something like this:

I respect that's your belief. The [custody order / our agreement / the parenting plan] addresses this by [relevant provision]. I'll continue following that.

No religious debate. No spiritual defending. Just back to the actual framework you're operating under.

Their spiritual claims get the same treatment as any other manipulation. Minimal emotion. No defending or explaining. Redirect to facts and agreements. Broken record technique.

I respect your beliefs.
The custody order addresses this.
If you want a change, put it in writing with specific dates and times.
I'm following our agreement.

Over and over. You keep it boring, factual, and unmoved by claims of divine authority.

You strip the religious language in your documentation:

They say: “God is calling me to take the children on a mission trip during your summer custody time.”

You document: On [date], [ex] requested to take children during my scheduled parenting time from [dates]. Request denied as it violates custody order Section [X].

They say: “The Holy Spirit revealed that you’re not spiritually mature enough to make medical decisions for our children.”

You document: On [date], [ex] stated they disagreed with agreed medical care plan and would not follow it.

They say: “The imam said good Muslim mothers don't deny fathers their rights.”

You document: On [date], [ex] stated I should ignore custody agreement based on religious authority’s opinion (not part of court order).

Take the spiritual language out. Document the control attempt underneath.

Protecting your own faith

This is the painful part. Your ex has contaminated shared religious experiences.

If you went to the same church, synagogue, temple, or mosque, that space isn’t safe anymore. If you shared faith practices, those are now weaponized against you. If you have mutual friends in your faith community, they’ve likely been recruited.

And if your ex converted to YOUR religion specifically? They've appropriated your spiritual home. The faith that was yours before them, that sustained you, that gave you community and meaning is now a space that they’ve invaded.

Your faith is real and your spiritual life matters. They’ve both been violated by someone using them as a tool of control. That’s a real loss and a terrible pain and you’re allowed to grieve it.

What you can do:

You can find a new faith community, if possible. One your ex doesn’t know about. One they can’t infiltrate. One where you can worship, pray, and grow without surveillance or sabotage.

If you feel it’s appropriate, you might want explore a different expression of your faith. A different denomination, different tradition, different practice. Something that’s yours and hasn’t been contaminated by their manipulation.

It’s important to recognize that their version of faith and actual faith are different things. What they're doing, using the divine to control, manipulate, and undermine, is not faith. That’s a tactic in a religious costume.

If your ex converted to your faith specifically to control you, remember: They didn’t convert. They infiltrated. There’s a difference between adopting a faith and adopting a tool.

Your faith sustained you through the worst of your relationship. Through pregnancy or adoption stress. Through sleepless nights. Through the terrifying decision to leave. Through every hard moment of protecting your children.

That’s real. That’s yours. And it belongs to you.

I’m happy to help you with documenting and responding to the kind of triangulation I wrote about in today’s newsletter, but if you need help from someone who can relate to your specific spiritual or religious experience, just respond to any of my newsletters and ask me, and I can direct you to coaches who can specifically help you in that way.

Resources

Here are a couple of resources that specifically address the spiritual aspects of co-parenting and post-separation abuse from a Christian perspective:

My friend Cherie Nilson created a handy 3-step process to Connect Children to Christ Through Attachment that will help you stay focused on who you are despite what anyone else tries to tell you. These steps build actual hope.

Click the link below to grab the guide.

Get her 3-Step Process for Christian Moms to Connect Children to Christ here.

I’m not sure how long Cherie is going to have this available. So, grab it now before it goes away.

My other resource is a blog I followed for years, written by Pastor Dave Orrison. His posts about narcissism in religious settings were the most insightful and validating for victims of abuse that I’ve ever seen from a spiritual perspective. The word cloud on the left of his posts is a great way to find these (the link here is to the posts under the “narcissism” category.