🦚 Tired of toxic advice about your nex?

Alright, you've escaped the clutches of a living nightmare—an abusive ex—and the last thing you need is a barrage of bone-headed bromides that sound like they were cooked up in a back alley by two-bit philosopher with a PhD in victim blaming.

Here's my rundown of the ten most toxic clichés people spout that you should dodge like political promises. In other words—pay no attention to them.

"It takes two to tango." — 🚫

Oh, really? Let’s get this straight: abuse isn’t a dance, it’s a power trip—one person’s ticket to Controlville. Dumping half the blame on the victim? That’s not just wrong; it's willfully ignorant.

"You just need to move on." — 📛

Sure, because emotional scars are just like bad haircuts—they grow out, right? Wrong. This little gem brushes off the mountain of healing that’s really needed. Moving on isn't flipping a switch; it's climbing a mountain.

"That's just how he/she is." — ❌

As if cruelty’s just another character trait, like being bad at math or having a penchant for spicy food. No! Abuse is a deliberate act, not a quirk. It’s unacceptable, full stop.

"Think about the children." — 🤦

This one's a guilt grenade. Sticking it out for the kiddos? More often, it just teaches them that turmoil is the norm. That's not just bad; it's potentially generational catastrophe.

"Boys will be boys." — 🗑️

News flash: being male is not a free pass for being monstrous. This tired excuse belongs in the same junk drawer as "that's the way things are." It’s time to do a Marie Kondo on this crap.

"You're overreacting." — 🔥

The classic gaslighter’s go-to. This is how you make someone question their sanity when they’re just reacting normally to completely abnormal behavior. It's vile.

"Everything happens for a reason." — 🤮 

This one might win the trophy for Most Unhelpful Platitude. It’s like saying your suffering is some cosmic plan. Spoiler alert: it’s not, and saying so is not profound; it's profoundly insensitive.

"There are two sides to every story." — ✋🏻

Sure, but we're not talking about squabbles over remote control ownership here—we’re talking about abuse. Equivocating a victim’s suffering with their abuser’s justifications is a master class in moral failure.

"Let's not dwell on the past." — 🤯

Oh, please. Healing isn't about dredging up the past for fun; it’s about facing it head-on to break free. Pretending yesterday didn’t happen doesn’t make tomorrow any brighter.

"You made your bed, now lie in it." — 🤬

This one’s a real kicker. Blame the victim for the volcano they’re living with? That's not advice; it’s an accusation. And it’s garbage.

And the bonus misfire:

"You chose to have children with them." — 🚷

This is the post-separation abuse version of "she was wearing a short skirt". It suggests foresight that no one possesses and a tolerance for future abuse that no one should accept. Deciding to start a family is not consent to endure torment.

If these tired old lines sound familiar, remember this: You don't have to accept them. Your feelings are valid. Your experiences are real. And you deserve support—not knuckleheaded clichés.

What should I do instead?

…you might be asking.

Dealing with a narcissist ex is tough enough without the chorus of unsolicited advice and misguided comments from folks who just don't get it. Here are some ways to handle it, depending on who’s saying this claptrap and how much you care what they think.

Set ironclad boundaries — 🚧

Tell them what's off the discussion table—firmly. "We’re not talking about this," should be enough. If they push, show them the door—at least conversationally.

Counter with facts — 🎓

When they trot out those tired clichés, shut them down with precision. "Actually, that’s not how it works, and here’s why..." Be the expert, the professor, the enlightened one in these chats.

Be choosy about your circle — 🔒

Your life’s VIP section should be a tight-knit group who truly understands. If someone's empathy skills are as lacking as a low-budget indie film’s special effects, they don’t make the cut.

Use your squad — 👥

Surround yourself with support groups and people who’ve really been there. There’s a collective strength there that can protect you against the outside world’s misunderstandings. Can’t find a support group? Consider starting your own. The local support group I run on Facebook, which now numbers over 200, started with me and two friends with abusive exes.

Guide the misguided — 🧭

If someone’s faux pas comes from a place of real concern, guide them back with patience and facts. They’re trying, even if they’re stumbling.

Keep records — 📝

In all your dealings with professionals, note everything down. Those notes are your ammo for any necessary complaints or changes if someone oversteps.

Pick your fights — 🥊 

Not every ignorant comment is worth your breath. If someone digs their heels into their own stupidity, let them stand alone. You have more important things to do—like heal.

A Mea Culpa

I've always believed in being straightforward and honest with you, and today I need to address a misstep I made regarding a book I've recommended in the past, both here and elsewhere: Loving What Is by Byron Katie.

I first read this book over 20 years ago and it genuinely helped me at different points in my life. But after revisiting the new edition a few weeks ago, I stumbled upon content that not only raised my eyebrows but made it impossible for me to recommend this book any more.

First of all, Katie tells a woman who’s unhappy with her husband, “It doesn’t take two people to have a happy marriage. It only takes one: you!” Yes, I get it, not all unhappy marriages are abusive, but this is a sweeping statement, not just a specific comment to this woman about her own marriage. It’s the same kind of abuse-ignoring and enabling tripe that I once called out the author of the highest-ranking non-fiction book of the 1990s about.

But the real deal-breaker came when I read a passage where Katie engages with a woman who was sexually abused by her father. Katie’s approach to "flip" the woman’s perspective included suggesting phrases like “I incested myself” and “I was abusive towards my father.” Reading these suggestions didn't just unsettle me—it made me sick to my stomach.

Looking back, I realize that when I first read this book, I was in a very different place, struggling in an abusive marriage myself, unaware of the full dynamics of coercive control and trauma, and the way trauma embeds itself in our bodies and minds. It appears that Katie lacks an understanding of these crucial elements too, or worse, chooses to ignore them. Also, coming from the perspective of a trained divorce coach, I see now how she oversteps other people’s boundaries and veers into areas that are best left to qualified therapists.

While I do believe in the power of reshaping our thoughts to help transform our lives, it’s clear that Katie’s method can be damaging and retraumatizing in the context of abuse. It’s crucial to recognize that taking responsibility for our happiness doesn’t mean taking on blame for our abuse or glossing over the trauma we experienced.

Now for some fun stuff!

One of my readers tried out the narc decoder prompt from my “Chaos to Calm” prompt guide, and it spat out a few doozies. Here’s a selection.

Don’t forget that my guide to using ChatGPT to communicate with your narcissist ex is available for download. Just as a reminder, here’s what you get when you download it.

If you enter the same email address you got this email at, it won’t subscribe you to my newsletter again, so don’t worry that the button there says “Subscribe & Get It.”

Want to know how I can help you?

It's a huge step to leave an abusive relationship, and it can be really tough to get through the aftermath. That's why it's so important to have people you can trust to support you.

I'm here for you. As a high-conflict divorce coach, I can help you develop tailored strategies and find resources to empower you as you face this challenge.

Resources

Lee Hammock is a diagnosed, self-aware narcissist who’s made it his mission to help victims of narcissists. He posts on most social media platforms under the handle “mentalhealness”. This post of his on Threads jumped out at me this week.

BTW: You can follow me on Threads too.