A client was in a mediation session with her ex. He was insisting on 50-50 custody. The mediator listened patiently to him, waited till he was finished, and then said, “Yes, and what is it that your children can actually handle or need?”

As my client carried on telling me about it, I asked her to back up a moment. “Did she actually say it like that, yes, and? Those specific words?”

My client nodded. “Yes, those are the exact words she used.”

I’ve written before about how, in judo, you don’t resist an opponent’s force. You lean into it and use it to throw them.

That’s what happened here. The mediator relaxed into his push for 50-50 custody, with the words yes, and. Then, redirecting it straight into a question that reframed the issue, one he couldn’t argue against, she slammed him hard onto the floor.

Those two little words had a big effect in that moment. They shifted the conversation away from what he wanted, to what their kids needed, without blocking him.

I first read about the power of these two words last year in a book by Olga Khazan Me, But Better. It’s about her year-long experiment trying to change her own personality. She enrolled in improv classes to push herself out of entrenched introversion.

Yes, and is the foundational rule of improv: you accept your scene partner’s reality and build on it. You never block. You never say “No, but.” You say “Yes, and”, so the action keeps going.

Khazan wasn’t writing about coercive controllers or mediation. She was writing about breaking rigid thought patterns, about staying present when chaos hits.

But, as you’ll see, these two little words have a lot of power in so many aspects of our lives.

When someone blocks a coercive controller’s demand directly, maybe by saying “50-50 isn't appropriate here,” they get a fight. It automatically triggers the coercive controller’s need to push back. A direct refusal is like a red flag to a bull.

Yes, and sneakily robs them of that. It accepts their premise as the starting point and immediately does a reframing maneuver, shifting the conversation somewhere else. Somewhere they don't control.

In my client's case, the mediator accepted parenting time as the subject of discussion, and then shifted the frame from what he wants to what the children need. He couldn’t argue against child-centered language without revealing that his demand wasn’t actually about the children. The move exposed him without confronting him.

If you’ve read my newsletter on bypassing cognitive bias with judges and custody evaluators, you’ve seen this technique without the name attached. “I completely agree with your concern about consistent routines for the children, which is why...”

That’s just a more wordy way of saying “Yes, and.” You’re not blocking the other person’s frame. You’re accepting it and redirecting it toward your evidence.

There's an internal version of Yes, and that’s just as powerful. Olga Khazan used it to move past her inner resistance to new experiences.

It’s the act of radical acceptance—the move where you stop fighting against reality and start working within it. Yes, the system is broken. And here’s how I navigate it anyway. Yes, he’s going to keep doing this. And here's how I ground myself, here’s what I document, here’s what I prepare, here’s what I control.

“But Rina,” you say, “if I say yes, doesn’t it mean that I approve of the situation, that I’m giving into their demands?”

No, you’re not. You’re just acknowledging that this is what’s actually in front of you. The and is where your agency lives. (BTW, the cognitive reframing exercise in Chapter 14 of my book AI Armor is a perfect example of putting Yes, and into action).

Khazan’s improv teacher wasn’t asking her to love chaos. She was asking her to stop blocking it. The block is what costs you energy. The Yes, and is what frees it up.

Before your next mediation session or court appearance, or even your next written interaction with your ex, think about where you’ve been blocking reality. Not because blocking is wrong. The situation is crazy and unfair. You shouldn’t have to be put in this situation. Yes, and blocking it costs you (see what I did there?). It costs you money, time, energy, even your health. It also keeps you on your ex’s terrain, fighting his fight on his terms.

Yes, and moves you off that terrain. It accepts the reality of what’s in front of you and puts the ball back in your hands.

Check out the Resources section below for an AI prompt to help you find the Yes, and in your situation.

It’s hard to see outside the box when you’re stuck inside it with the lid slammed firmly shut. Talking to someone who can prise that lid open for you, understand what you’re facing, and then help you find your Yes, and can make a huge difference.

If you’d like to experience what that’s like, you’re welcome to book a free 30-minute consultation with me. Just put “I’m looking for my Yes, and” in the description when you book, along with an outline of your situation.

Want to know more about what I do?

Here’s an AI prompt you can try to find your Yes, and. Upload the text of this newsletter to your favourite AI chatbot, together with a description of the situation you’re struggling with right now and ask it:

If you’re feeling totally broken right now, and a yes, and approach feels like a slap in the face, you might not be in the right headspace for reframing. As my mother always said to me, you need your “30-second pity party” before you can move on. So, here’s a prompt you can include with the one above.

Check out this month’s issue of Divorce Guide Magazine. It’s chock-a-block with useful information. What’s more, yours truly is featured in it.